I know not with what weapons World War 3 will be fought, but World War 4 will be fought with sticks and stones.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt
If you can't explain it to a six year old, you don't understand it yourself.
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.
Funny + Witty quotes ⇑Funny Quotes
I hope you have not been leading a double life, pretending to be wicked and being good all the time. That would be hypocrisy.
True love is felonious... You take someone's breath away... You rob them of the ability to utter a single word... You steal a heart.
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Love thy neighbor -- and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier.
Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing.
You must have a cigarette. A cigarette is the perfect type of a perfect pleasure. It is exquisite, and it leaves one unsatisfied. What more can one want?
"A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." I really hate this expression. I bet fish would totally want bicycles.
Humor + Witty quotes ⇑Humor Quotes
I may not agree with you, but I will defend to the death your right to make an ass of yourself.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Diplomacy is the art of telling people to go to hell in such a way that they ask for directions.
I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
A woman, especially if she have the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.
Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.
If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf.
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the road less traveled by and they CANCELLED MY FRIKKIN' SHOW. I totally shoulda took the road that had all those people on it. Damn.
Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.
Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one's mistakes.
Yes: I am a dreamer. For a dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.
Alec: "How do you manage never to get mud on your clothes?", Isabelle: "I'm pure at heart. It repels the dirt."
Now, the trouble about trying to make yourself stupider than you really are is that you very often succeed.
There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.
A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men. This was said by gene wilder... what does it mean?
Short + Witty quotes ⇑Short Quotes
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
The public have an insatiable curiosity to know everything, except what is worth knowing.
She is very clever, too clever for a woman. She lacks the indefinable charm of weakness.
I must be a mermaid, Rango. I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living.
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit.
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
Give up trying to make me give up
All Witty Quotes ⇑
In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!
Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit.
It is what you read when you don't have to that determines what you will be when you can't help it.
How do you tell a Communist? Well, it's someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an anti-Communist? It's someone who understands Marx and Lenin.
Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend's success.