Short +
Funny quotes
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Short Quotes
When you worry, it is your funeral, all arranged by yourselfShort
The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot read.Short Reading
There's no bitch on earth like a mother frightened for her kids.Short Truth
If you're gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty.Short Witty
Do you have any proof that you are not already in heaven and making a mess of it?Short Witty Wisdom
If you are infected with the germs of worry you should go on a strict mental dietShort Wisdom
Out of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most.Short Mind
We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.Short Ignorance
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.Short Witty Insult
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.Short Secret
Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.Short Women
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt; long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.Short Analogy Simile
Stupidity is the same as evil if you judge by the results.Short Evil
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.Short
There is no corruption in India, where is corruption in India? there is only BanditryShort Sarcasm
Life +
Funny quotes
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Life Quotes
Our presence here is just for a short period of time. We do not have to shorten it by fighting each otherLife Short Time Truth
To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.Life Short Truth Witty
Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.Life Opportunity Wisdom Advice
If 'A' is a success in life, then 'A' equals 'x' plus 'y' plus 'z'. Work is 'x'; 'y' is play; and 'z' is keeping your mouth shutLife Success Work
My experience of life is that it is not divided up into genres; it's a horrifying, romantic, tragic, comical, science-fiction cowboy detective novel. You know, with a bit of pornography if you're lucky.Life
Once you have a child it's a twenty year project. That is if they do well, if they don't do well it's a lifelong projectLife Witty Children
Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.Life Friends Book
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?Life Short
When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.Life Attitude
If you end up with a boring miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest, or some guy on television telling you how to do your shit, then you deserve it.Life
If you jump off a tall building You will see it will be very blissful till you hit the ground, ignorance is bliss till you get smashed. In that small period it's wonderfulLife Wisdom Ignorance Moment
Is there some aspect of life that human beings are not suffering? If they are poor they suffer their poverty. You make them affluent they suffer that. If they are uneducated they suffer that. If you make them educated they suffer that. If they are unmarried they suffer that. You get them married.. If they don't have children they suffer that. If they have..Life Truth Wisdom Being human
There is no one moment of ease, simply. These structured societies where you have house mortgage which is for thirty years, a car mortgage which is for ten years, an education loan which is twenty two years - you got a life term. You're doing your time in an open prison.Life Truth Humor Reality
I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that's how I know I'm a woman!Life Humor Women
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.Life Short Humor
If you get a headache, go for a foot surgery - then the foot will be aching more than the head - kind of fixed (this is how some people are handling situations)Life Sarcasm
You would be naturally, one hundred percent pleasant within yourself if you make yourself the way you want yourself to be. Without doing that, you had no business to get married, if you ask me. At least one life could have been savedLife Love Marriage Spirituality
[About Cloning] There is a pleasurable way of creating children, I don't see why you're wasting billions of dollars in a laboratory. I am only talking about when still women are able to bear children. it doesn't matter what you call it, you're just producing a human body which is alive - means the life process is there with all the ingredientsLife Science Humor Women
Do not try to conduct the life process itself with willpower because you will become a long successful face. Ulcer in your stomach, success in your bag, face so long nobody wants to see it or your chin will be scraping on the Hyderabad roads. Not goodLife Success
The most important thing that's happening to you right now is life itself, not the fancy thoughts you have, not the emotions you have, not financial arrangements, nor family or whatever rubbish you have built around you- these are accessories to life, these are all frills. Frills are so much you're missing the skirt, that's the whole problem with youLife Truth Witty Wisdom
Only miserable people will have a long life, because if you are miserable you will always feel life is too long that you will want to cut it short.Life Short People
If all the insects on the planet die, life on this planet has a little more than twenty years before everything disappears. If the worms on this planet die tomorrow morning., the life upon this planet has only eight years left. But if you and I disappear, the planet will flourishLife Humans
Most people have not paid any attention to life because they're busy conquering the worldLife Short Sarcasm People
Humor +
Funny quotes
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Humor Quotes
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.Humor
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?Humor Perspective
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.Humor
If you see a man opening a car door for a woman, it means one of two things: it's either a new woman or a new car!Humor
A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.Humor Memory
I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.Humor
(On Soul Mates) Body needs a mate, understandable, mind needs a mate to some extent. The soul if it needs a mate, it's a lost soulHumor Soul Mind Body
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.Humor
I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.Humor
Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch rippleHumor
You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm. It's really funny.Humor Sarcasm
Oh, and I certainly don't suffer from schizophrenia. I quite enjoy it. And so do I.Humor
Sometimes you look back at girls you spent money on rather than send it to your mum and you realise witchcraft is realHumor Sarcasm
When I first came to United States, one word I was hearing everywhere is, 'stress management.' I could not understand this because in my mind, we manage things which are precious to us - our family, our wealth, our business and whatever else which is valuable to us. Why would anybody want to manage stress, is something I couldn't get for some time timeHumor Mind
I feel the youth of today should get little more in terms of physical activity, (if this continues) maybe after sometime only two thumbs will remain, because the only thing they do is textHumor
These days people are on self-help, they manufacture their diseases, they don't wait for any infection to happenHumor Health People
You deal with mythological stuff for a few years, you learn that paradises are usually places where you get killed.Humor
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.Humor
Witty +
Funny quotes
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Witty Quotes
An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.Witty Idea
I hope you have not been leading a double life, pretending to be wicked and being good all the time. That would be hypocrisy.Witty
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.Witty Women
True love is felonious... You take someone's breath away... You rob them of the ability to utter a single word... You steal a heart.Witty
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.Witty Morality
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.Witty Humor Women
Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing.Witty Humor Laughter Food
Fear means you're producing horror movies in your mind. Tch.. Nobody else is willing to watch. That's bad for the producer, but you are producing them. So, you produce something else - produce a comedy, a love story..Witty Fear Humor Mind
If you learn to laugh at your own stupidity, all your crap will turn into manure very fast. And manure is good for growthWitty Wisdom Growth Laughter
You must have a cigarette. A cigarette is the perfect type of a perfect pleasure. It is exquisite, and it leaves one unsatisfied. What more can one want?Witty Pleasure
"A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." I really hate this expression. I bet fish would totally want bicycles.Witty Humor Man woman
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.Witty Humor
You people are cutting people's bodies; this is like murder but with good intention. If the consequence is good it's called a surgery, if consequence is bad it's called a murder, isn't it? Same knife.Witty Perspective
There are over hundred billion galaxies, not hundred billion stars; In such a huge vast cosmos our solar system is like a speck. Tomorrow morning if the whole solar system evaporates, nobody is going to miss it. In that super speck, right now Chennai is a micro super speck. In that you are a big man - that is the whole problemWitty Perspective Being human Universe
[About Sexuality] First thing, you make something which is so simple and basic into right and wrong. Then you want to find a philosophy to subvert the wrong and still have it.Witty
I always found people coming out of restaurants have more joy on their faces than those coming out of a temple or church. What a shame that a dosa can do something more than the divineWitty Joy People
God +
Funny quotes
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God Quotes
Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.God Belief People
God is a comedian playing to an audience that is too afraid to laugh.God
Since you are a human, your imagination of God is a huge man, If you were a buffalo you would be really thinking God is a huge buffalo, may be four hornsGod Imagination Perspective Thinking
It's easier to love God because it's always easy to love somebody who is not here now, it's so easy. But if you have to love somebody who is sitting next to you right now, it costs lifeGod Love Truth Witty
He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a 'HE', because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.God Man
The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble.God Humor Humanity Creation
“God loves me” is of no consequence - he has to love the mistakes that he makesGod Love Short Mistake
We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.God
How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.God Creation
If you are a believer, you know your God is waiting for you when you die, why don't you go? why are you delaying your progress towards God by going to hospitals? It is because you are not a true believerGod Religion Witty Belief
It doesn't matter which religion, which nonsense you belong to, the moment you get God's stamp on what you believe in, that's it, you don't have to apply your intelligence and see what you are doing with lifeGod Religion Belief Humor
Death +
Funny quotes
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Death Quotes
Everybody is going to be dead one day, just give them time.Death Witty
It's better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.Death
if you are going to make people around you joyful and relieved only when you die, that's not a good way to live.Death Life Philosophy Success
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.Death Life Short
Death is not a negative thing, death is the only thing that has added value to your life. If you were here forever, you would be unbearableDeath Life
People think teenage is problem, middle age is problem, old age is problem. What is not the problem? Only death.Death Witty Problems
Don't be dead now. That time will come. Now is the time to be aliveDeath Short Time
Before you and I came here on this planet, a countless number of people have walked on this planet, where are they? All topsoil. You will also be topsoil unless someone buries you real deep fearing you may rise from the deadDeath Truth Witty Wisdom
A whole lot of people are carrying grave faces as if they are practicing the final posture. Time we work towards life, not death. Because when it comes to death, everybody is a Natural Star.Death Life Humor People
The moment you are born, you have a death sentence upon you. When, where and how is the only question. Your death is confirmed.Death Truth Witty Wisdom
You will see Shiva always sitting in the graveyard to tell you it is your mortality which makes you, If want to know what is the nature of your existence, You really want to know where you came from, where you will go only when it sinks into you, all this drama, one day it will end but right now you think only others appear in obituary columns & you read emDeath Existence
Marriage +
Funny quotes
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Marriage Quotes
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.Marriage
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.Marriage People Romance
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.Marriage Passion
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.Marriage Short
There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't, and that's a wife who can't cook and will.Marriage Food
When you were 3-4 years of age you're 100% for marriage, not yours your parents', again when you become 45-50 again you're 100% for marriage, but between 18-35 you're questioning the whole process. Because where the physical body is dominant, at that time if you give in to that then it will question every institutionMarriage Truth Witty
You don't have to talk about marriage and divorce in same breath as if they come together. This is a completely American ideaMarriage
People who want to marry should first have to learn to control their emotions. Two people placed together in the arena of marriage without this training battle worse than opponents in a World War! Wars, at least, come to an end after a timeMarriage War People
If something happens, something entirely went wrong & no way to fix 2 people and they went apart, that's unfortunate, but why should you ever talk about marriage and divorce in one breath? It's a crime to think on those lines. But if it so happens & they have to separate that will any way inevitably happen. You don't have to plan it at the time of weddingMarriage Humor People
Love +
Funny quotes
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Love Quotes
If you love something, set it free, but don't be surprised if it comes back with herpes.Love Short
Love thy neighbor -- and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier.Love Witty
You cannot rise in love, you cannot stand in love, you cannot fly in love, you have to fall. Something of you should fall, otherwise it will not work. You will not know it.Love Philosophy Relationship Witty
To love the person who is next to you is the biggest challenge. To love somebody who is not here is always easyLove Relationship Truth Witty
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.Love Experience
Suppose you fall in love with somebody, your heart becomes sweet. But for how long? there is no guarantee. It can become extremely bitter, because of a love affair, because of situations or disease or death or loss or simply because of boredom. The person that you thought was most exciting,after a few years you look at them & wonder -'did I do this mistake'Love Relationship Mistake
You want to be loved because you feel incomplete. Otherwise, being loved can be quite a nuisanceLove Short
All Funny Quotes ⇑
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're misinformed.
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.Change Hope Marriage Man woman
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.Happiness Memory
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.Work People
Youth is wasted on the young.
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.Philosophy World Man
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.Truth Wisdom Mistake
Never wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.Wisdom
One of the penalties of refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.Philosophy Politics Truth
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.Happiness Money
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.Science Humor Sarcasm Light
Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.Inspirational Humor Society
When you're alone, if you feel lonely, obviously you're in bad companyLoneliness Witty
Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.Education Witty Knowledge Knowing
Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.Happiness
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.Thinking
Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.Freedom
If you trust in yourself. . .and believe in your dreams. . .and follow your star. . . you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy.Work
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it.
Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.Humans
Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleepPhilosophy Witty
Now, now my good man, this is no time to be making enemies. (Voltaire on his deathbed in response to a priest asking him that he renounce Satan.)Enemy Character Integrity
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
There are books of which the backs and covers are by far the best parts.Book
Books serve to show a man that those original thoughts of his aren't very new after all.Truth Thought Book
You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!Education Witty
I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it.Mind Thinking
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.Book
It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.
I want to live my life in such a way that when I get out of bed in the morning, the devil says, "aw shit, he's up!"
Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.Courage Short Evil
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.Sarcasm Intelligence Universe
It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.Book
A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong it is until it's in hot water.Women Simile
I sent the club a wire stating, "Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member."
Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol, morphine or idealism.
Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.Acceptance
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.Man woman
If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.Beauty Humor Opinion
This is how life is happening for a lot of people. Because of the fear of instability, they sit on a bicycle with the stand on. You can pedal, you can get some exercise, but you are not going anywhere.Courage Success Fear People
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.Short People
If there's one thing I've learned over the eons, it's that you can't give up on your family, no matter how tempting they make it.Family
A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?Short Question
You can only hold a smile for so long, after that it's just teeth.Short Smile
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.Short Humor Insult
There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up.Human nature
Hysteria is impossible without an audience. Panicking by yourself is the same as laughing alone in an empty room. You feel really silly.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.Short
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.Belief Humor
Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.Perspective
The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept.Acceptance
A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.Mistake People
If at first the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it.Hope Short Idea
You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood. What mood is that? Last-minute panic.
It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to.
Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.Short Action
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.Insult
I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.Inspirational Humor
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.Short
It's funny, isn't it? When you are young you just want to be old, and then later you wish you could go back to being a kid.Human nature
I am not questioning your honor, I am denying its existence.Short
Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.Short
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.Hate
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers.Literature
I'm a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy.Happiness People
Fighting for peace, is like f***ing for chastityWar Analogy
Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist.Short
Right or wrong, it's very pleasant to break something from time to time.
Calvin : There's no problem so awful, that you can't add some guilt to it and make it even worse.Problems
Five percent of the people think; ten percent of the people think they think; and the other eighty-five percent would rather die than think.Thinking People
A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.Short Understanding
There are few reasons for telling the truth, but for lying the number is infinite.Truth
Stupidity isn't punishable by death. If it was, there would be a hell of a population drop.
There is nothing so pitiful as a young cynic because he has gone from knowing nothing to believing nothing.Knowing Life lessons
Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.Short Fear
I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you existHate Humor
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.Short Humor Work
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family... in another city.Family Happiness
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.Anger Short
A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.Short Advice
If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.Short Humor
The lawyer with the briefcase can steal more money than the man with the gun.Short Money
Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.Relationship Humor Women
A man who has never gone to school may steal a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad.Education
More conflict is happening within the four walls of the homes than is happening anywhere on the planet. Only thing is bombs are not exploding so you don't hear it. They may be giving each other silent treatment.Family Relationship Witty
If your mind took instructions from you, would you keep it stressful or blissful? Blissful. For yourself definitely it's blissfulness. What you want for your neighbor may be debatable but what you want for yourself is definitely highest level of pleasantnessMind
Because you have made a mess out of your adulthood, you are aspiring for your childhood, I think adulthood is greatTruth
People who claim that they are good people, usually they are boring.Short
I don't see any criminals. All I see is, every human being is in pursuit of his happiness. The man whom you call as a criminal is also in pursuit of his happiness. Only thing is he is pursuing his happiness far more vigorously than youHappiness
The first sign of psychological imbalance is you start thinking, 'Nobody is okay.'Short Truth Thinking
Loosen up a bit - laugh more, get involved with people around you, do simple things. If you only do very important things, you will become dead seriousTruth Witty Wisdom People
There is too much talk about heaven hell because too many people have made a hell out of themselvesShort Truth People
The whole world is busy trying to teach everybody something that has not worked in their lives.Short World Humans
If you decorate your problem, you may not want to get rid of it.Short Problems
From poverty to affluence is a hard journey. After making this hard journey, if we cannot live well and instead suffer our affluence, it is a tragedy. We might as well have suffered our poverty - at least it would have been eco-friendlyPerspective
The nations of the world talk about peace only when they are at a disadvantage. When they are at an advantage, they talk about war and aggression.Peace Truth War Reality
You can be happier than a millionaire— in fact, if you knew the troubles of millionaires, you wouldn't want to be one.
I try not to think. It interferes with being nutsThinking
Not that smart. Not that hot. Not that nice. Not that funny. That's me: I'm not that.Short Humor
They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.Short Insult
What about a compromise? I'll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I'll apologize.
When angry, count four. When very angry, swear.Anger Short
You've got about as much charm as a dead slug.Short Insult
If I can't be beautiful, I want to be invisible.Beauty Short
I hate people who are not serious about meals. It is so shallow of them.Hate Food People
If you wish to forget anything on the spot, make a note that this thing is to be remembered.Memory
Sex is an emotion in motion.
I'm a misunderstood genius." "What's misunderstood?" "Nobody thinks I'm a genius."
"For a while" is a phrase whose length can't be measured. At least by the person who's waiting.Time
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.Politics Religion
It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances. The true mystery of the world is the visible, not the invisiblePeople
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.Education Simile
Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat.Freedom Man
For those of you in the cheap seats I'd like ya to clap your hands to this one; the rest of you can just rattle your jewelry!Music
"The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord." "Well, of course, it is. It has to deal with the male one."Man woman
Real gangster-ass Nerdfighters don't run from nothing... 'cause real gangster-ass Nerdfighters can't run fast.
How is it possible to have a 'civil' 'war'?War Humor
You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?'Attitude
Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky sink.Short Romance
Books are a poor substitute for female companionship, but they are easier to find.Relationship Women Book
I am invariably late for appointments - sometimes as much as two hours. I've tried to change my ways but the things that make me late are too strong, and too pleasing.Change
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.Man woman
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."
If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they're happy.Writing
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.Politics Belief Sarcasm
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
Know the rules well, so you can break them effectively.Short Humor
What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes.
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.Science Humor
I just imagine all the other runners are big spiders, and then I get super scared.Imagination Humor
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.Short Witty Humor
Don't interrupt me while I'm interrupting.Short
There are all kinds of idiots on the planet, but the so-called religious and spiritual idiots take the cake anywhere in the world.Religion Spirituality
Hell & Heaven are not geographical places, Hell & Heaven are what you make out of yourself. There is too much talk of heaven because too many people have made Hell out of themselvesWisdom
Philosophers are usually out-of-work men - not many women philosophers, isn't it? Out-of-work men have an explanation as to why they're out of work, so they keep churning up philosophies.Short Humor One liners Man woman
When you identify yourself with an ideology or a belief system; slowly your brain is turning into a concrete block. Calcification is happening, that's why we call you a bonehead; How efficiently it happens depends on the efficiency of the preacher or the teacher. If he is very efficient, you will be a solid block where nothing goes in, nothing goes outReligion Belief
People are capable of suffering just about anything in the world, If you're not educated, you will suffer that. If you get educated, you suffer that. If you don't find a job, you'll suffer that. If you find a job, you suffer that. If you're not married, you'll suffer that. If you get married, you suffer that. If you don't have children, you suffer that..Perspective Mind Suffering
A lot of people believe Yoga started in California, I met someone who seriously believed it was Madonna who started YogaShort Yoga
Unfortunately, if you utter the word Yoga, people think you have to be in some impossible posture, Yoga is not about postures, it is just a minuscule aspect of it, Yoga means in your experience everything has become one. The Word Yoga means UnionExperience Yoga
People whom you consider corrupt, when I really looked through them, I see their reasoning. They don't think they're corrupt. they just say everybody would do the same thing. 'I got the opportunity, they don't have the opportunity. So they are only complaining that they don't have the opportunity'.Truth
Our Parents (generations) also wore torn clothes, but out of compulsion, now (youth) by choiceShort Choice
We have a phenomenal ability to goof up things because we are too much genius with very little organization.
When everybody's striving to live joyfully, if you are walking on the street infecting people with misery with a miserable face it must be on the penal code, You are working against humanity. If you walk on the street with a miserable face you are actually sabotaging the fundamental aspiration of human beingsHumanity Joy
How many varieties of suffering human beings have invented for themselves is absolutely incredible. Actually you could find employment in hell, because if you are so good at torturing yourself, you could be very good at torturing other people.Suffering
There are only two kinds of people in the world, mystics and mistakes. If your perception has made a mistake you're a mistake. If your perception has gone beyond the mistakes and beginning to see life just the way it is then you are a mysticMistake Perception Spirituality
what is my mission? Do you want to bring peace to the world? I just want to live in better companyPeace Short World
Do you know what it takes to remain uneducated? Education is just twenty years of going somewhere and getting one certificate. To remain uneducated, it's very difficult because from the day you're born, your parents, every other adult, the school - everybody is trying to educate you about something that's not worked in their lifeEducation Witty Sarcasm
These righteous people are always trouble. Once you have a strong set of morals, you will see nobody in the world is alright. If nobody in the world is okay, you have a psychological problem.Problems World
So morality is just that, it's the first step towards insanity. You just have to stretch it; if you stretch it, you will go there (insanity)Morality Being human Humanity
we have to be alive to it every moment and as the context changes, what we do has to change. Morality and mortality are not very different.Change Life Philosophy Wisdom
Ten years ago if somebody was walking on the street talking you would know that he's lost it, but today you don't know. Whether they got their head phones on or they just lost it and they're talking, we cannot make out
Why do gurus shave their beards? Beard does not grow on just Gurus, it grows on all men, But they are all doing all kinds of funny things with it - you must ask them why are they shaving it.Men
You don't like faces, but you like the FacebookShort Sarcasm
Sun came up on time today morning. None of the planets in this solar system collided today. In the whole universe no accidents, in this endless cosmos no accidents, everything going great but you have one nasty little thought crawling in your head and it's a bad day, you've completely lost perception with lifeWisdom Humor Perspective Perception
Is there anybody who is not a philosopher? everybody has a philosophy for whatever they're doing, just go to the drunkard on the street & ask him 'why are you drinking like this?' he has a solid philosophy as to why he's drinking, you stop a thief & ask him 'why are you a thief?' he's got a solid philosophy as to why he's a thief.Philosophy Being human
You have entangled yourself in such a way, even if the most significant things happen you can't change the direction of your life, If the greatest things came your way, you cannot change the direction of your life. This is a slave's lifeChange Life
Today in the United States, Yoga means you must look like a leftover noodleShort Yoga
The whole art of being a Guru is just this: to constantly puncture people's ego and still manage to remain their friend.Friends Spirituality People
When heaven-sellers lose the market, the drug-sellers will gain. In this cusp, making Humanity Conscious enough to experience nameless ecstasies of one's interiority is the challenge of our timesReligion Truth Witty Self realization
There are no good people and bad people. Everyone is oscillating between the two. But for sure there are the Intelligent and the Idiotic.Intelligence People
People suffer what happened ten years ago, and they suffer what may happen the day after tomorrow already.Imagination Fear Suffering
Whenever things don't happen the way you want them to happen, there is a temptation to think and name it as destiny, because this is a way of dealing with failure, this is not destiny, just cheap psychiatryFailure Expectation
Nature has evolved us to a higher level of intelligence and awareness, but we are refusing to accept the promotionNature Humanity Intelligence
Parenthood is a very funny thing. You're trying to do something that nobody has ever known how to do wellChildren
The family is an example of how you can turn anything that is created for your wellbeing into a disadvantage.Family
Ancient societies always saw disease as something wrong. But modern societies are treating disease as normal.Perspective Society Health
Do you know that you will also die? (I'm asking) because most people believe that other people die. Intellectually they know, but they think they are forever.Acceptance People
Why would you smoke? Your body is not that kind of machine which smokes. These days we are even working hard to design automobiles that don't smokeHealth Body
If human beings disappeared from the planet, the world would be very peaceful. If you don't create conflict, there is peace.Peace Being human World
Confused people are better than people who have drawn wrong conclusions, because people who have drawn wrong conclusions go at it with full gusto. Confused people hesitate to fight.People
Someone else's belief system looks absolutely ridiculous to you, but they are laughing at your belief system too.Religion Short Belief One liners
The scale of violence that can happen today has happened because the best brains in the world have cooperated with this, The best brains in the world have worked to create the most violent ways to kill humanity. If the intelligent in the world had not cooperated, the violent man would kill one or two, with a stick or a stone or something
A criminal is also concerned about human well-being, but his idea of humanity is just himself. Somebody's idea of humanity is him and his family; somebody else's idea of humanity is him and his country; somebody else's includes the whole world. Everybody is concerned about human well-being in different proportions.Short Humanity Inclusiveness Idea
[About Religious Clashes] Religion should have made people Divine, but it is not even making them human.Religion Short Humanity
The heavens that people have imagined are such lousy places that I would never want to go there.Short
If you want to be successful, surround yourself with people who are more successful than you are, but if you want to be happy, surround yourself with people who are less successful than you are.Happiness Success Humor People
The opposite of a jungle is a vegan restaurant. In a jungle, animals masquerade as plants to avoid being eaten. In a vegan restaurant, plants masquerade as animals to be eaten.
You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic.Writing
She's strong! And scary... I bet she's single... I'd put money on itShort Women
Today's temples, many of them are built like shopping complexes, probably for the same purposeShort
So whatever can be done with ease, if you do it with great difficulty, that means you are a foolShort
People who are moralistic are always looking archaic for the new generation of people, They wonder why these people are still alive. Because you look like you are from somewhere else.Morality
You go into your schoolhouse & tell them A+B=Z.. children will crawl under the table and disappear, well if earth is soft they will dig a tunnel and go away, that is why they fixed concrete floors, but you tell them a story they will burrow themselves from their homes and come and pop up and sit hereEducation Children
There is a negative connotation to gossip, but forever, nobody believed the official version. They always checked their own sources; it has always been a reliable form of communication; but today with all this technology, gossip has gone global
Wrong sense of intelligence has entered people's minds, they think if they make a problem out of every solution they're intelligent, no no, if you find solutions for every problem- that is intelligenceProblems Mind Sarcasm Intelligence
Time is a very relative experience in individual subjective experiences; if you are joyful if you live 100 years it feels like a few moments, it is gone; only miserable people will have a long life.Life Time Experience Moment
As long as there was coffee in the world, how bad could things be?Short
Here's some advice. Stay alive.Advice
You and your name-dropping. 'I knew Michael'. 'I knew Sammael'. 'The angel Gabriel did my hair'. It's like I'm with the Band with biblical figures.
You're not awake until you're actually out of bed and standing up.
The funny thing about writing is that whether you're doing well or doing it poorly, it looks the exact same. That's actually one of the main ways that writing is different from ballet dancing.Writing
I'm placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don't know, possibly littering.
She didn't care that people called her a bitch. 'It's just another word for feminist,' she told me with pride.
"Is that a stake, Bones, or are you just happy with my new dress?" "In this case, it's a stake. You could always feel around for something more, though. See what comes up."
Don't bother her, don't try to talk to her, don't even look at her, or I'll fold you in half so many times you'll look like a tiny little origami werewolf.
If there were an international butt competition, Eric would win, hands down-or cheeks up.
Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks.Short
Some people are like Slinkies. They aren't really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to my face when I push them down a flight of stairs.Simile
IF WE DIE FOR THEM, I'LL KILL YOU, HARRY!
"Be careful, though." "Aren't I always?" "No, I think the word for how you usually are is 'reckless."
"Your mail could've waited." Daemon followed me into the kitchen. "What is it? Just books?" Grabbing the OJ from the fridge, I sighed. People who didn't heart books didn't understand.Book
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. 
I know not with what weapons World War 3 will be fought, but World War 4 will be fought with sticks and stones. 
Experience is merely the name men gave to their mistakes. 
Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience. 
It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt 
Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 
When you worry, it is your funeral, all arranged by yourself 
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt; long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest. 
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. 
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you. 
Our presence here is just for a short period of time. We do not have to shorten it by fighting each other 
Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more. 
If 'A' is a success in life, then 'A' equals 'x' plus 'y' plus 'z'. Work is 'x'; 'y' is play; and 'z' is keeping your mouth shut 
My experience of life is that it is not divided up into genres; it's a horrifying, romantic, tragic, comical, science-fiction cowboy detective novel. You know, with a bit of pornography if you're lucky. 
Once you have a child it's a twenty year project. That is if they do well, if they don't do well it's a lifelong project 
If you end up with a boring miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest, or some guy on television telling you how to do your shit, then you deserve it. 
If you jump off a tall building You will see it will be very blissful till you hit the ground, ignorance is bliss till you get smashed. In that small period it's wonderful 
Is there some aspect of life that human beings are not suffering? If they are poor they suffer their poverty. You make them affluent they suffer that. If they are uneducated they suffer that. If you make them educated they suffer that. If they are unmarried they suffer that. You get them married.. If they don't have children they suffer that. If they have.. 
There is no one moment of ease, simply. These structured societies where you have house mortgage which is for thirty years, a car mortgage which is for ten years, an education loan which is twenty two years - you got a life term. You're doing your time in an open prison. 
Whether I keep you half alive or you keep yourself half alive, whichever way- it's torture 
I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that's how I know I'm a woman! 
If you get a headache, go for a foot surgery - then the foot will be aching more than the head - kind of fixed (this is how some people are handling situations) 
You would be naturally, one hundred percent pleasant within yourself if you make yourself the way you want yourself to be. Without doing that, you had no business to get married, if you ask me. At least one life could have been saved ![[About Cloning] There is a pleasurable way of creating children, I don't see why you're wasting …](/i/quotes-pictures/9/684-sadhguru-cloning-humans-humor.png)
[About Cloning] There is a pleasurable way of creating children, I don't see why you're wasting billions of dollars in a laboratory. I am only talking about when still women are able to bear children. it doesn't matter what you call it, you're just producing a human body which is alive - means the life process is there with all the ingredients 
Do not try to conduct the life process itself with willpower because you will become a long successful face. Ulcer in your stomach, success in your bag, face so long nobody wants to see it or your chin will be scraping on the Hyderabad roads. Not good 
The most important thing that's happening to you right now is life itself, not the fancy thoughts you have, not the emotions you have, not financial arrangements, nor family or whatever rubbish you have built around you- these are accessories to life, these are all frills. Frills are so much you're missing the skirt, that's the whole problem with you 
Only miserable people will have a long life, because if you are miserable you will always feel life is too long that you will want to cut it short. 
If all the insects on the planet die, life on this planet has a little more than twenty years before everything disappears. If the worms on this planet die tomorrow morning., the life upon this planet has only eight years left. But if you and I disappear, the planet will flourish 
Most people have not paid any attention to life because they're busy conquering the world 
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain. 
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? 
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. 
If you see a man opening a car door for a woman, it means one of two things: it's either a new woman or a new car! 
I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member. 
(On Soul Mates) Body needs a mate, understandable, mind needs a mate to some extent. The soul if it needs a mate, it's a lost soul 
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it. 
I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days. 
Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple 
Oh, and I certainly don't suffer from schizophrenia. I quite enjoy it. And so do I. 
Sometimes you look back at girls you spent money on rather than send it to your mum and you realise witchcraft is real 
When I first came to United States, one word I was hearing everywhere is, 'stress management.' I could not understand this because in my mind, we manage things which are precious to us - our family, our wealth, our business and whatever else which is valuable to us. Why would anybody want to manage stress, is something I couldn't get for some time time 
I feel the youth of today should get little more in terms of physical activity, (if this continues) maybe after sometime only two thumbs will remain, because the only thing they do is text 
These days people are on self-help, they manufacture their diseases, they don't wait for any infection to happen 
You deal with mythological stuff for a few years, you learn that paradises are usually places where you get killed. 
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers. 
I hope you have not been leading a double life, pretending to be wicked and being good all the time. That would be hypocrisy. 
True love is felonious... You take someone's breath away... You rob them of the ability to utter a single word... You steal a heart. 
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. 
Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing. 
Fear means you're producing horror movies in your mind. Tch.. Nobody else is willing to watch. That's bad for the producer, but you are producing them. So, you produce something else - produce a comedy, a love story.. 
If you learn to laugh at your own stupidity, all your crap will turn into manure very fast. And manure is good for growth 
You must have a cigarette. A cigarette is the perfect type of a perfect pleasure. It is exquisite, and it leaves one unsatisfied. What more can one want? 
"A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." I really hate this expression. I bet fish would totally want bicycles. 
You people are cutting people's bodies; this is like murder but with good intention. If the consequence is good it's called a surgery, if consequence is bad it's called a murder, isn't it? Same knife. 
There are over hundred billion galaxies, not hundred billion stars; In such a huge vast cosmos our solar system is like a speck. Tomorrow morning if the whole solar system evaporates, nobody is going to miss it. In that super speck, right now Chennai is a micro super speck. In that you are a big man - that is the whole problem ![[About Sexuality] First thing, you make something which is so simple and basic into right and …](/i/quotes-pictures/11/248-sadhguru-sexuality-funny.png)
[About Sexuality] First thing, you make something which is so simple and basic into right and wrong. Then you want to find a philosophy to subvert the wrong and still have it. 
I always found people coming out of restaurants have more joy on their faces than those coming out of a temple or church. What a shame that a dosa can do something more than the divine 
Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure. 
God is a comedian playing to an audience that is too afraid to laugh. 
Since you are a human, your imagination of God is a huge man, If you were a buffalo you would be really thinking God is a huge buffalo, may be four horns 
It's easier to love God because it's always easy to love somebody who is not here now, it's so easy. But if you have to love somebody who is sitting next to you right now, it costs life 
He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a 'HE', because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly. 
The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble. 
“God loves me” is of no consequence - he has to love the mistakes that he makes 
We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be. 
If you are a believer, you know your God is waiting for you when you die, why don't you go? why are you delaying your progress towards God by going to hospitals? It is because you are not a true believer 
It doesn't matter which religion, which nonsense you belong to, the moment you get God's stamp on what you believe in, that's it, you don't have to apply your intelligence and see what you are doing with life 
It's better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month. 
if you are going to make people around you joyful and relieved only when you die, that's not a good way to live. 
Death is not a negative thing, death is the only thing that has added value to your life. If you were here forever, you would be unbearable 
People think teenage is problem, middle age is problem, old age is problem. What is not the problem? Only death. 
Before you and I came here on this planet, a countless number of people have walked on this planet, where are they? All topsoil. You will also be topsoil unless someone buries you real deep fearing you may rise from the dead 
A whole lot of people are carrying grave faces as if they are practicing the final posture. Time we work towards life, not death. Because when it comes to death, everybody is a Natural Star. 
The moment you are born, you have a death sentence upon you. When, where and how is the only question. Your death is confirmed. 
Most people go about their lives as if death is not going to happen to them 
You will see Shiva always sitting in the graveyard to tell you it is your mortality which makes you, If want to know what is the nature of your existence, You really want to know where you came from, where you will go only when it sinks into you, all this drama, one day it will end but right now you think only others appear in obituary columns & you read em 
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. 
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. 
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men. 
There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't, and that's a wife who can't cook and will. 
When you were 3-4 years of age you're 100% for marriage, not yours your parents', again when you become 45-50 again you're 100% for marriage, but between 18-35 you're questioning the whole process. Because where the physical body is dominant, at that time if you give in to that then it will question every institution 
You don't have to talk about marriage and divorce in same breath as if they come together. This is a completely American idea 
Those who think women cannot be leaders are not married. 
People who want to marry should first have to learn to control their emotions. Two people placed together in the arena of marriage without this training battle worse than opponents in a World War! Wars, at least, come to an end after a time 
If something happens, something entirely went wrong & no way to fix 2 people and they went apart, that's unfortunate, but why should you ever talk about marriage and divorce in one breath? It's a crime to think on those lines. But if it so happens & they have to separate that will any way inevitably happen. You don't have to plan it at the time of wedding 
They say marriages are made in heaven. It is just that some people turn it into hell. 
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. 
Love thy neighbor -- and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier. 
You cannot rise in love, you cannot stand in love, you cannot fly in love, you have to fall. Something of you should fall, otherwise it will not work. You will not know it. 
To love the person who is next to you is the biggest challenge. To love somebody who is not here is always easy 
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good. 
Suppose you fall in love with somebody, your heart becomes sweet. But for how long? there is no guarantee. It can become extremely bitter, because of a love affair, because of situations or disease or death or loss or simply because of boredom. The person that you thought was most exciting,after a few years you look at them & wonder -'did I do this mistake' 
There's an enormous possibility on Facebook, you can even love those people who don't even exist 
You want to be loved because you feel incomplete. Otherwise, being loved can be quite a nuisance 
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're misinformed.
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
Youth is wasted on the young.
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
Never wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
One of the penalties of refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.
Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.
When you're alone, if you feel lonely, obviously you're in bad company
In the universities somehow the faces are longer; maybe it's the weight of knowledge or something.
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.
If you trust in yourself. . .and believe in your dreams. . .and follow your star. . . you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it.
Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.
Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep
Now, now my good man, this is no time to be making enemies. (Voltaire on his deathbed in response to a priest asking him that he renounce Satan.)
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.
There are books of which the backs and covers are by far the best parts.
Books serve to show a man that those original thoughts of his aren't very new after all.
You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!
I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
The idea that I can't share my problems with other people makes me not give a shit about their problems.
It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.
I want to live my life in such a way that when I get out of bed in the morning, the devil says, "aw shit, he's up!"
Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong.
Friendship is far more tragic than love. It lasts longer.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
I sent the club a wire stating, "Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member."
Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol, morphine or idealism.
Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
This is how life is happening for a lot of people. Because of the fear of instability, they sit on a bicycle with the stand on. You can pedal, you can get some exercise, but you are not going anywhere.
Usually I'm remarkably good natured. Try me on a day that doesn't end in y.
Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
If there's one thing I've learned over the eons, it's that you can't give up on your family, no matter how tempting they make it.
It isn't against the Law to be an idiot.
There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up.
In truth,there was only one christian and he died on the cross.
Hysteria is impossible without an audience. Panicking by yourself is the same as laughing alone in an empty room. You feel really silly.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood. What mood is that? Last-minute panic.
It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to.
Every man I meet wants to protect me. I can't figure out what from.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
It's funny, isn't it? When you are young you just want to be old, and then later you wish you could go back to being a kid.
I am not questioning your honor, I am denying its existence.
Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers.
Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist.
Right or wrong, it's very pleasant to break something from time to time.
Calvin : There's no problem so awful, that you can't add some guilt to it and make it even worse.
Five percent of the people think; ten percent of the people think they think; and the other eighty-five percent would rather die than think.
A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
There are few reasons for telling the truth, but for lying the number is infinite.
Stupidity isn't punishable by death. If it was, there would be a hell of a population drop.
There is nothing so pitiful as a young cynic because he has gone from knowing nothing to believing nothing.
Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.
If you're lonely when you're alone, you're in bad company.
Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.
A man who has never gone to school may steal a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad.
More conflict is happening within the four walls of the homes than is happening anywhere on the planet. Only thing is bombs are not exploding so you don't hear it. They may be giving each other silent treatment.
If your mind took instructions from you, would you keep it stressful or blissful? Blissful. For yourself definitely it's blissfulness. What you want for your neighbor may be debatable but what you want for yourself is definitely highest level of pleasantness
Because you have made a mess out of your adulthood, you are aspiring for your childhood, I think adulthood is great
People who claim that they are good people, usually they are boring.
I don't see any criminals. All I see is, every human being is in pursuit of his happiness. The man whom you call as a criminal is also in pursuit of his happiness. Only thing is he is pursuing his happiness far more vigorously than you
The first sign of psychological imbalance is you start thinking, 'Nobody is okay.'
Loosen up a bit - laugh more, get involved with people around you, do simple things. If you only do very important things, you will become dead serious
There is too much talk about heaven hell because too many people have made a hell out of themselves
Religion is the arrogance of assuming things that you do not know.
The whole world is busy trying to teach everybody something that has not worked in their lives.
Smartness is in knowing our foolishness
From poverty to affluence is a hard journey. After making this hard journey, if we cannot live well and instead suffer our affluence, it is a tragedy. We might as well have suffered our poverty - at least it would have been eco-friendly
The nations of the world talk about peace only when they are at a disadvantage. When they are at an advantage, they talk about war and aggression.
You can be happier than a millionaire— in fact, if you knew the troubles of millionaires, you wouldn't want to be one.
I try not to think. It interferes with being nuts
They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.
What about a compromise? I'll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I'll apologize.
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
If you wish to forget anything on the spot, make a note that this thing is to be remembered.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
I'm a misunderstood genius." "What's misunderstood?" "Nobody thinks I'm a genius."
"For a while" is a phrase whose length can't be measured. At least by the person who's waiting.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances. The true mystery of the world is the visible, not the invisible
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat.
For those of you in the cheap seats I'd like ya to clap your hands to this one; the rest of you can just rattle your jewelry!
"The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord." "Well, of course, it is. It has to deal with the male one."
Real gangster-ass Nerdfighters don't run from nothing... 'cause real gangster-ass Nerdfighters can't run fast.
You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?'
Books are a poor substitute for female companionship, but they are easier to find.
I am invariably late for appointments - sometimes as much as two hours. I've tried to change my ways but the things that make me late are too strong, and too pleasing.
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."
If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they're happy.
Puns are the highest form of literature.
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes.
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
I just imagine all the other runners are big spiders, and then I get super scared.
Don't interrupt me while I'm interrupting.
If more government is the answer, then it was a really stupid question.
There are all kinds of idiots on the planet, but the so-called religious and spiritual idiots take the cake anywhere in the world.
Hell & Heaven are not geographical places, Hell & Heaven are what you make out of yourself. There is too much talk of heaven because too many people have made Hell out of themselves
Philosophers are usually out-of-work men - not many women philosophers, isn't it? Out-of-work men have an explanation as to why they're out of work, so they keep churning up philosophies.
When you identify yourself with an ideology or a belief system; slowly your brain is turning into a concrete block. Calcification is happening, that's why we call you a bonehead; How efficiently it happens depends on the efficiency of the preacher or the teacher. If he is very efficient, you will be a solid block where nothing goes in, nothing goes out
People are capable of suffering just about anything in the world, If you're not educated, you will suffer that. If you get educated, you suffer that. If you don't find a job, you'll suffer that. If you find a job, you suffer that. If you're not married, you'll suffer that. If you get married, you suffer that. If you don't have children, you suffer that..
A lot of people believe Yoga started in California, I met someone who seriously believed it was Madonna who started Yoga
Unfortunately, if you utter the word Yoga, people think you have to be in some impossible posture, Yoga is not about postures, it is just a minuscule aspect of it, Yoga means in your experience everything has become one. The Word Yoga means Union
People whom you consider corrupt, when I really looked through them, I see their reasoning. They don't think they're corrupt. they just say everybody would do the same thing. 'I got the opportunity, they don't have the opportunity. So they are only complaining that they don't have the opportunity'.
Our Parents (generations) also wore torn clothes, but out of compulsion, now (youth) by choice
We have a phenomenal ability to goof up things because we are too much genius with very little organization.
When everybody's striving to live joyfully, if you are walking on the street infecting people with misery with a miserable face it must be on the penal code, You are working against humanity. If you walk on the street with a miserable face you are actually sabotaging the fundamental aspiration of human beings
How many varieties of suffering human beings have invented for themselves is absolutely incredible. Actually you could find employment in hell, because if you are so good at torturing yourself, you could be very good at torturing other people.
There are only two kinds of people in the world, mystics and mistakes. If your perception has made a mistake you're a mistake. If your perception has gone beyond the mistakes and beginning to see life just the way it is then you are a mystic
what is my mission? Do you want to bring peace to the world? I just want to live in better company
Do you know what it takes to remain uneducated? Education is just twenty years of going somewhere and getting one certificate. To remain uneducated, it's very difficult because from the day you're born, your parents, every other adult, the school - everybody is trying to educate you about something that's not worked in their life
These righteous people are always trouble. Once you have a strong set of morals, you will see nobody in the world is alright. If nobody in the world is okay, you have a psychological problem.
So morality is just that, it's the first step towards insanity. You just have to stretch it; if you stretch it, you will go there (insanity)
we have to be alive to it every moment and as the context changes, what we do has to change. Morality and mortality are not very different.
Ten years ago if somebody was walking on the street talking you would know that he's lost it, but today you don't know. Whether they got their head phones on or they just lost it and they're talking, we cannot make out
Why do gurus shave their beards? Beard does not grow on just Gurus, it grows on all men, But they are all doing all kinds of funny things with it - you must ask them why are they shaving it.
Sun came up on time today morning. None of the planets in this solar system collided today. In the whole universe no accidents, in this endless cosmos no accidents, everything going great but you have one nasty little thought crawling in your head and it's a bad day, you've completely lost perception with life
Is there anybody who is not a philosopher? everybody has a philosophy for whatever they're doing, just go to the drunkard on the street & ask him 'why are you drinking like this?' he has a solid philosophy as to why he's drinking, you stop a thief & ask him 'why are you a thief?' he's got a solid philosophy as to why he's a thief.
You have entangled yourself in such a way, even if the most significant things happen you can't change the direction of your life, If the greatest things came your way, you cannot change the direction of your life. This is a slave's life
The whole art of being a Guru is just this: to constantly puncture people's ego and still manage to remain their friend.
When heaven-sellers lose the market, the drug-sellers will gain. In this cusp, making Humanity Conscious enough to experience nameless ecstasies of one's interiority is the challenge of our times
When people are alone, they become spiritual. When in company, they become religious
An intelligent person knows that he is a fool but a fool does not know that he is a fool
In marriages, there are divergent expectations. The woman expects the man to change. The man expects the woman to never change
There are no good people and bad people. Everyone is oscillating between the two. But for sure there are the Intelligent and the Idiotic.
People suffer what happened ten years ago, and they suffer what may happen the day after tomorrow already.
Whenever things don't happen the way you want them to happen, there is a temptation to think and name it as destiny, because this is a way of dealing with failure, this is not destiny, just cheap psychiatry
Nature has evolved us to a higher level of intelligence and awareness, but we are refusing to accept the promotion
Parenthood is a very funny thing. You're trying to do something that nobody has ever known how to do well
The family is an example of how you can turn anything that is created for your wellbeing into a disadvantage.
Ancient societies always saw disease as something wrong. But modern societies are treating disease as normal.
Do you know that you will also die? (I'm asking) because most people believe that other people die. Intellectually they know, but they think they are forever.
Why would you smoke? Your body is not that kind of machine which smokes. These days we are even working hard to design automobiles that don't smoke
If human beings disappeared from the planet, the world would be very peaceful. If you don't create conflict, there is peace.
Confused people are better than people who have drawn wrong conclusions, because people who have drawn wrong conclusions go at it with full gusto. Confused people hesitate to fight.
Someone else's belief system looks absolutely ridiculous to you, but they are laughing at your belief system too.
The scale of violence that can happen today has happened because the best brains in the world have cooperated with this, The best brains in the world have worked to create the most violent ways to kill humanity. If the intelligent in the world had not cooperated, the violent man would kill one or two, with a stick or a stone or something
A criminal is also concerned about human well-being, but his idea of humanity is just himself. Somebody's idea of humanity is him and his family; somebody else's idea of humanity is him and his country; somebody else's includes the whole world. Everybody is concerned about human well-being in different proportions.
![[About Religious Clashes] Religion should have made people Divine, but it is not even making them …](/i/quotes-pictures/11/338-sadhguru-religion-funny.png)
[About Religious Clashes] Religion should have made people Divine, but it is not even making them human.
The heavens that people have imagined are such lousy places that I would never want to go there.
If you want to be successful, surround yourself with people who are more successful than you are, but if you want to be happy, surround yourself with people who are less successful than you are.
The opposite of a jungle is a vegan restaurant. In a jungle, animals masquerade as plants to avoid being eaten. In a vegan restaurant, plants masquerade as animals to be eaten.
You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic.
Today's temples, many of them are built like shopping complexes, probably for the same purpose
So whatever can be done with ease, if you do it with great difficulty, that means you are a fool
People who are moralistic are always looking archaic for the new generation of people, They wonder why these people are still alive. Because you look like you are from somewhere else.
You go into your schoolhouse & tell them A+B=Z.. children will crawl under the table and disappear, well if earth is soft they will dig a tunnel and go away, that is why they fixed concrete floors, but you tell them a story they will burrow themselves from their homes and come and pop up and sit here
There is a negative connotation to gossip, but forever, nobody believed the official version. They always checked their own sources; it has always been a reliable form of communication; but today with all this technology, gossip has gone global
Wrong sense of intelligence has entered people's minds, they think if they make a problem out of every solution they're intelligent, no no, if you find solutions for every problem- that is intelligence
Time is a very relative experience in individual subjective experiences; if you are joyful if you live 100 years it feels like a few moments, it is gone; only miserable people will have a long life.
As long as there was coffee in the world, how bad could things be?
Here's some advice. Stay alive.
You and your name-dropping. 'I knew Michael'. 'I knew Sammael'. 'The angel Gabriel did my hair'. It's like I'm with the Band with biblical figures.
You're not awake until you're actually out of bed and standing up.
The funny thing about writing is that whether you're doing well or doing it poorly, it looks the exact same. That's actually one of the main ways that writing is different from ballet dancing.
I'm placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don't know, possibly littering.
She didn't care that people called her a bitch. 'It's just another word for feminist,' she told me with pride.
"Is that a stake, Bones, or are you just happy with my new dress?" "In this case, it's a stake. You could always feel around for something more, though. See what comes up."
Don't bother her, don't try to talk to her, don't even look at her, or I'll fold you in half so many times you'll look like a tiny little origami werewolf.
If there were an international butt competition, Eric would win, hands down-or cheeks up.
Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks.
Some people are like Slinkies. They aren't really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to my face when I push them down a flight of stairs.
IF WE DIE FOR THEM, I'LL KILL YOU, HARRY!
"Be careful, though." "Aren't I always?" "No, I think the word for how you usually are is 'reckless."
"Your mail could've waited." Daemon followed me into the kitchen. "What is it? Just books?" Grabbing the OJ from the fridge, I sighed. People who didn't heart books didn't understand.