Funny quotes

I know not with what weapons World War 3 will be fought, but World War 4 will be fought with sticks …I know not with what weapons World War 3 will be fought, but World War 4 will be fought with sticks and stones.

War Witty Wisdom Future

God created war so that Americans would learn …God created war so that Americans would learn geography.

God Short War

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the …Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

Short Witty Universe Human nature

Be yourself; everyone else is already …Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.

Short Witty Honesty

I have never let my schooling interfere with my …I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Education Short Witty

Experience is merely the name men gave to their …Experience is merely the name men gave to their mistakes.

Short Witty Experience Mistake

Fighting for peace is like screwing for …Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Peace War

It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all …It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt

Witty

A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its …A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.

Short Truth

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with …Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

Experience

Atheism is a non-prophet …Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Short

One of the penalties of refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by …One of the penalties of refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.

Philosophy Politics Truth






Short + Funny quotes

Short Quotes
Most people dig their own graves with their knives and …Most people dig their own graves with their knives and forks.

Short Truth People

When you worry, it is your funeral, all arranged by …When you worry, it is your funeral, all arranged by yourself

Short

The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot …The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot read.

Short Reading

A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of …A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction.

Short Witty

Everything in moderation, including …Everything in moderation, including moderation.

Short Truth Witty

There's no bitch on earth like a mother frightened for her …There's no bitch on earth like a mother frightened for her kids.

Short Truth

If you're gonna be two-faced at least make one of them …If you're gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty.

Short Witty

If you are infected with the germs of worry you should go on a strict mental …If you are infected with the germs of worry you should go on a strict mental diet

Short Wisdom

Any fool can know. The point is to …Any fool can know. The point is to understand.

Short Witty Knowledge Learning

I am not young enough to know …I am not young enough to know everything.

Short Witty Humor

Out of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the …Out of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most.

Short Mind

We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain …We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.

Short Ignorance

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with …Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Short Reality

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an …I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Short Witty Insult

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are …Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

Short Secret

Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be …Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.

Short Women

The secret of being a bore is to tell …The secret of being a bore is to tell everything.

Short Secret Writing

A good speech should be like a woman's skirt; long enough to cover the subject and short enough to …A good speech should be like a woman's skirt; long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.

Short Simile

Stupidity is the same as evil if you judge by the …Stupidity is the same as evil if you judge by the results.

Short Evil

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for …Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Short Human nature

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for …If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Short

Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go …Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.

Short Witty Women

When women go wrong, men go right after …When women go wrong, men go right after them.

Short Women

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be …Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.

Short People



Humor + Funny quotes

Humor Quotes
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the …A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Humor

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster …Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Humor Perspective

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful …I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

Humor

Never miss a good chance to shut …Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Humor Silence Advice

If you see a man opening a car door for a woman, it means one of two things: it's either a new …If you see a man opening a car door for a woman, it means one of two things: it's either a new woman or a new car!

Humor

A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad …A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.

Humor Memory

I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you …I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist

Humor

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a …I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

Humor

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for …Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

Humor

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in …I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

Humor

Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% …Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple

Humor

You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm. It's really …You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm. It's really funny.

Humor

Oh, and I certainly don't suffer from schizophrenia. I quite enjoy it. And so do …Oh, and I certainly don't suffer from schizophrenia. I quite enjoy it. And so do I.

Humor

You deal with mythological stuff for a few years, you learn that paradises are usually places where …You deal with mythological stuff for a few years, you learn that paradises are usually places where you get killed.

Humor

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's …I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

Humor



Life + Funny quotes

Life Quotes
To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is …To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.

Life Short Truth Witty

Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an …Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.

Life Wisdom Advice

If 'A' is a success in life, then 'A' equals 'x' plus 'y' plus 'z'. Work is 'x'; 'y' is play; and …If 'A' is a success in life, then 'A' equals 'x' plus 'y' plus 'z'. Work is 'x'; 'y' is play; and 'z' is keeping your mouth shut

Life Success Work

My experience of life is that it is not divided up into genres; it's a horrifying, romantic, …My experience of life is that it is not divided up into genres; it's a horrifying, romantic, tragic, comical, science-fiction cowboy detective novel. You know, with a bit of pornography if you're lucky.

Life

Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal …Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.

Life Friends Book

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you …I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Life Short

When life gives you lemons, chunk it right …When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.

Life

If you end up with a boring miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your …If you end up with a boring miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest, or some guy on television telling you how to do your shit, then you deserve it.

Life

I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in …I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that's how I know I'm a woman!

Life Humor Women

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the …When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

Life Short Humor



Witty + Funny quotes

Witty Quotes
An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at …An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.

Witty Idea

I hope you have not been leading a double life, pretending to be wicked and being good all the …I hope you have not been leading a double life, pretending to be wicked and being good all the time. That would be hypocrisy.

Witty

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real …I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Witty Women

True love is felonious... You take someone's breath away... You rob them of the ability to utter a …True love is felonious... You take someone's breath away... You rob them of the ability to utter a single word... You steal a heart.

Witty

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem …There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Witty

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a …Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Witty Humor Women

Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without …Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing.

Witty Humor Laughter

You must have a cigarette. A cigarette is the perfect type of a perfect pleasure. It is exquisite, …You must have a cigarette. A cigarette is the perfect type of a perfect pleasure. It is exquisite, and it leaves one unsatisfied. What more can one want?

Witty Pleasure

'A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.' I really hate this expression. I bet fish would …"A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." I really hate this expression. I bet fish would totally want bicycles.

Witty Humor



All Funny Quotes


Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable …Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.

Education Short Ignorance

Remember to always be yourself. Unless you …Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.

Advice Individuality

Youth is wasted on the …Youth is wasted on the young.

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will …Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

Change Hope Marriage

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're …If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're misinformed.

The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first …The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.

Happiness Memory

Never wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes …Never wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

Wisdom

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all …Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

Truth Wisdom Mistake

The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt …The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.

Philosophy World Man

Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority …Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.

God Belief People

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, …Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Work People

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them …Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Science Humor Light People

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in …Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.

Love Short Witty

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the …Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.

Inspirational Humor

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of …While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

Happiness

Books serve to show a man that those original thoughts of his aren't very new after …Books serve to show a man that those original thoughts of his aren't very new after all.

Truth Thought Book

I want to live my life in such a way that when I get out of bed in the morning, the devil says, 'aw …I want to live my life in such a way that when I get out of bed in the morning, the devil says, "aw shit, he's up!"

God is a comedian playing to an audience that is too afraid to …God is a comedian playing to an audience that is too afraid to laugh.

God

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried …Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Courage Short Evil

Everybody is going to be dead one day, just give them …Everybody is going to be dead one day, just give them time.

Death Witty

Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they …Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.

It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio …It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.

You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. …You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!

Education Witty

The idea that I can't share my problems with other people makes me not give a shit about their …The idea that I can't share my problems with other people makes me not give a shit about their problems.

Problems Idea People Human nature

I'm single because I was born that …I'm single because I was born that way.

Freedom Witty Choice

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she …I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Book

I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never …I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.

Imagination Life Short Fear

There are books of which the backs and covers are by far the best …There are books of which the backs and covers are by far the best parts.

Book

I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any …I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it.

Mind Thinking

Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol, morphine or …Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol, morphine or idealism.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly …My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Beauty Humor

The only thing that interferes with my learning is my …The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.

Education Short Learning

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a …Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

Marriage

I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club …I sent the club a wire stating, "Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member."

Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial …Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.

Acceptance

The only man who never makes mistakes is the man who never does …The only man who never makes mistakes is the man who never does anything.

Success Wisdom Mistake

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we …My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he …An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong it is until it's in hot …A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong it is until it's in hot water.

Women Simile

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you …Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

Marriage People Romance

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to …Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Book

If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in …If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen.

Friendship is far more tragic than love. It lasts …Friendship is far more tragic than love. It lasts longer.

Friendship Love Short Witty

It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are …It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong.

It's better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during …It's better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.

Death

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried …The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

Universe

Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him …Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.

Freedom

If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do …If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it.

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and …The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

Thinking

Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is …Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.

Education Witty Knowledge

If you trust in yourself. . .and believe in your dreams. . .and follow your star. . . you'll still …If you trust in yourself. . .and believe in your dreams. . .and follow your star. . . you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy.

Work

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls …The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

The planet is fine. The people are …The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

Nature Humor Humanity

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so …Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

Forgiveness Short Witty Enemy

Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every …Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.

Humans

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth …Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Now, now my good man, this is no time to be making enemies. (Voltaire on his deathbed in response …Now, now my good man, this is no time to be making enemies. (Voltaire on his deathbed in response to a priest asking him that he renounce Satan.)

Enemy Character

Sanity and happiness are an impossible …Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.

Happiness

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people …Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep

Philosophy Witty

Love thy neighbor -- and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much …Love thy neighbor -- and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier.

Love Witty

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do …Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an …Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist.

Short

A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others …A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?

Short Question

Calvin : There's no problem so awful, that you can't add some guilt to it and make it even …Calvin : There's no problem so awful, that you can't add some guilt to it and make it even worse.

Problems

If there's one thing I've learned over the eons, it's that you can't give up on your family, no …If there's one thing I've learned over the eons, it's that you can't give up on your family, no matter how tempting they make it.

Family

In politics, stupidity is not a …In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.

Politics Short

Right or wrong, it's very pleasant to break something from time to …Right or wrong, it's very pleasant to break something from time to time.

Fighting for peace, is like f***ing for …Fighting for peace, is like f***ing for chastity

War

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. …When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

If you love something, set it free, but don't be surprised if it comes back with …If you love something, set it free, but don't be surprised if it comes back with herpes.

Love Short

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of …Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.

Imagination Life Short Witty

I'm a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me …I'm a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy.

Happiness People

The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but …The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers.

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of …I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

Short Witty Insult

Eighty percent of success is showing …Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Inspirational Short Success

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's …Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Death Life Short

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as …Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

Perspective

Usually I'm remarkably good natured. Try me on a day that doesn't end in …Usually I'm remarkably good natured. Try me on a day that doesn't end in y.

Nature Short Personality

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you …If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Failure Short Success Witty

Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper …Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.

Relationship Humor Women

The lawyer with the briefcase can steal more money than the man with the …The lawyer with the briefcase can steal more money than the man with the gun.

Short

If you're lonely when you're alone, you're in bad …If you're lonely when you're alone, you're in bad company.

Loneliness Humor

If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall …If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Short Humor

A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need …A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.

Short Advice

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a …If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Failure Short Success Humor

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and …Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Short

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad …Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.

Experience Mistake

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family... in another …Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family... in another city.

Family Happiness

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving …I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

Short Humor Work

Fools rush in where angels fear to …Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.

Short Fear

Five percent of the people think; ten percent of the people think they think; and the other …Five percent of the people think; ten percent of the people think they think; and the other eighty-five percent would rather die than think.

Thinking People

To err is human - but it feels …To err is human - but it feels divine.

Short Humans

There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't, and that's a wife who …There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't, and that's a wife who can't cook and will.

Marriage

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a …I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Marriage Short

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married …I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Marriage

You can only hold a smile for so long, after that it's just …You can only hold a smile for so long, after that it's just teeth.

Short Smile

There is nothing so pitiful as a young cynic because he has gone from knowing nothing to believing …There is nothing so pitiful as a young cynic because he has gone from knowing nothing to believing nothing.

Life lessons

The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space …The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble.

God Humor Humanity Universe

Stupidity isn't punishable by death. If it was, there would be a hell of a population …Stupidity isn't punishable by death. If it was, there would be a hell of a population drop.

There are few reasons for telling the truth, but for lying the number is …There are few reasons for telling the truth, but for lying the number is infinite.

Truth

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of …A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Short Understanding

Hell is empty and all the devils are …Hell is empty and all the devils are here.

Short Humans

It isn't against the Law to be an …It isn't against the Law to be an idiot.

Short

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for …A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.

Hysteria is impossible without an audience. Panicking by yourself is the same as laughing alone in …Hysteria is impossible without an audience. Panicking by yourself is the same as laughing alone in an empty room. You feel really silly.

Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely …Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.

Inspirational Humor

I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as …I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them …There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up.

Human nature

In truth,there was only one christian and he died on the …In truth,there was only one christian and he died on the cross.

Religion Short Truth Human nature

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an …He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Insult

Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as …Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.

Short Action

Every man I meet wants to protect me. I can't figure out what …Every man I meet wants to protect me. I can't figure out what from.

Relationship Short Women

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love …A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.

Happiness Short Witty Women

It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically …It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to.

I've been on a calendar, but never on …I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Short

You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood. What mood is …You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood. What mood is that? Last-minute panic.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than …Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Short

If at first the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for …If at first the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it.

Hope Short Idea

Is man merely a mistake of God's? Or God merely a mistake of …Is man merely a mistake of God's? Or God merely a mistake of man?

God Religion Mistake

He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a 'HE', because no woman could or would ever fuck …He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a 'HE', because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.

God Man

Women are made to be loved, not …Women are made to be loved, not understood.

Love Short Women

A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to …A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.

Mistake People

The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I …The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

Acceptance

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe …That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Belief Humor

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of …I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Short Humor Insult

A man who has never gone to school may steal a freight car; but if he has a university education, …A man who has never gone to school may steal a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad.

Education

Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to …Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.

Short

In heaven, all the interesting people are …In heaven, all the interesting people are missing.

Religion Short People

I am not questioning your honor, I am denying its …I am not questioning your honor, I am denying its existence.

Short

Humor is reason gone …Humor is reason gone mad.

Short Humor

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a …I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

It's funny, isn't it? When you are young you just want to be old, and then later you wish you could …It's funny, isn't it? When you are young you just want to be old, and then later you wish you could go back to being a kid.

Human nature

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't …Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Inspirational Short Mind

Know the rules well, so you can break them …Know the rules well, so you can break them effectively.

Short Humor

What about a compromise? I'll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I'll …What about a compromise? I'll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I'll apologize.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a …I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the …We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.

God

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe …When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.

Politics Belief

When angry, count four. When very angry, …When angry, count four. When very angry, swear.

Short

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income …The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.

Understanding

How is it possible to have a 'civil' …How is it possible to have a 'civil' 'war'?

War Humor

Sex is an emotion in …Sex is an emotion in motion.

I'm a misunderstood genius.' 'What's misunderstood?' 'Nobody thinks I'm a …I'm a misunderstood genius." "What's misunderstood?" "Nobody thinks I'm a genius."

No good deed goes …No good deed goes unpunished.

Short Witty Humor Kindness

Puns are the highest form of …Puns are the highest form of literature.

Short Humor

If you wish to forget anything on the spot, make a note that this thing is to be …If you wish to forget anything on the spot, make a note that this thing is to be remembered.

Memory

What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat …What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes.

I hate people who are not serious about meals. It is so shallow of …I hate people who are not serious about meals. It is so shallow of them.

People

I felt like an animal, and animals don't know sin, do …I felt like an animal, and animals don't know sin, do they?

Short Humor Honesty

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us …I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Politics Religion

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see …Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

Science Humor

I just imagine all the other runners are big spiders, and then I get super …I just imagine all the other runners are big spiders, and then I get super scared.

Imagination Humor

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't …I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Short Witty Humor

People are so skillful in their …People are so skillful in their ignorance

Short Ignorance People

You can be happier than a millionaire— in fact, if you knew the troubles of millionaires, you …You can be happier than a millionaire— in fact, if you knew the troubles of millionaires, you wouldn't want to be one.

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever …How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

God

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty …Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

Love Experience

'For a while' is a phrase whose length can't be measured. At least by the person who's …"For a while" is a phrase whose length can't be measured. At least by the person who's waiting.

Time

I try not to think. It interferes with being …I try not to think. It interferes with being nuts

Thinking

You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a …You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?'

I am invariably late for appointments - sometimes as much as two hours. I've tried to change my …I am invariably late for appointments - sometimes as much as two hours. I've tried to change my ways but the things that make me late are too strong, and too pleasing.

Change

You've got about as much charm as a dead …You've got about as much charm as a dead slug.

Short Insult

People who want to marry should first have to learn to control their emotions. Two people placed …People who want to marry should first have to learn to control their emotions. Two people placed together in the arena of marriage without this training battle worse than opponents in a World War! Wars, at least, come to an end after a time

Marriage War People

Books are a poor substitute for female companionship, but they are easier to …Books are a poor substitute for female companionship, but they are easier to find.

Relationship Women Book

Real gangster-ass Nerdfighters don't run from nothing... 'cause real gangster-ass Nerdfighters …Real gangster-ass Nerdfighters don't run from nothing... 'cause real gangster-ass Nerdfighters can't run fast.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow …Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot …Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Education Simile

Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the …Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat.

Freedom Man

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is …I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."

For those of you in the cheap seats I'd like ya to clap your hands to this one; the rest of you can …For those of you in the cheap seats I'd like ya to clap your hands to this one; the rest of you can just rattle your jewelry!

Music

They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more …They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.

Short Insult

I discover myself on the verge of a usual …I discover myself on the verge of a usual mistake.

Poetry Short Mistake

It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances. The true mystery of the world is the …It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances. The true mystery of the world is the visible, not the invisible

People

Not that smart. Not that hot. Not that nice. Not that funny. That's me: I'm not …Not that smart. Not that hot. Not that nice. Not that funny. That's me: I'm not that.

Short Humor

If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do …If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they're happy.

Writing

Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky …Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky sink.

Short Romance

If I can't be beautiful, I want to be …If I can't be beautiful, I want to be invisible.

Beauty Short

'The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord.' 'Well, of course, it is. It has to deal with …"The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord." "Well, of course, it is. It has to deal with the male one."

She's strong! And scary... I bet she's single... I'd put money on …She's strong! And scary... I bet she's single... I'd put money on it

Short Women

You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an …You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic.

Writing

As long as there was coffee in the world, how bad could things …As long as there was coffee in the world, how bad could things be?

Short

The funny thing about writing is that whether you're doing well or doing it poorly, it looks the …The funny thing about writing is that whether you're doing well or doing it poorly, it looks the exact same. That's actually one of the main ways that writing is different from ballet dancing.

Writing

You and your name-dropping. 'I knew Michael'. 'I knew Sammael'. 'The angel Gabriel did my hair'. …You and your name-dropping. 'I knew Michael'. 'I knew Sammael'. 'The angel Gabriel did my hair'. It's like I'm with the Band with biblical figures.

You're not awake until you're actually out of bed and standing …You're not awake until you're actually out of bed and standing up.

Here's some advice. Stay …Here's some advice. Stay alive.

Advice

I'm placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don't know, possibly …I'm placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don't know, possibly littering.

'Is that a stake, Bones, or are you just happy with my new dress?' 'In this case, it's a stake. You …"Is that a stake, Bones, or are you just happy with my new dress?" "In this case, it's a stake. You could always feel around for something more, though. See what comes up."

She didn't care that people called her a bitch. 'It's just another word for feminist,' she told me …She didn't care that people called her a bitch. 'It's just another word for feminist,' she told me with pride.

If there were an international butt competition, Eric would win, hands down-or cheeks …If there were an international butt competition, Eric would win, hands down-or cheeks up.

Don't bother her, don't try to talk to her, don't even look at her, or I'll fold you in half so …Don't bother her, don't try to talk to her, don't even look at her, or I'll fold you in half so many times you'll look like a tiny little origami werewolf.

Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's …Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks.

Short

Some people are like Slinkies. They aren't really good for anything, but they still bring a smile …Some people are like Slinkies. They aren't really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to my face when I push them down a flight of stairs.

Simile

IF WE DIE FOR THEM, I'LL KILL YOU, …IF WE DIE FOR THEM, I'LL KILL YOU, HARRY!

'Be careful, though.' 'Aren't I always?' 'No, I think the word for how you usually are is …"Be careful, though." "Aren't I always?" "No, I think the word for how you usually are is 'reckless."

'Your mail could've waited.' Daemon followed me into the kitchen. 'What is it? Just books?' …"Your mail could've waited." Daemon followed me into the kitchen. "What is it? Just books?" Grabbing the OJ from the fridge, I sighed. People who didn't heart books didn't understand.

Book