Witty quotes

Be yourself; everyone else is already …Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.

Funny Short Honesty

I know not with what weapons World War 3 will be fought, but World War 4 will be fought with sticks …I know not with what weapons World War 3 will be fought, but World War 4 will be fought with sticks and stones.

Funny War Wisdom Future

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the …Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

Funny Short Universe Human nature

Experience is merely the name men gave to their …Experience is merely the name men gave to their mistakes.

Funny Short Experience Mistake

I have never let my schooling interfere with my …I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Education Funny Short

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of …Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

Humor

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the …It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Inspirational Short Humor

It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all …It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt

Funny

If you can't explain it to a six year old, you don't understand it …If you can't explain it to a six year old, you don't understand it yourself.

Short Humor Knowledge Understanding

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in …Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.

Funny Love Short

Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the …Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.

Truth Humor Humans

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you …If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Short Humor






Funny + Witty quotes

Funny Quotes
A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of …A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction.

Funny Short

An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at …An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.

Funny Idea

Everything in moderation, including …Everything in moderation, including moderation.

Funny Short Truth

If you're gonna be two-faced at least make one of them …If you're gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty.

Funny Short

To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is …To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.

Funny Life Short Truth

Any fool can know. The point is to …Any fool can know. The point is to understand.

Funny Short Knowledge Learning

I am not young enough to know …I am not young enough to know everything.

Funny Short Humor

I hope you have not been leading a double life, pretending to be wicked and being good all the …I hope you have not been leading a double life, pretending to be wicked and being good all the time. That would be hypocrisy.

Funny

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people …Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep

Funny Philosophy

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real …I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Funny Women

True love is felonious... You take someone's breath away... You rob them of the ability to utter a …True love is felonious... You take someone's breath away... You rob them of the ability to utter a single word... You steal a heart.

Funny

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an …I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Funny Short Insult

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem …There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Funny

Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go …Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.

Funny Short Women

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of …Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.

Funny Imagination Life Short

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love …A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.

Funny Happiness Short Women

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of …I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

Funny Short Insult

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a …Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Funny Humor Women

Love thy neighbor -- and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much …Love thy neighbor -- and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier.

Funny Love

Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without …Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing.

Funny Humor Laughter

No good deed goes …No good deed goes unpunished.

Funny Short Humor Kindness

You must have a cigarette. A cigarette is the perfect type of a perfect pleasure. It is exquisite, …You must have a cigarette. A cigarette is the perfect type of a perfect pleasure. It is exquisite, and it leaves one unsatisfied. What more can one want?

Funny Pleasure

'A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.' I really hate this expression. I bet fish would …"A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." I really hate this expression. I bet fish would totally want bicycles.

Funny Humor

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't …I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Funny Short Humor



Humor + Witty quotes

Humor Quotes
I may not agree with you, but I will defend to the death your right to make an ass of …I may not agree with you, but I will defend to the death your right to make an ass of yourself.

Humor

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room …I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Humor Book Reading

Diplomacy is the art of telling people to go to hell in such a way that they ask for …Diplomacy is the art of telling people to go to hell in such a way that they ask for directions.

Humor Art People

I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to …I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.

Humor Advice

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. …When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

Humor Ignorance

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the …I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

Humor

A woman, especially if she have the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as …A woman, especially if she have the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.

Humor Women Knowledge

Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster …Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.

Humor Thought

If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ …If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf.

Humor

Work is the curse of the drinking …Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

Humor

I hate writing, I love having …I hate writing, I love having written.

Humor Writing

Women like a man with a past, but they prefer a man with a …Women like a man with a past, but they prefer a man with a present.

Humor Women

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the road less traveled by and they CANCELLED MY FRIKKIN' …Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the road less traveled by and they CANCELLED MY FRIKKIN' SHOW. I totally shoulda took the road that had all those people on it. Damn.

Humor

Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about …Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.

Humor

Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that …Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one's mistakes.

Humor Mistake

Yes: I am a dreamer. For a dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his …Yes: I am a dreamer. For a dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.

Humor

Alec: 'How do you manage never to get mud on your clothes?', Isabelle: 'I'm pure at heart. It …Alec: "How do you manage never to get mud on your clothes?", Isabelle: "I'm pure at heart. It repels the dirt."

Humor

Now, the trouble about trying to make yourself stupider than you really are is that you very often …Now, the trouble about trying to make yourself stupider than you really are is that you very often succeed.

Humor

Shortcuts make long …Shortcuts make long delays.

Humor Life lessons

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't …I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.

Humor Knowledge

There's never enough time to do all the nothing you …There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.

Humor

A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men. This was said by gene wilder... what …A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men. This was said by gene wilder... what does it mean?

Humor



Short + Witty quotes

Short Quotes
I can resist anything except …I can resist anything except temptation.

Short Humor

'Classic' - a book which people praise and don't …'Classic' - a book which people praise and don't read.

Short Humor Book People

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six …Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

Short Humor

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on …Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Short Humor People Humans

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here …Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

Short Humor World

A mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work if it is not …A mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work if it is not open.

Short Humor Mind Simile

The public have an insatiable curiosity to know everything, except what is worth …The public have an insatiable curiosity to know everything, except what is worth knowing.

Short Truth

Some old wounds never truly heal, and bleed again at the slightest …Some old wounds never truly heal, and bleed again at the slightest word.

Short Pain Hurt

People hasten to judge in order not to be judged …People hasten to judge in order not to be judged themselves.

Short Truth People Human nature

She is very clever, too clever for a woman. She lacks the indefinable charm of …She is very clever, too clever for a woman. She lacks the indefinable charm of weakness.

Short Humor Women

I must be a mermaid, Rango. I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow …I must be a mermaid, Rango. I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living.

Short Fear Humor

The world was my oyster but I used the wrong …The world was my oyster but I used the wrong fork.

Short Humor World

Punctuality is the thief of …Punctuality is the thief of time

Short Time Humor

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just …Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Short Humor

He who fears he shall suffer, already suffers what he …He who fears he shall suffer, already suffers what he fears.

Short Fear Suffering

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am …I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

Short Understanding

Quotation is a serviceable substitute for …Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit.

Short

You speak an infinite deal of …You speak an infinite deal of nothing.

Short Humor Insult

The first thing we do, let's kill all the …The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.

Short

Just remember, when you're over the hill, you begin to pick up …Just remember, when you're over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.

Short Humor

Give up trying to make me give …Give up trying to make me give up

Short



All Witty Quotes


In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is …In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Truth Reality Suffering

If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill …If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.

Truth Laughter People

Who, being loved, is …Who, being loved, is poor?

Love Short Wisdom

Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm …Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!

Inspirational Short Perspective

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her …A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.

Women

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so …Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

Forgiveness Funny Short Enemy

Live simply so others may simply …Live simply so others may simply live.

Life Humor

Everybody is going to be dead one day, just give them …Everybody is going to be dead one day, just give them time.

Death Funny

Friendship is far more tragic than love. It lasts …Friendship is far more tragic than love. It lasts longer.

Friendship Funny Love Short

Many people die at twenty five and aren't buried until they are seventy …Many people die at twenty five and aren't buried until they are seventy five.

Death Life Humor

I'm single because I was born that …I'm single because I was born that way.

Freedom Funny Choice

You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. …You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!

Education Funny

Education consists mainly of what we have …Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.

Education Humor

Time is a drug. Too much of it kills …Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.

Science Humor

Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is …Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.

Education Funny Knowledge

We'll be remembered more for what we destroy than what we …We'll be remembered more for what we destroy than what we create.

History Short

You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to …You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit.

Courage Life Pleasure

Everybody is a book of blood; wherever we're opened, we're …Everybody is a book of blood; wherever we're opened, we're red.

I'm an atheist and I thank God for …I'm an atheist and I thank God for it.

Religion Short Humor

Sometimes a man wants to be stupid if it lets him do a thing his cleverness …Sometimes a man wants to be stupid if it lets him do a thing his cleverness forbids.

It is what you read when you don't have to that determines what you will be when you can't help …It is what you read when you don't have to that determines what you will be when you can't help it.

Perspective Habit Book Reading

How do you tell a Communist? Well, it's someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an …How do you tell a Communist? Well, it's someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an anti-Communist? It's someone who understands Marx and Lenin.

Politics Humor

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you …If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Failure Funny Short Success

Love is for free, just expensive to …Love is for free, just expensive to shop.

Love Short Humor

Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in …Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length.

Happiness Short

I can normally tell how intelligent a man is by how stupid he thinks I …I can normally tell how intelligent a man is by how stupid he thinks I am.

Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go …Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.

Beauty Short Humor Women

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong …To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.

Love Short Humor Romance

Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to …Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend's success.

Friendship Humor Suffering

Yet each man kills the thing he loves, By each let this be heard, Some do it with a bitter look, …Yet each man kills the thing he loves, By each let this be heard, Some do it with a bitter look, Some with a flattering word, The coward does it with a kiss, The brave man with a sword

Courage Love