Mark Twain quotes

God created war so that Americans would learn …God created war so that Americans would learn geography.

Funny God Short War

Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have …Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been.

Age Short Smile

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the …It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Inspirational Short Witty Humor

It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all …It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt

Funny Witty

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember …If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Short Truth Memory

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with …Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

Funny Experience

I have never let my schooling interfere with my …I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Education Funny Short Witty

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of …Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

Witty Humor

A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its …A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.

Funny Short Truth Lie

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal …If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man.

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on …Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.

Anger

Worrying is like paying a debt you don't …Worrying is like paying a debt you don't owe.

Inspirational Short






Mark Twain Funny quotes


Funny Quotes
The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot …The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot read.

Funny Short Reading

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're …If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're misinformed.

Funny

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the …A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Funny Humor

Sanity and happiness are an impossible …Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.

Funny Happiness

Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an …Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.

Funny Life Opportunity Wisdom

If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do …If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it.

Funny

Out of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the …Out of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most.

Funny Short Mind

I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never …I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.

Funny Imagination Life Short

A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad …A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.

Funny Humor Memory

Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal …Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.

Funny Life Friends Book

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of …I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Funny Short Humor Insult

Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as …Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.

Funny Short Action



Mark Twain Short quotes


Short Quotes
Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the …Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other.

Short

The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is …The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter.

Short Humor Laughter

The secret to getting ahead is getting …The secret to getting ahead is getting started.

Short Secret

'Classic' - a book which people praise and don't …'Classic' - a book which people praise and don't read.

Short Witty Humor Book

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on …Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Short Witty Humor Society

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here …Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

Short Witty Humor World

The more I learn about people, the more I like my …The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.

Short Humor People

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go …Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

Short Humor

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir... mighty …What would men be without women? Scarce, sir... mighty scarce.

Short Humor Man woman

Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as …Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.

Short Humor

The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven, not …The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven, not man's.

Short Kindness

Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of …Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.

Short Truth Wisdom

A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of …A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it.

Short Humor Book Writing



Mark Twain Humor quotes


Humor Quotes
It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve …It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.

Humor

I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it …I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!

Humor Mind

There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less …There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages.

Humor

Adam was but human- this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted …Adam was but human- this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.

Humor

The trouble with the world is not that people know too little; it's that they know so many things …The trouble with the world is not that people know too little; it's that they know so many things that just aren't so.

Humor World People

There's one way to find out if a man is honest: ask him; if he says yes, you know he's …There's one way to find out if a man is honest: ask him; if he says yes, you know he's crooked.

Humor Honesty Man

What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed …What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.

Humor Creation Man

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the …Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Humor Writer

I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them …I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.

Humor People

My books are water; those of the great geniuses are wine. Everybody drinks …My books are water; those of the great geniuses are wine. Everybody drinks water.

Humor Book Writing

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on …Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?

Humor Insult Simile

If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be-a …If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be-a Christian.

Humor



All Mark Twain quotes


You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of …You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Imagination Short Truth Wisdom

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed …Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

Forgiveness Short Compassion

Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their …Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.

Relationship Short Trust

Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable …Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.

Education Funny Short Ignorance

The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any …The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.

Death Life Fear

Education consists mainly of what we have …Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.

Education Witty Humor

Loyalty to country ALWAYS. Loyalty to government, when it deserves …Loyalty to country ALWAYS. Loyalty to government, when it deserves it.

Politics

You meet people who forget you. You forget people you meet. But sometimes you meet those people you …You meet people who forget you. You forget people you meet. But sometimes you meet those people you can't forget. Those are your friends

Friendship People

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is …All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.

Life Short Success Humor

The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with …The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.

Loneliness Comfort

Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to …Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.

Darkness Human nature

To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it …To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with.

Relationship Friends Joy

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the …Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.

People

Give every day the chance to become the most beautiful day of your …Give every day the chance to become the most beautiful day of your life.

Inspirational Life Short

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to reform (or pause and …Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to reform (or pause and reflect).

Wisdom Individuality

Books are for people who wish they were somewhere …Books are for people who wish they were somewhere else.

Imagination Book

Patriotism is supporting your country all the time and your government when it deserves …Patriotism is supporting your country all the time and your government when it deserves it.

Time

In the beginning of a change the patriot is a scarce man, and brave, and hated and scorned. When …In the beginning of a change the patriot is a scarce man, and brave, and hated and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot.

Change Politics

The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed …The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.

Silence

In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school …In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.

God Humor

Obscurity and a competence-that is the life that is best worth …Obscurity and a competence-that is the life that is best worth living.

Happiness Life Wisdom Writer

The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your …The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and starting on the first one.

Inspirational Life Success Perseverance

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably …There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.

Desire Short

How easy it is to make people believe a lie, and [how] hard it is to undo that work …How easy it is to make people believe a lie, and [how] hard it is to undo that work again!

Belief Lie People

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't …Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Age Funny Inspirational Short

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my …The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Philosophy Religion Humor

The Bible has noble poetry in it... and some good morals and a wealth of obscenity, and upwards of …The Bible has noble poetry in it... and some good morals and a wealth of obscenity, and upwards of a thousand lies.

Poetry Lie

I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had …I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.

Death Fear Humor Suffering

If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the …If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much.

History doesn't repeat itself, but it does …History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

History Short Humor

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of …Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.

Courage Short Fear

It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so …It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.

Courage Short Character

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. …When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

Witty Humor Ignorance

Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; …Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.

Truth Book

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat …Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

Politics Short Humor Insult

I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually …I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

Life Short Fear Humor

Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to …Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.

Life Humor

Be good and you will be …Be good and you will be lonesome.

Loneliness Short

After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live …After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her.

Love Marriage Women Mistake

It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you to the heart: the one to slander …It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you to the heart: the one to slander you and the other to get the news to you.

Heart Friends Enemy Hurt

There isn't time, so brief is life, for bickerings, apologies, heartburnings, callings to account. …There isn't time, so brief is life, for bickerings, apologies, heartburnings, callings to account. There is only time for loving, and but an instant, so to speak, for that.

Forgiveness Inspirational Life Relationship

The difference between the 'almost right word' and the 'right word' is really a large matter. It's …The difference between the 'almost right word' and the 'right word' is really a large matter. It's the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning.

Literature Writing

In a good bookroom you feel in some mysterious way that you are absorbing the wisdom contained in …In a good bookroom you feel in some mysterious way that you are absorbing the wisdom contained in all the books through your skin, without even opening them.

Wisdom Book

Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the …Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat.

Freedom Funny Man

When angry, count four. When very angry, …When angry, count four. When very angry, swear.

Anger Funny Short

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't …I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.

Witty Humor Knowledge

The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out …The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.

Life Short

Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs …Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.

Humans

Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be …Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates.

God Hope Life Humor

A person that started in to carry a cat home by the tail was getting knowledge that was always …A person that started in to carry a cat home by the tail was getting knowledge that was always going to be useful to him, and warn't ever going to grow dim or doubtful.