Funny quotes

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the …Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

Short Witty Universe Human nature

God created war so that Americans would learn …God created war so that Americans would learn geography.

God Short War

I know not with what weapons World War 3 will be fought, but World War 4 will be fought with sticks …I know not with what weapons World War 3 will be fought, but World War 4 will be fought with sticks and stones.

War Witty Wisdom Future

Be yourself; everyone else is already …Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.

Short Witty Honesty

I have never let my schooling interfere with my …I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Education Short Witty

Fighting for peace is like screwing for …Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Peace War

Experience is merely the name men gave to their …Experience is merely the name men gave to their mistakes.

Short Witty Experience Mistake

It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all …It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt

Witty

Atheism is a non-prophet …Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Short

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with …Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

Experience

A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its …A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.

Short Truth Lie

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will …Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

Change Hope Marriage Man woman






Short + Funny quotes

Short Quotes
Most people dig their own graves with their knives and …Most people dig their own graves with their knives and forks.

Short Truth Food People

When you worry, it is your funeral, all arranged by …When you worry, it is your funeral, all arranged by yourself

Short

The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot …The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot read.

Short Reading

A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of …A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction.

Short Witty Man woman

Everything in moderation, including …Everything in moderation, including moderation.

Short Truth Witty

There's no bitch on earth like a mother frightened for her …There's no bitch on earth like a mother frightened for her kids.

Short Truth

If you're gonna be two-faced at least make one of them …If you're gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty.

Short Witty

Do you have any proof that you are not already in heaven and making a mess of …Do you have any proof that you are not already in heaven and making a mess of it?

Short Witty Wisdom

If you are infected with the germs of worry you should go on a strict mental …If you are infected with the germs of worry you should go on a strict mental diet

Short Wisdom

Any fool can know. The point is to …Any fool can know. The point is to understand.

Short Witty Knowledge Learning

I am not young enough to know …I am not young enough to know everything.

Short Witty Humor Sarcasm

Out of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the …Out of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most.

Short Mind

We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain …We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.

Short Ignorance

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with …Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Short Reality Man woman Earth

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an …I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Short Witty Insult

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are …Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

Short Secret

Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be …Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.

Short Women

The secret of being a bore is to tell …The secret of being a bore is to tell everything.

Short Secret Writing

A good speech should be like a woman's skirt; long enough to cover the subject and short enough to …A good speech should be like a woman's skirt; long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.

Short Analogy Simile

Stupidity is the same as evil if you judge by the …Stupidity is the same as evil if you judge by the results.

Short Evil

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for …Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Short Human nature

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for …If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Short

Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go …Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.

Short Witty Women

When women go wrong, men go right after …When women go wrong, men go right after them.

Short Women Men



Life + Funny quotes

Life Quotes
Our presence here is just for a short period of time. We do not have to shorten it by fighting each …Our presence here is just for a short period of time. We do not have to shorten it by fighting each other

Life Short Time Truth

To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is …To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.

Life Short Truth Witty

Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an …Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.

Life Opportunity Wisdom Advice

If 'A' is a success in life, then 'A' equals 'x' plus 'y' plus 'z'. Work is 'x'; 'y' is play; and …If 'A' is a success in life, then 'A' equals 'x' plus 'y' plus 'z'. Work is 'x'; 'y' is play; and 'z' is keeping your mouth shut

Life Success Work

My experience of life is that it is not divided up into genres; it's a horrifying, romantic, …My experience of life is that it is not divided up into genres; it's a horrifying, romantic, tragic, comical, science-fiction cowboy detective novel. You know, with a bit of pornography if you're lucky.

Life

Once you have a child it's a twenty year project. That is if they do well, if they don't do well …Once you have a child it's a twenty year project. That is if they do well, if they don't do well it's a lifelong project

Life Witty Children

Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal …Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.

Life Friends Book

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you …I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Life Short

When life gives you lemons, chunk it right …When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.

Life Attitude

If you end up with a boring miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your …If you end up with a boring miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest, or some guy on television telling you how to do your shit, then you deserve it.

Life

If you jump off a tall building You will see it will be very blissful till you hit the ground, …If you jump off a tall building You will see it will be very blissful till you hit the ground, ignorance is bliss till you get smashed. In that small period it's wonderful

Life Wisdom Ignorance Moment

Is there some aspect of life that human beings are not suffering? If they are poor they suffer …Is there some aspect of life that human beings are not suffering? If they are poor they suffer their poverty. You make them affluent they suffer that. If they are uneducated they suffer that. If you make them educated they suffer that. If they are unmarried they suffer that. You get them married.. If they don't have children they suffer that. If they have..

Life Truth Wisdom Being human

There is no one moment of ease, simply. These structured societies where you have house mortgage …There is no one moment of ease, simply. These structured societies where you have house mortgage which is for thirty years, a car mortgage which is for ten years, an education loan which is twenty two years - you got a life term. You're doing your time in an open prison.

Life Truth Humor Reality

Whether I keep you half alive or you keep yourself half alive, whichever way- it's …Whether I keep you half alive or you keep yourself half alive, whichever way- it's torture

Life Philosophy Short Truth

I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in …I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that's how I know I'm a woman!

Life Humor Women

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the …When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

Life Short Humor

If you get a headache, go for a foot surgery - then the foot will be aching more than the head - …If you get a headache, go for a foot surgery - then the foot will be aching more than the head - kind of fixed (this is how some people are handling situations)

Life Sarcasm

You would be naturally, one hundred percent pleasant within yourself if you make yourself the way …You would be naturally, one hundred percent pleasant within yourself if you make yourself the way you want yourself to be. Without doing that, you had no business to get married, if you ask me. At least one life could have been saved

Life Love Marriage Spirituality

[About Cloning] There is a pleasurable way of creating children, I don't see why you're wasting …[About Cloning] There is a pleasurable way of creating children, I don't see why you're wasting billions of dollars in a laboratory. I am only talking about when still women are able to bear children. it doesn't matter what you call it, you're just producing a human body which is alive - means the life process is there with all the ingredients

Life Science Humor Women

Do not try to conduct the life process itself with willpower because you will become a long …Do not try to conduct the life process itself with willpower because you will become a long successful face. Ulcer in your stomach, success in your bag, face so long nobody wants to see it or your chin will be scraping on the Hyderabad roads. Not good

Life Success

The most important thing that's happening to you right now is life itself, not the fancy thoughts …The most important thing that's happening to you right now is life itself, not the fancy thoughts you have, not the emotions you have, not financial arrangements, nor family or whatever rubbish you have built around you- these are accessories to life, these are all frills. Frills are so much you're missing the skirt, that's the whole problem with you

Life Truth Witty Wisdom

Only miserable people will have a long life, because if you are miserable you will always feel life …Only miserable people will have a long life, because if you are miserable you will always feel life is too long that you will want to cut it short.

Life Short People

If all the insects on the planet die, life on this planet has a little more than twenty years …If all the insects on the planet die, life on this planet has a little more than twenty years before everything disappears. If the worms on this planet die tomorrow morning., the life upon this planet has only eight years left. But if you and I disappear, the planet will flourish

Life Humans

Most people have not paid any attention to life because they're busy conquering the …Most people have not paid any attention to life because they're busy conquering the world

Life Short Sarcasm People



Humor + Funny quotes

Humor Quotes
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the …A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Humor

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster …Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Humor Perspective

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful …I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

Humor

Never miss a good chance to shut …Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Humor Silence Advice

If you see a man opening a car door for a woman, it means one of two things: it's either a new …If you see a man opening a car door for a woman, it means one of two things: it's either a new woman or a new car!

Humor

A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad …A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.

Humor Memory

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a …I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

Humor

(On Soul Mates) Body needs a mate, understandable, mind needs a mate to some extent. The soul if it …(On Soul Mates) Body needs a mate, understandable, mind needs a mate to some extent. The soul if it needs a mate, it's a lost soul

Humor Soul Mind Body

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for …Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

Humor

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in …I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

Humor

Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% …Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple

Humor

You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm. It's really …You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm. It's really funny.

Humor Sarcasm

Oh, and I certainly don't suffer from schizophrenia. I quite enjoy it. And so do …Oh, and I certainly don't suffer from schizophrenia. I quite enjoy it. And so do I.

Humor

Sometimes you look back at girls you spent money on rather than send it to your mum and you realise …Sometimes you look back at girls you spent money on rather than send it to your mum and you realise witchcraft is real

Humor Sarcasm

When I first came to United States, one word I was hearing everywhere is, 'stress management.' I …When I first came to United States, one word I was hearing everywhere is, 'stress management.' I could not understand this because in my mind, we manage things which are precious to us - our family, our wealth, our business and whatever else which is valuable to us. Why would anybody want to manage stress, is something I couldn't get for some time time

Humor Mind

I feel the youth of today should get little more in terms of physical activity, (if this continues) …I feel the youth of today should get little more in terms of physical activity, (if this continues) maybe after sometime only two thumbs will remain, because the only thing they do is text

Humor

These days people are on self-help, they manufacture their diseases, they don't wait for any …These days people are on self-help, they manufacture their diseases, they don't wait for any infection to happen

Humor Health People

You deal with mythological stuff for a few years, you learn that paradises are usually places where …You deal with mythological stuff for a few years, you learn that paradises are usually places where you get killed.

Humor

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's …I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

Humor



Witty + Funny quotes

Witty Quotes
An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at …An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.

Witty Idea

I hope you have not been leading a double life, pretending to be wicked and being good all the …I hope you have not been leading a double life, pretending to be wicked and being good all the time. That would be hypocrisy.

Witty

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real …I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Witty Women

True love is felonious... You take someone's breath away... You rob them of the ability to utter a …True love is felonious... You take someone's breath away... You rob them of the ability to utter a single word... You steal a heart.

Witty

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem …There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Witty Morality

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a …Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Witty Humor Women

Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without …Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing.

Witty Humor Laughter Food

Fear means you're producing horror movies in your mind. Tch.. Nobody else is willing to watch. …Fear means you're producing horror movies in your mind. Tch.. Nobody else is willing to watch. That's bad for the producer, but you are producing them. So, you produce something else - produce a comedy, a love story..

Witty Fear Humor Mind

If you learn to laugh at your own stupidity, all your crap will turn into manure very fast. And …If you learn to laugh at your own stupidity, all your crap will turn into manure very fast. And manure is good for growth

Witty Wisdom Growth Laughter

You must have a cigarette. A cigarette is the perfect type of a perfect pleasure. It is exquisite, …You must have a cigarette. A cigarette is the perfect type of a perfect pleasure. It is exquisite, and it leaves one unsatisfied. What more can one want?

Witty Pleasure

'A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.' I really hate this expression. I bet fish would …"A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." I really hate this expression. I bet fish would totally want bicycles.

Witty Humor Man woman

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at …I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Witty Humor

You people are cutting people's bodies; this is like murder but with good intention. If the …You people are cutting people's bodies; this is like murder but with good intention. If the consequence is good it's called a surgery, if consequence is bad it's called a murder, isn't it? Same knife.

Witty Perspective

There are over hundred billion galaxies, not hundred billion stars; In such a huge vast cosmos our …There are over hundred billion galaxies, not hundred billion stars; In such a huge vast cosmos our solar system is like a speck. Tomorrow morning if the whole solar system evaporates, nobody is going to miss it. In that super speck, right now Chennai is a micro super speck. In that you are a big man - that is the whole problem

Witty Perspective Being human Universe

[About Sexuality] First thing, you make something which is so simple and basic into right and …[About Sexuality] First thing, you make something which is so simple and basic into right and wrong. Then you want to find a philosophy to subvert the wrong and still have it.

Witty

I always found people coming out of restaurants have more joy on their faces than those coming out …I always found people coming out of restaurants have more joy on their faces than those coming out of a temple or church. What a shame that a dosa can do something more than the divine

Witty Joy People



God + Funny quotes

God Quotes
Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority …Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.

God Belief People

God is a comedian playing to an audience that is too afraid to …God is a comedian playing to an audience that is too afraid to laugh.

God

Since you are a human, your imagination of God is a huge man, If you were a buffalo you would be …Since you are a human, your imagination of God is a huge man, If you were a buffalo you would be really thinking God is a huge buffalo, may be four horns

God Imagination Perspective Thinking

It's easier to love God because it's always easy to love somebody who is not here now, it's so …It's easier to love God because it's always easy to love somebody who is not here now, it's so easy. But if you have to love somebody who is sitting next to you right now, it costs life

God Love Truth Witty

Is man merely a mistake of God's? Or God merely a mistake of …Is man merely a mistake of God's? Or God merely a mistake of man?

God Religion Mistake

He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a 'HE', because no woman could or would ever fuck …He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a 'HE', because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.

God Man

The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space …The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble.

God Humor Humanity Creation

“God loves me” is of no consequence - he has to love the mistakes that he …“God loves me” is of no consequence - he has to love the mistakes that he makes

God Love Short Mistake

We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the …We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.

God

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever …How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

God Creation

If you are a believer, you know your God is waiting for you when you die, why don't you go? why are …If you are a believer, you know your God is waiting for you when you die, why don't you go? why are you delaying your progress towards God by going to hospitals? It is because you are not a true believer

God Religion Witty Belief

It doesn't matter which religion, which nonsense you belong to, the moment you get God's stamp on …It doesn't matter which religion, which nonsense you belong to, the moment you get God's stamp on what you believe in, that's it, you don't have to apply your intelligence and see what you are doing with life

God Religion Belief Humor



Death + Funny quotes

Death Quotes
Everybody is going to be dead one day, just give them …Everybody is going to be dead one day, just give them time.

Death Witty

It's better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during …It's better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.

Death

if you are going to make people around you joyful and relieved only when you die, that's not a good …if you are going to make people around you joyful and relieved only when you die, that's not a good way to live.

Death Life Philosophy Success

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's …Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Death Life Short

Death is not a negative thing, death is the only thing that has added value to your life. If you …Death is not a negative thing, death is the only thing that has added value to your life. If you were here forever, you would be unbearable

Death Life

People think teenage is problem, middle age is problem, old age is problem. What is not the …People think teenage is problem, middle age is problem, old age is problem. What is not the problem? Only death.

Death Witty Problems

Don't be dead now. That time will come. Now is the time to be …Don't be dead now. That time will come. Now is the time to be alive

Death Short Time

Before you and I came here on this planet, a countless number of people have walked on this planet, …Before you and I came here on this planet, a countless number of people have walked on this planet, where are they? All topsoil. You will also be topsoil unless someone buries you real deep fearing you may rise from the dead

Death Truth Witty Wisdom

A whole lot of people are carrying grave faces as if they are practicing the final posture. Time we …A whole lot of people are carrying grave faces as if they are practicing the final posture. Time we work towards life, not death. Because when it comes to death, everybody is a Natural Star.

Death Life Humor People

The moment you are born, you have a death sentence upon you. When, where and how is the only …The moment you are born, you have a death sentence upon you. When, where and how is the only question. Your death is confirmed.

Death Truth Witty Wisdom

Most people go about their lives as if death is not going to happen to …Most people go about their lives as if death is not going to happen to them

Death Short Truth One liners

You will see Shiva always sitting in the graveyard to tell you it is your mortality which makes …You will see Shiva always sitting in the graveyard to tell you it is your mortality which makes you, If want to know what is the nature of your existence, You really want to know where you came from, where you will go only when it sinks into you, all this drama, one day it will end but right now you think only others appear in obituary columns & you read em

Death Existence



Marriage + Funny quotes

Marriage Quotes
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a …Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

Marriage

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you …Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

Marriage People Romance

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married …I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Marriage Passion

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a …I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Marriage Short

There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't, and that's a wife who …There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't, and that's a wife who can't cook and will.

Marriage Food

When you were 3-4 years of age you're 100% for marriage, not yours your parents', again when you …When you were 3-4 years of age you're 100% for marriage, not yours your parents', again when you become 45-50 again you're 100% for marriage, but between 18-35 you're questioning the whole process. Because where the physical body is dominant, at that time if you give in to that then it will question every institution

Marriage Truth Witty

You don't have to talk about marriage and divorce in same breath as if they come together. This is …You don't have to talk about marriage and divorce in same breath as if they come together. This is a completely American idea

Marriage

Those who think women cannot be leaders are not …Those who think women cannot be leaders are not married.

Marriage Relationship Short One liners

People who want to marry should first have to learn to control their emotions. Two people placed …People who want to marry should first have to learn to control their emotions. Two people placed together in the arena of marriage without this training battle worse than opponents in a World War! Wars, at least, come to an end after a time

Marriage War People

If something happens, something entirely went wrong & no way to fix 2 people and they went apart, …If something happens, something entirely went wrong & no way to fix 2 people and they went apart, that's unfortunate, but why should you ever talk about marriage and divorce in one breath? It's a crime to think on those lines. But if it so happens & they have to separate that will any way inevitably happen. You don't have to plan it at the time of wedding

Marriage Humor People

They say marriages are made in heaven. It is just that some people turn it into …They say marriages are made in heaven. It is just that some people turn it into hell.

Marriage Relationship Short Humor



Love + Funny quotes

Love Quotes
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in …Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.

Love Short Witty Responsibility

If you love something, set it free, but don't be surprised if it comes back with …If you love something, set it free, but don't be surprised if it comes back with herpes.

Love Short

Women are made to be loved, not …Women are made to be loved, not understood.

Love Short Women

Love thy neighbor -- and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much …Love thy neighbor -- and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier.

Love Witty

You cannot rise in love, you cannot stand in love, you cannot fly in love, you have to fall. …You cannot rise in love, you cannot stand in love, you cannot fly in love, you have to fall. Something of you should fall, otherwise it will not work. You will not know it.

Love Philosophy Relationship Witty

To love the person who is next to you is the biggest challenge. To love somebody who is not here is …To love the person who is next to you is the biggest challenge. To love somebody who is not here is always easy

Love Relationship Truth Witty

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty …Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

Love Experience

Suppose you fall in love with somebody, your heart becomes sweet. But for how long? there is no …Suppose you fall in love with somebody, your heart becomes sweet. But for how long? there is no guarantee. It can become extremely bitter, because of a love affair, because of situations or disease or death or loss or simply because of boredom. The person that you thought was most exciting,after a few years you look at them & wonder -'did I do this mistake'

Love Relationship Mistake

There's an enormous possibility on Facebook, you can even love those people who don't even …There's an enormous possibility on Facebook, you can even love those people who don't even exist

Love Short Witty Possibility

You want to be loved because you feel incomplete. Otherwise, being loved can be quite a …You want to be loved because you feel incomplete. Otherwise, being loved can be quite a nuisance

Love Short



All Funny Quotes


While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of …While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

Happiness Money

Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable …Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.

Education Short Ignorance

One of the penalties of refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by …One of the penalties of refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.

Philosophy Politics Truth

Remember to always be yourself. Unless you …Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.

Advice Individuality

The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first …The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.

Happiness Memory

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're …If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're misinformed.

Never wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes …Never wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

Wisdom

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all …Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

Truth Wisdom Mistake

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, …Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Work People

Youth is wasted on the …Youth is wasted on the young.

The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt …The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.

Philosophy World Man

When you're alone, if you feel lonely, obviously you're in bad …When you're alone, if you feel lonely, obviously you're in bad company

Loneliness Witty

In the universities somehow the faces are longer; maybe it's the weight of knowledge or …In the universities somehow the faces are longer; maybe it's the weight of knowledge or something.

Inspirational Short Witty Knowledge

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them …Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Science Humor Sarcasm Light

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the …Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.

Inspirational Humor Society

Actually the smartest thing about most people is their …Actually the smartest thing about most people is their phone

Short People Insult

If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in …If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen.

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried …The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

Sarcasm Intelligence Universe

This is how life is happening for a lot of people. Because of the fear of instability, they sit on …This is how life is happening for a lot of people. Because of the fear of instability, they sit on a bicycle with the stand on. You can pedal, you can get some exercise, but you are not going anywhere.

Courage Success Fear People

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried …Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Courage Short Evil

Friendship is far more tragic than love. It lasts …Friendship is far more tragic than love. It lasts longer.

Friendship Love Short Witty

Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they …Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.

I want to live my life in such a way that when I get out of bed in the morning, the devil says, 'aw …I want to live my life in such a way that when I get out of bed in the morning, the devil says, "aw shit, he's up!"

It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio …It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.

The idea that I can't share my problems with other people makes me not give a shit about their …The idea that I can't share my problems with other people makes me not give a shit about their problems.

Problems Idea People Human nature

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she …I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Book

It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are …It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong.

There is no corruption in India, where is corruption in India? there is only …There is no corruption in India, where is corruption in India? there is only Banditry

Short Sarcasm

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we …My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly …My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Beauty Humor Opinion

Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial …Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.

Acceptance

You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. …You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!

Education Witty

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to …Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Book

Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol, morphine or …Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol, morphine or idealism.

I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club …I sent the club a wire stating, "Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member."

The only man who never makes mistakes is the man who never does …The only man who never makes mistakes is the man who never does anything.

Success Wisdom Mistake

The only thing that interferes with my learning is my …The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.

Education Short Learning

A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong it is until it's in hot …A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong it is until it's in hot water.

Women Simile

I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any …I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it.

Mind Thinking

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he …An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

Man woman

Books serve to show a man that those original thoughts of his aren't very new after …Books serve to show a man that those original thoughts of his aren't very new after all.

Truth Thought Book

Now, now my good man, this is no time to be making enemies. (Voltaire on his deathbed in response …Now, now my good man, this is no time to be making enemies. (Voltaire on his deathbed in response to a priest asking him that he renounce Satan.)

Enemy Character Integrity

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people …Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep

Philosophy Witty

Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every …Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.

Humans

If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do …If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it.

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so …Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

Forgiveness Short Witty Enemy

The planet is fine. The people are …The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

Nature Humor Humanity

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls …The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him …Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.

Freedom

Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is …Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.

Education Witty Knowledge Knowing

There are books of which the backs and covers are by far the best …There are books of which the backs and covers are by far the best parts.

Book

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and …The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

Thinking

If you trust in yourself. . .and believe in your dreams. . .and follow your star. . . you'll still …If you trust in yourself. . .and believe in your dreams. . .and follow your star. . . you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy.

Work

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth …Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never …I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.

Imagination Life Short Fear

I'm single because I was born that …I'm single because I was born that way.

Freedom Witty Choice

Sanity and happiness are an impossible …Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.

Happiness

To err is human - but it feels …To err is human - but it feels divine.

Short Humans

If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall …If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Short Humor

A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need …A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.

Short Advice

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a …If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Failure Short Success Humor

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and …Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Anger Short

The nations of the world talk about peace only when they are at a disadvantage. When they are at an …The nations of the world talk about peace only when they are at a disadvantage. When they are at an advantage, they talk about war and aggression.

Peace Truth War Reality

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad …Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.

Experience Mistake Judgement

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family... in another …Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family... in another city.

Family Happiness

There is too much talk about heaven hell because too many people have made a hell out of …There is too much talk about heaven hell because too many people have made a hell out of themselves

Short Truth People

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving …I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

Short Humor Work

It isn't against the Law to be an …It isn't against the Law to be an idiot.

Short One liners

I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you …I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist

Hate Humor

Fools rush in where angels fear to …Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.

Short Fear

There are few reasons for telling the truth, but for lying the number is …There are few reasons for telling the truth, but for lying the number is infinite.

Truth

Calvin : There's no problem so awful, that you can't add some guilt to it and make it even …Calvin : There's no problem so awful, that you can't add some guilt to it and make it even worse.

Problems

In politics, stupidity is not a …In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.

Politics Short

You can only hold a smile for so long, after that it's just …You can only hold a smile for so long, after that it's just teeth.

Short Smile

Five percent of the people think; ten percent of the people think they think; and the other …Five percent of the people think; ten percent of the people think they think; and the other eighty-five percent would rather die than think.

Thinking People

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of …A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Short Understanding

Stupidity isn't punishable by death. If it was, there would be a hell of a population …Stupidity isn't punishable by death. If it was, there would be a hell of a population drop.

There is nothing so pitiful as a young cynic because he has gone from knowing nothing to believing …There is nothing so pitiful as a young cynic because he has gone from knowing nothing to believing nothing.

Knowing Life lessons

Hell is empty and all the devils are …Hell is empty and all the devils are here.

Short Humans

If you're lonely when you're alone, you're in bad …If you're lonely when you're alone, you're in bad company.

Loneliness Humor

The first sign of psychological imbalance is you start thinking, 'Nobody is …The first sign of psychological imbalance is you start thinking, 'Nobody is okay.'

Short Truth Thinking

Smartness is in knowing our …Smartness is in knowing our foolishness

Short Witty One liners Knowing

I don't see any criminals. All I see is, every human being is in pursuit of his happiness. The man …I don't see any criminals. All I see is, every human being is in pursuit of his happiness. The man whom you call as a criminal is also in pursuit of his happiness. Only thing is he is pursuing his happiness far more vigorously than you

Happiness

If you decorate your problem, you may not want to get rid of …If you decorate your problem, you may not want to get rid of it.

Short Problems

The whole world is busy trying to teach everybody something that has not worked in their …The whole world is busy trying to teach everybody something that has not worked in their lives.

Short World Humans

People who claim that they are good people, usually they are …People who claim that they are good people, usually they are boring.

Short

The lawyer with the briefcase can steal more money than the man with the …The lawyer with the briefcase can steal more money than the man with the gun.

Short Money

A man who has never gone to school may steal a freight car; but if he has a university education, …A man who has never gone to school may steal a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad.

Education

Loosen up a bit - laugh more, get involved with people around you, do simple things. If you only do …Loosen up a bit - laugh more, get involved with people around you, do simple things. If you only do very important things, you will become dead serious

Truth Witty Wisdom People

Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper …Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.

Relationship Humor Women

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you …If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Failure Short Success Witty

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of …Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.

Imagination Life Short Witty

Usually I'm remarkably good natured. Try me on a day that doesn't end in …Usually I'm remarkably good natured. Try me on a day that doesn't end in y.

Nature Short Personality

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be …Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.

Short People

More conflict is happening within the four walls of the homes than is happening anywhere on the …More conflict is happening within the four walls of the homes than is happening anywhere on the planet. Only thing is bombs are not exploding so you don't hear it. They may be giving each other silent treatment.

Family Relationship Witty

If your mind took instructions from you, would you keep it stressful or blissful? Blissful. For …If your mind took instructions from you, would you keep it stressful or blissful? Blissful. For yourself definitely it's blissfulness. What you want for your neighbor may be debatable but what you want for yourself is definitely highest level of pleasantness

Mind

From poverty to affluence is a hard journey. After making this hard journey, if we cannot live well …From poverty to affluence is a hard journey. After making this hard journey, if we cannot live well and instead suffer our affluence, it is a tragedy. We might as well have suffered our poverty - at least it would have been eco-friendly

Perspective

Religion is the arrogance of assuming things that you do not …Religion is the arrogance of assuming things that you do not know.

Religion Short One liners

Because you have made a mess out of your adulthood, you are aspiring for your childhood, I think …Because you have made a mess out of your adulthood, you are aspiring for your childhood, I think adulthood is great

Truth

If there's one thing I've learned over the eons, it's that you can't give up on your family, no …If there's one thing I've learned over the eons, it's that you can't give up on your family, no matter how tempting they make it.

Family

A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others …A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?

Short Question

Right or wrong, it's very pleasant to break something from time to …Right or wrong, it's very pleasant to break something from time to time.

Every man I meet wants to protect me. I can't figure out what …Every man I meet wants to protect me. I can't figure out what from.

Relationship Short Women Men

The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but …The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers.

Literature

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of …I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

Short Witty Insult

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love …A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.

Happiness Short Witty Women

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do …Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. …When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

It's funny, isn't it? When you are young you just want to be old, and then later you wish you could …It's funny, isn't it? When you are young you just want to be old, and then later you wish you could go back to being a kid.

Human nature

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an …He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Insult

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of …I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Short Humor Insult

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for …A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.

Hate

Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as …Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.

Short Action

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as …Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

Perspective

Humor is reason gone …Humor is reason gone mad.

Short Humor

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a …I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

If at first the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for …If at first the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it.

Hope Short Idea

I am not questioning your honor, I am denying its …I am not questioning your honor, I am denying its existence.

Short

Hysteria is impossible without an audience. Panicking by yourself is the same as laughing alone in …Hysteria is impossible without an audience. Panicking by yourself is the same as laughing alone in an empty room. You feel really silly.

There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them …There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up.

Human nature

It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically …It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to.

In truth,there was only one christian and he died on the …In truth,there was only one christian and he died on the cross.

Religion Short Truth Human nature

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe …That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Belief Humor

You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood. What mood is …You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood. What mood is that? Last-minute panic.

Eighty percent of success is showing …Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Inspirational Short Success

Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to …Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.

Short

A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to …A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.

Mistake People

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than …Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Short

Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an …Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist.

Short

The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I …The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

Acceptance

Fighting for peace, is like f***ing for …Fighting for peace, is like f***ing for chastity

War Analogy

I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as …I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely …Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.

Inspirational Humor

In heaven, all the interesting people are …In heaven, all the interesting people are missing.

Religion Short People

I've been on a calendar, but never on …I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Short

I'm a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me …I'm a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy.

Happiness People

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't …Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Inspirational Short Mind

Sun came up on time today morning. None of the planets in this solar system collided today. In the …Sun came up on time today morning. None of the planets in this solar system collided today. In the whole universe no accidents, in this endless cosmos no accidents, everything going great but you have one nasty little thought crawling in your head and it's a bad day, you've completely lost perception with life

Wisdom Humor Perspective Perception

It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances. The true mystery of the world is the …It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances. The true mystery of the world is the visible, not the invisible

People

There are only two kinds of people in the world, mystics and mistakes. If your perception has made …There are only two kinds of people in the world, mystics and mistakes. If your perception has made a mistake you're a mistake. If your perception has gone beyond the mistakes and beginning to see life just the way it is then you are a mystic

Mistake Perception Spirituality

People are so skillful in their …People are so skillful in their ignorance

Short Ignorance People

You have entangled yourself in such a way, even if the most significant things happen you can't …You have entangled yourself in such a way, even if the most significant things happen you can't change the direction of your life, If the greatest things came your way, you cannot change the direction of your life. This is a slave's life

Change Life

Is there anybody who is not a philosopher? everybody has a philosophy for whatever they're doing, …Is there anybody who is not a philosopher? everybody has a philosophy for whatever they're doing, just go to the drunkard on the street & ask him 'why are you drinking like this?' he has a solid philosophy as to why he's drinking, you stop a thief & ask him 'why are you a thief?' he's got a solid philosophy as to why he's a thief.

Philosophy Being human

we have to be alive to it every moment and as the context changes, what we do has to change. …we have to be alive to it every moment and as the context changes, what we do has to change. Morality and mortality are not very different.

Change Life Philosophy Wisdom

You don't like faces, but you like the …You don't like faces, but you like the Facebook

Short Sarcasm

Why do gurus shave their beards? Beard does not grow on just Gurus, it grows on all men, But they …Why do gurus shave their beards? Beard does not grow on just Gurus, it grows on all men, But they are all doing all kinds of funny things with it - you must ask them why are they shaving it.

Men

what is my mission? Do you want to bring peace to the world? I just want to live in better …what is my mission? Do you want to bring peace to the world? I just want to live in better company

Peace Short World

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot …Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Education Simile

Ten years ago if somebody was walking on the street talking you would know that he's lost it, but …Ten years ago if somebody was walking on the street talking you would know that he's lost it, but today you don't know. Whether they got their head phones on or they just lost it and they're talking, we cannot make out

Do you know what it takes to remain uneducated? Education is just twenty years of going somewhere …Do you know what it takes to remain uneducated? Education is just twenty years of going somewhere and getting one certificate. To remain uneducated, it's very difficult because from the day you're born, your parents, every other adult, the school - everybody is trying to educate you about something that's not worked in their life

Education Witty Sarcasm

No good deed goes …No good deed goes unpunished.

Short Witty Humor Kindness

These righteous people are always trouble. Once you have a strong set of morals, you will see …These righteous people are always trouble. Once you have a strong set of morals, you will see nobody in the world is alright. If nobody in the world is okay, you have a psychological problem.

Problems World

So morality is just that, it's the first step towards insanity. You just have to stretch it; if you …So morality is just that, it's the first step towards insanity. You just have to stretch it; if you stretch it, you will go there (insanity)

Morality Being human Humanity

'For a while' is a phrase whose length can't be measured. At least by the person who's …"For a while" is a phrase whose length can't be measured. At least by the person who's waiting.

Time

Today in the United States, Yoga means you must look like a leftover …Today in the United States, Yoga means you must look like a leftover noodle

Short Yoga

If human beings disappeared from the planet, the world would be very peaceful. If you don't create …If human beings disappeared from the planet, the world would be very peaceful. If you don't create conflict, there is peace.

Peace Being human World

Ancient societies always saw disease as something wrong. But modern societies are treating disease …Ancient societies always saw disease as something wrong. But modern societies are treating disease as normal.

Perspective Society Health

I hate people who are not serious about meals. It is so shallow of …I hate people who are not serious about meals. It is so shallow of them.

Hate Food People

Do you know that you will also die? (I'm asking) because most people believe that other people die. …Do you know that you will also die? (I'm asking) because most people believe that other people die. Intellectually they know, but they think they are forever.

Acceptance People

Why would you smoke? Your body is not that kind of machine which smokes. These days we are even …Why would you smoke? Your body is not that kind of machine which smokes. These days we are even working hard to design automobiles that don't smoke

Health Body

Confused people are better than people who have drawn wrong conclusions, because people who have …Confused people are better than people who have drawn wrong conclusions, because people who have drawn wrong conclusions go at it with full gusto. Confused people hesitate to fight.

People

If you wish to forget anything on the spot, make a note that this thing is to be …If you wish to forget anything on the spot, make a note that this thing is to be remembered.

Memory

Someone else's belief system looks absolutely ridiculous to you, but they are laughing at your …Someone else's belief system looks absolutely ridiculous to you, but they are laughing at your belief system too.

Religion Short Belief One liners

The scale of violence that can happen today has happened because the best brains in the world have …The scale of violence that can happen today has happened because the best brains in the world have cooperated with this, The best brains in the world have worked to create the most violent ways to kill humanity. If the intelligent in the world had not cooperated, the violent man would kill one or two, with a stick or a stone or something

A criminal is also concerned about human well-being, but his idea of humanity is just himself. …A criminal is also concerned about human well-being, but his idea of humanity is just himself. Somebody's idea of humanity is him and his family; somebody else's idea of humanity is him and his country; somebody else's includes the whole world. Everybody is concerned about human well-being in different proportions.

Short Humanity Inclusiveness Idea

[About Religious Clashes] Religion should have made people Divine, but it is not even making them …[About Religious Clashes] Religion should have made people Divine, but it is not even making them human.

Religion Short Humanity

The heavens that people have imagined are such lousy places that I would never want to go …The heavens that people have imagined are such lousy places that I would never want to go there.

Short

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income …The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.

Money Understanding

The family is an example of how you can turn anything that is created for your wellbeing into a …The family is an example of how you can turn anything that is created for your wellbeing into a disadvantage.

Family

I'm a misunderstood genius.' 'What's misunderstood?' 'Nobody thinks I'm a …I'm a misunderstood genius." "What's misunderstood?" "Nobody thinks I'm a genius."

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us …I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Politics Religion

The whole art of being a Guru is just this: to constantly puncture people's ego and still manage to …The whole art of being a Guru is just this: to constantly puncture people's ego and still manage to remain their friend.

Friends Spirituality People

When heaven-sellers lose the market, the drug-sellers will gain. In this cusp, making Humanity …When heaven-sellers lose the market, the drug-sellers will gain. In this cusp, making Humanity Conscious enough to experience nameless ecstasies of one's interiority is the challenge of our times

Religion Truth Witty Self realization

When people are alone, they become spiritual. When in company, they become …When people are alone, they become spiritual. When in company, they become religious

Politics Religion Short Spirituality

An intelligent person knows that he is a fool but a fool does not know that he is a …An intelligent person knows that he is a fool but a fool does not know that he is a fool

Philosophy Short Truth Intelligence

In marriages, there are divergent expectations. The woman expects the man to change. The man …In marriages, there are divergent expectations. The woman expects the man to change. The man expects the woman to never change

Change Marriage Relationship Expectation

There are no good people and bad people. Everyone is oscillating between the two. But for sure …There are no good people and bad people. Everyone is oscillating between the two. But for sure there are the Intelligent and the Idiotic.

Intelligence People

Sex is an emotion in …Sex is an emotion in motion.

Ignorance has no gender, race or religion. Absolutely …Ignorance has no gender, race or religion. Absolutely secular

Religion Short Ignorance

You can be happier than a millionaire— in fact, if you knew the troubles of millionaires, you …You can be happier than a millionaire— in fact, if you knew the troubles of millionaires, you wouldn't want to be one.

Using yoga just as a therapy is like using an airplane as a …Using yoga just as a therapy is like using an airplane as a bus

Short Witty Humor Analogy

People suffer what happened ten years ago, and they suffer what may happen the day after tomorrow …People suffer what happened ten years ago, and they suffer what may happen the day after tomorrow already.

Imagination Fear Suffering

Whenever things don't happen the way you want them to happen, there is a temptation to think and …Whenever things don't happen the way you want them to happen, there is a temptation to think and name it as destiny, because this is a way of dealing with failure, this is not destiny, just cheap psychiatry

Failure Expectation

Nature has evolved us to a higher level of intelligence and awareness, but we are refusing to …Nature has evolved us to a higher level of intelligence and awareness, but we are refusing to accept the promotion

Nature Humanity Intelligence

Parenthood is a very funny thing. You're trying to do something that nobody has ever known how to …Parenthood is a very funny thing. You're trying to do something that nobody has ever known how to do well

Children

How many varieties of suffering human beings have invented for themselves is absolutely incredible. …How many varieties of suffering human beings have invented for themselves is absolutely incredible. Actually you could find employment in hell, because if you are so good at torturing yourself, you could be very good at torturing other people.

Suffering

When everybody's striving to live joyfully, if you are walking on the street infecting people with …When everybody's striving to live joyfully, if you are walking on the street infecting people with misery with a miserable face it must be on the penal code, You are working against humanity. If you walk on the street with a miserable face you are actually sabotaging the fundamental aspiration of human beings

Humanity Joy

How is it possible to have a 'civil' …How is it possible to have a 'civil' 'war'?

War Humor

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't …I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Short Witty Humor

I just imagine all the other runners are big spiders, and then I get super …I just imagine all the other runners are big spiders, and then I get super scared.

Imagination Humor

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see …Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

Science Humor

If I can't be beautiful, I want to be …If I can't be beautiful, I want to be invisible.

Beauty Short

You've got about as much charm as a dead …You've got about as much charm as a dead slug.

Short Insult

I felt like an animal, and animals don't know sin, do …I felt like an animal, and animals don't know sin, do they?

Short Humor Honesty

What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat …What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes.

Know the rules well, so you can break them …Know the rules well, so you can break them effectively.

Short Humor

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a …I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe …When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.

Politics Belief Sarcasm

Real gangster-ass Nerdfighters don't run from nothing... 'cause real gangster-ass Nerdfighters …Real gangster-ass Nerdfighters don't run from nothing... 'cause real gangster-ass Nerdfighters can't run fast.

You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a …You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?'

Attitude

They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more …They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.

Short Insult

Books are a poor substitute for female companionship, but they are easier to …Books are a poor substitute for female companionship, but they are easier to find.

Relationship Women Book

I am invariably late for appointments - sometimes as much as two hours. I've tried to change my …I am invariably late for appointments - sometimes as much as two hours. I've tried to change my ways but the things that make me late are too strong, and too pleasing.

Change

I discover myself on the verge of a usual …I discover myself on the verge of a usual mistake.

Poetry Short Mistake

What about a compromise? I'll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I'll …What about a compromise? I'll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I'll apologize.

When angry, count four. When very angry, …When angry, count four. When very angry, swear.

Anger Short

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow …Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.

Man woman

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is …I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."

If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do …If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they're happy.

Writing

Puns are the highest form of …Puns are the highest form of literature.

Short Humor Literature

If you want to be successful, surround yourself with people who are more successful than you are, …If you want to be successful, surround yourself with people who are more successful than you are, but if you want to be happy, surround yourself with people who are less successful than you are.

Happiness Success Humor People

'The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord.' 'Well, of course, it is. It has to deal with …"The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord." "Well, of course, it is. It has to deal with the male one."

Man woman

Unfortunately, if you utter the word Yoga, people think you have to be in some impossible posture, …Unfortunately, if you utter the word Yoga, people think you have to be in some impossible posture, Yoga is not about postures, it is just a minuscule aspect of it, Yoga means in your experience everything has become one. The Word Yoga means Union

Experience Yoga

People are capable of suffering just about anything in the world, If you're not educated, you will …People are capable of suffering just about anything in the world, If you're not educated, you will suffer that. If you get educated, you suffer that. If you don't find a job, you'll suffer that. If you find a job, you suffer that. If you're not married, you'll suffer that. If you get married, you suffer that. If you don't have children, you suffer that..

Perspective Mind Suffering

I try not to think. It interferes with being …I try not to think. It interferes with being nuts

Thinking

People whom you consider corrupt, when I really looked through them, I see their reasoning. They …People whom you consider corrupt, when I really looked through them, I see their reasoning. They don't think they're corrupt. they just say everybody would do the same thing. 'I got the opportunity, they don't have the opportunity. So they are only complaining that they don't have the opportunity'.

Truth

When you identify yourself with an ideology or a belief system; slowly your brain is turning into a …When you identify yourself with an ideology or a belief system; slowly your brain is turning into a concrete block. Calcification is happening, that's why we call you a bonehead; How efficiently it happens depends on the efficiency of the preacher or the teacher. If he is very efficient, you will be a solid block where nothing goes in, nothing goes out

Religion Belief

For those of you in the cheap seats I'd like ya to clap your hands to this one; the rest of you can …For those of you in the cheap seats I'd like ya to clap your hands to this one; the rest of you can just rattle your jewelry!

Music

Our Parents (generations) also wore torn clothes, but out of compulsion, now (youth) by …Our Parents (generations) also wore torn clothes, but out of compulsion, now (youth) by choice

Short Choice

We have a phenomenal ability to goof up things because we are too much genius with very little …We have a phenomenal ability to goof up things because we are too much genius with very little organization.

Philosophers are usually out-of-work men - not many women philosophers, isn't it? Out-of-work men …Philosophers are usually out-of-work men - not many women philosophers, isn't it? Out-of-work men have an explanation as to why they're out of work, so they keep churning up philosophies.

Short Humor One liners Man woman

Hell & Heaven are not geographical places, Hell & Heaven are what you make out of yourself. There …Hell & Heaven are not geographical places, Hell & Heaven are what you make out of yourself. There is too much talk of heaven because too many people have made Hell out of themselves

Wisdom

Not that smart. Not that hot. Not that nice. Not that funny. That's me: I'm not …Not that smart. Not that hot. Not that nice. Not that funny. That's me: I'm not that.

Short Humor

Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky …Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky sink.

Short Romance

There are all kinds of idiots on the planet, but the so-called religious and spiritual idiots take …There are all kinds of idiots on the planet, but the so-called religious and spiritual idiots take the cake anywhere in the world.

Religion Spirituality

Don't interrupt me while I'm …Don't interrupt me while I'm interrupting.

Short

Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the …Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat.

Freedom Man

If more government is the answer, then it was a really stupid …If more government is the answer, then it was a really stupid question.

Politics Short Humor Question

A lot of people believe Yoga started in California, I met someone who seriously believed it was …A lot of people believe Yoga started in California, I met someone who seriously believed it was Madonna who started Yoga

Short Yoga

Today's temples, many of them are built like shopping complexes, probably for the same …Today's temples, many of them are built like shopping complexes, probably for the same purpose

Short

Time is a very relative experience in individual subjective experiences; if you are joyful if you …Time is a very relative experience in individual subjective experiences; if you are joyful if you live 100 years it feels like a few moments, it is gone; only miserable people will have a long life.

Life Time Experience Moment

So whatever can be done with ease, if you do it with great difficulty, that means you are a …So whatever can be done with ease, if you do it with great difficulty, that means you are a fool

Short

She's strong! And scary... I bet she's single... I'd put money on …She's strong! And scary... I bet she's single... I'd put money on it

Short Women

You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an …You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic.

Writing

People who are moralistic are always looking archaic for the new generation of people, They wonder …People who are moralistic are always looking archaic for the new generation of people, They wonder why these people are still alive. Because you look like you are from somewhere else.

Morality

You go into your schoolhouse & tell them A+B=Z.. children will crawl under the table and disappear, …You go into your schoolhouse & tell them A+B=Z.. children will crawl under the table and disappear, well if earth is soft they will dig a tunnel and go away, that is why they fixed concrete floors, but you tell them a story they will burrow themselves from their homes and come and pop up and sit here

Education Children

Wrong sense of intelligence has entered people's minds, they think if they make a problem out of …Wrong sense of intelligence has entered people's minds, they think if they make a problem out of every solution they're intelligent, no no, if you find solutions for every problem- that is intelligence

Problems Mind Sarcasm Intelligence

There is a negative connotation to gossip, but forever, nobody believed the official version. They …There is a negative connotation to gossip, but forever, nobody believed the official version. They always checked their own sources; it has always been a reliable form of communication; but today with all this technology, gossip has gone global

You're not awake until you're actually out of bed and standing …You're not awake until you're actually out of bed and standing up.

As long as there was coffee in the world, how bad could things …As long as there was coffee in the world, how bad could things be?

Short

I'm placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don't know, possibly …I'm placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don't know, possibly littering.

Here's some advice. Stay …Here's some advice. Stay alive.

Advice

The funny thing about writing is that whether you're doing well or doing it poorly, it looks the …The funny thing about writing is that whether you're doing well or doing it poorly, it looks the exact same. That's actually one of the main ways that writing is different from ballet dancing.

Writing

You and your name-dropping. 'I knew Michael'. 'I knew Sammael'. 'The angel Gabriel did my hair'. …You and your name-dropping. 'I knew Michael'. 'I knew Sammael'. 'The angel Gabriel did my hair'. It's like I'm with the Band with biblical figures.

'Is that a stake, Bones, or are you just happy with my new dress?' 'In this case, it's a stake. You …"Is that a stake, Bones, or are you just happy with my new dress?" "In this case, it's a stake. You could always feel around for something more, though. See what comes up."

She didn't care that people called her a bitch. 'It's just another word for feminist,' she told me …She didn't care that people called her a bitch. 'It's just another word for feminist,' she told me with pride.

If there were an international butt competition, Eric would win, hands down-or cheeks …If there were an international butt competition, Eric would win, hands down-or cheeks up.

Don't bother her, don't try to talk to her, don't even look at her, or I'll fold you in half so …Don't bother her, don't try to talk to her, don't even look at her, or I'll fold you in half so many times you'll look like a tiny little origami werewolf.

Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's …Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks.

Short

Some people are like Slinkies. They aren't really good for anything, but they still bring a smile …Some people are like Slinkies. They aren't really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to my face when I push them down a flight of stairs.

Simile

IF WE DIE FOR THEM, I'LL KILL YOU, …IF WE DIE FOR THEM, I'LL KILL YOU, HARRY!

'Be careful, though.' 'Aren't I always?' 'No, I think the word for how you usually are is …"Be careful, though." "Aren't I always?" "No, I think the word for how you usually are is 'reckless."

'Your mail could've waited.' Daemon followed me into the kitchen. 'What is it? Just books?' …"Your mail could've waited." Daemon followed me into the kitchen. "What is it? Just books?" Grabbing the OJ from the fridge, I sighed. People who didn't heart books didn't understand.

Book