I know not with what weapons World War 3 will be fought, but World War 4 will be fought with sticks and stones.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt
Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
One of the penalties of refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.
Short + Funny quotes ⇑Short Quotes
When you worry, it is your funeral, all arranged by yourself
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt; long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Humor + Funny quotes ⇑Humor Quotes
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
If you see a man opening a car door for a woman, it means one of two things: it's either a new woman or a new car!
I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist
I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.
Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple
You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm. It's really funny.
Oh, and I certainly don't suffer from schizophrenia. I quite enjoy it. And so do I.
You deal with mythological stuff for a few years, you learn that paradises are usually places where you get killed.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.
Life + Funny quotes ⇑Life Quotes
Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.
If 'A' is a success in life, then 'A' equals 'x' plus 'y' plus 'z'. Work is 'x'; 'y' is play; and 'z' is keeping your mouth shut
My experience of life is that it is not divided up into genres; it's a horrifying, romantic, tragic, comical, science-fiction cowboy detective novel. You know, with a bit of pornography if you're lucky.
When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.
If you end up with a boring miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest, or some guy on television telling you how to do your shit, then you deserve it.
I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that's how I know I'm a woman!
Witty + Funny quotes ⇑Witty Quotes
I hope you have not been leading a double life, pretending to be wicked and being good all the time. That would be hypocrisy.
True love is felonious... You take someone's breath away... You rob them of the ability to utter a single word... You steal a heart.
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing.
You must have a cigarette. A cigarette is the perfect type of a perfect pleasure. It is exquisite, and it leaves one unsatisfied. What more can one want?
"A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." I really hate this expression. I bet fish would totally want bicycles.
All Funny Quotes ⇑
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
Never wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
Books serve to show a man that those original thoughts of his aren't very new after all.
I want to live my life in such a way that when I get out of bed in the morning, the devil says, "aw shit, he's up!"
God is a comedian playing to an audience that is too afraid to laugh.
Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.
You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!
The idea that I can't share my problems with other people makes me not give a shit about their problems.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
There are books of which the backs and covers are by far the best parts.
I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
I sent the club a wire stating, "Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member."
Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen.
It's better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
If you trust in yourself. . .and believe in your dreams. . .and follow your star. . . you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy.
Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.
Now, now my good man, this is no time to be making enemies. (Voltaire on his deathbed in response to a priest asking him that he renounce Satan.)
Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.
Love thy neighbor -- and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier.
Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist.
Calvin : There's no problem so awful, that you can't add some guilt to it and make it even worse.
If there's one thing I've learned over the eons, it's that you can't give up on your family, no matter how tempting they make it.
Fighting for peace, is like f***ing for chastity
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.
The lawyer with the briefcase can steal more money than the man with the gun.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Five percent of the people think; ten percent of the people think they think; and the other eighty-five percent would rather die than think.
There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't, and that's a wife who can't cook and will.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
There is nothing so pitiful as a young cynic because he has gone from knowing nothing to believing nothing.
The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble.
There are few reasons for telling the truth, but for lying the number is infinite.
It isn't against the Law to be an idiot.
Hysteria is impossible without an audience. Panicking by yourself is the same as laughing alone in an empty room. You feel really silly.
There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood. What mood is that? Last-minute panic.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a 'HE', because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.
A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
A man who has never gone to school may steal a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad.
Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.
I am not questioning your honor, I am denying its existence.
It's funny, isn't it? When you are young you just want to be old, and then later you wish you could go back to being a kid.
What about a compromise? I'll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I'll apologize.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.
When angry, count four. When very angry, swear.
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
If you wish to forget anything on the spot, make a note that this thing is to be remembered.
What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes.
I hate people who are not serious about meals. It is so shallow of them.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
You can be happier than a millionaire— in fact, if you knew the troubles of millionaires, you wouldn't want to be one.
How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
"For a while" is a phrase whose length can't be measured. At least by the person who's waiting.
I try not to think. It interferes with being nuts
You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?'
I am invariably late for appointments - sometimes as much as two hours. I've tried to change my ways but the things that make me late are too strong, and too pleasing.
People who want to marry should first have to learn to control their emotions. Two people placed together in the arena of marriage without this training battle worse than opponents in a World War! Wars, at least, come to an end after a time
Books are a poor substitute for female companionship, but they are easier to find.
Real gangster-ass Nerdfighters don't run from nothing... 'cause real gangster-ass Nerdfighters can't run fast.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat.
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."
For those of you in the cheap seats I'd like ya to clap your hands to this one; the rest of you can just rattle your jewelry!
They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.
It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances. The true mystery of the world is the visible, not the invisible
If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they're happy.
"The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord." "Well, of course, it is. It has to deal with the male one."
You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic.
As long as there was coffee in the world, how bad could things be?
The funny thing about writing is that whether you're doing well or doing it poorly, it looks the exact same. That's actually one of the main ways that writing is different from ballet dancing.
You and your name-dropping. 'I knew Michael'. 'I knew Sammael'. 'The angel Gabriel did my hair'. It's like I'm with the Band with biblical figures.
Here's some advice. Stay alive.
I'm placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don't know, possibly littering.
"Is that a stake, Bones, or are you just happy with my new dress?" "In this case, it's a stake. You could always feel around for something more, though. See what comes up."
She didn't care that people called her a bitch. 'It's just another word for feminist,' she told me with pride.
Don't bother her, don't try to talk to her, don't even look at her, or I'll fold you in half so many times you'll look like a tiny little origami werewolf.
Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks.
Some people are like Slinkies. They aren't really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to my face when I push them down a flight of stairs.
"Be careful, though." "Aren't I always?" "No, I think the word for how you usually are is 'reckless."
"Your mail could've waited." Daemon followed me into the kitchen. "What is it? Just books?" Grabbing the OJ from the fridge, I sighed. People who didn't heart books didn't understand.