Humor quotes

War does not determine who is right - only who is …War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

War

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of …Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

Witty

Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding …Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something

Short

Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of …Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.

Life Short Wisdom Experience

Lies require …Lies require commitment.

Truth

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the …Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.

Funny Inspirational

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you …If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Short Witty

If you can't explain it to a six year old, you don't understand it …If you can't explain it to a six year old, you don't understand it yourself.

Short Witty Knowledge Understanding

A goal without a plan is just a …A goal without a plan is just a wish.

Inspirational Short

Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the …Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.

Truth Witty Humans

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust …The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.

Short Truth Trust

Never memorize something that you can look …Never memorize something that you can look up.

Short Science Wisdom Knowledge






Short + Humor quotes

Short Quotes
I can resist anything except …I can resist anything except temptation.

Short Witty

The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is …The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter.

Short Laughter

Peeing is like a good book in that it is very, very hard to stop once you …Peeing is like a good book in that it is very, very hard to stop once you start.

Short Book Reading Simile

When we don't know who to hate, we hate …When we don't know who to hate, we hate ourselves.

Short

'Classic' - a book which people praise and don't …'Classic' - a book which people praise and don't read.

Short Witty Book People

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six …Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

Short Witty

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on …Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Short Witty People Humans

I like men who have a future and women who have a …I like men who have a future and women who have a past.

Short

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here …Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

Short Witty World

I never put off till tomorrow what I can possibly do - the day …I never put off till tomorrow what I can possibly do - the day after.

Short

Humor is almost always anger with its make-up …Humor is almost always anger with its make-up on.

Short

If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from …If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself.

Short Secret

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every …People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

Short

Half of seeming clever is keeping your mouth shut at the right …Half of seeming clever is keeping your mouth shut at the right times.

Short Wisdom Silence

The more I learn about people, the more I like my …The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.

Short People

A mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work if it is not …A mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work if it is not open.

Short Witty Mind Simile

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why …Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Short

Always laugh when you can, it is cheap …Always laugh when you can, it is cheap medicine.

Short Laughter

There are three types of lies -- lies, damn lies, and …There are three types of lies -- lies, damn lies, and statistics.

Short Truth

On the highest throne in the world, we still sit only on our own …On the highest throne in the world, we still sit only on our own bottom.

Short Truth

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go …Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

Short

I don't do what I'm told, but I might do what you want if you ask me …I don't do what I'm told, but I might do what you want if you ask me nicely.

Short

I know how devastated you must be to miss me, but leave a message, and I'll try to ease your …I know how devastated you must be to miss me, but leave a message, and I'll try to ease your agony

Short

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir... mighty …What would men be without women? Scarce, sir... mighty scarce.

Short



Funny + Humor quotes

Funny Quotes
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the …A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Funny

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster …Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Funny Perspective

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them …Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Funny Science Light People

I am not young enough to know …I am not young enough to know everything.

Funny Short Witty

The planet is fine. The people are …The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

Funny Nature Humanity

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful …I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

Funny

Never miss a good chance to shut …Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Funny Silence Advice

If you see a man opening a car door for a woman, it means one of two things: it's either a new …If you see a man opening a car door for a woman, it means one of two things: it's either a new woman or a new car!

Funny

A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad …A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.

Funny Memory

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of …I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Funny Short Insult

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe …That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Funny Belief

Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely …Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.

Funny Inspirational

Humor is reason gone …Humor is reason gone mad.

Funny Short

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a …Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Funny Witty Women

Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without …Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing.

Funny Witty Laughter

I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you …I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist

Funny

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving …I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

Funny Short Work

If you're lonely when you're alone, you're in bad …If you're lonely when you're alone, you're in bad company.

Funny Loneliness

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a …I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

Funny

Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper …Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.

Funny Relationship Women

Not that smart. Not that hot. Not that nice. Not that funny. That's me: I'm not …Not that smart. Not that hot. Not that nice. Not that funny. That's me: I'm not that.

Funny Short

How is it possible to have a 'civil' …How is it possible to have a 'civil' 'war'?

Funny War

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for …Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

Funny

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the …When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

Funny Life Short



Life + Humor quotes

Life Quotes
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is …All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.

Life Short Success Ignorance

Live simply so others may simply …Live simply so others may simply live.

Life Witty

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is …You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

Life Wisdom

That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get …That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.

Life Positive Attitude Perseverance

Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to …Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.

Life

The best of us must sometimes eat our …The best of us must sometimes eat our words.

Life Short Mistake

I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually …I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

Life Short Fear Reality

Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of …Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.

Life Wisdom Perspective

Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than …Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.

Life

One of the few good things about modern times: If you die horribly on television, you will not have …One of the few good things about modern times: If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us.

Life Philosophy

We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we …We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are.

Life Truth

You live but once; you might as well be …You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Life Short Perspective

Calvin: Life's a lot more fun when you aren't responsible for your …Calvin: Life's a lot more fun when you aren't responsible for your actions.

Life Short Truth Action

Of course motivation is not permanent. But then, neither is bathing; but it is something you should …Of course motivation is not permanent. But then, neither is bathing; but it is something you should do on a regular basis.

Life Habit

If you're a bird, be an early bird, and catch the worm for your breakfast plate... But if you're a …If you're a bird, be an early bird, and catch the worm for your breakfast plate... But if you're a worm, sleep late.

Life

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it …The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Life Honesty

Life is like a confused teacher...first she gives the test and then teaches the …Life is like a confused teacher...first she gives the test and then teaches the lesson

Life Life lessons

Some people have lives; some people have …Some people have lives; some people have music.

Life Music Short People

Life is a journey. Time is a river. The door is …Life is a journey. Time is a river. The door is ajar

Life Short

Don't take life too seriously. Punch it in the face when it needs a good hit. Laugh at …Don't take life too seriously. Punch it in the face when it needs a good hit. Laugh at it.

Life

Some of the worst mistakes in my life were …Some of the worst mistakes in my life were haircuts

Life Short Mistake



Witty + Humor quotes

Witty Quotes
I may not agree with you, but I will defend to the death your right to make an ass of …I may not agree with you, but I will defend to the death your right to make an ass of yourself.

Witty

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room …I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Witty Book Reading

Diplomacy is the art of telling people to go to hell in such a way that they ask for …Diplomacy is the art of telling people to go to hell in such a way that they ask for directions.

Witty Art People

I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to …I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.

Witty Advice

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the …I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

Witty

A woman, especially if she have the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as …A woman, especially if she have the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.

Witty Women Knowledge

Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster …Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.

Witty Thought

If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ …If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf.

Witty

Work is the curse of the drinking …Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

Witty

Women like a man with a past, but they prefer a man with a …Women like a man with a past, but they prefer a man with a present.

Witty Women

Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about …Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.

Witty

Yes: I am a dreamer. For a dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his …Yes: I am a dreamer. For a dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.

Witty

Alec: 'How do you manage never to get mud on your clothes?', Isabelle: 'I'm pure at heart. It …Alec: "How do you manage never to get mud on your clothes?", Isabelle: "I'm pure at heart. It repels the dirt."

Witty

Now, the trouble about trying to make yourself stupider than you really are is that you very often …Now, the trouble about trying to make yourself stupider than you really are is that you very often succeed.

Witty

Shortcuts make long …Shortcuts make long delays.

Witty Life lessons

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't …I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.

Witty Knowledge

There's never enough time to do all the nothing you …There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.

Witty



Philosophy + Humor quotes

Philosophy Quotes
Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say …Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something.

Philosophy

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people we personally …Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people we personally dislike.

Philosophy

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be …I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Philosophy

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the …Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Philosophy Short

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly …Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.

Philosophy Time

Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and …Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them

Philosophy Children

Know thyself? If I knew myself, I'd run …Know thyself? If I knew myself, I'd run away.

Philosophy

The trouble is you can shut your eyes but you can't shut your …The trouble is you can shut your eyes but you can't shut your mind.

Philosophy Short Mind

A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of …A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.

Philosophy

Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for …Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun.

Philosophy Religion Short Suffering

There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who believe there are two kinds of people in …There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who believe there are two kinds of people in this world and those who are smart enough to know better.

Philosophy People

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for …It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Philosophy

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed …If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Philosophy Perspective Universe

Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is …Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.

Philosophy Wisdom

I think I am, therefore, I am... I …I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

Philosophy

Doing nothing is better than being busy doing …Doing nothing is better than being busy doing nothing.

Philosophy Short



God + Humor quotes

God Quotes
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your …If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

God Life Short

All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be …All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.

God Life Short

I would believe only in a God that knows how to …I would believe only in a God that knows how to dance.

God Philosophy Short

I would like to see anyone, prophet, king or God, convince a thousand cats to do the same thing at …I would like to see anyone, prophet, king or God, convince a thousand cats to do the same thing at the same time.

God

God is silent. Now if only man would shut …God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

God Short Silence

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it …If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

God People

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss …If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.

God

In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school …In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.

God

If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be one nation gone …If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be one nation gone under.

God Politics

A baby is God's opinion that the world should go …A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.

God Hope Short Perspective

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee And I'll forgive Thy great big one on …Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.

God Poetry Religion

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his …I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

God Short

God's Final Message to His Creation: 'We apologize for the …God's Final Message to His Creation: 'We apologize for the inconvenience.'

God Short

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: Oh Lord, make my enemies ridiculous. And …I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: Oh Lord, make my enemies ridiculous. And God granted it

God

We are all atheists about most of the gods that humanity has ever believed in. Some of us just go …We are all atheists about most of the gods that humanity has ever believed in. Some of us just go one god further.

God Philosophy Religion Belief



Death + Humor quotes

Death Quotes
Delaying death is one of my favorite …Delaying death is one of my favorite hobbies

Death Short

Many people die at twenty five and aren't buried until they are seventy …Many people die at twenty five and aren't buried until they are seventy five.

Death Life Witty

Life isn't fair, it's just fairer than death, that's …Life isn't fair, it's just fairer than death, that's all.

Death Inspirational Life Short

I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had …I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.

Death Fear Suffering

It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called …It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.

Death Life

I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it …I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Death Life Short Fear

If you live each day as it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be …If you live each day as it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right

Death Life

Y'all smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to …Y'all smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to die.

Death Short

Would it hurt to …Would it hurt to die?

Death Short Question Hurt

It kills me sometimes, how people …It kills me sometimes, how people die.

Death Short People

It's easy to cry when you realize that everyone you love will reject you or …It's easy to cry when you realize that everyone you love will reject you or die.

Death Love

No one is actually dead until the ripples they cause in the world die …No one is actually dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away...

Death Memory

I am sick to death of cleverness. Everybody is clever …I am sick to death of cleverness. Everybody is clever nowadays.

Death Short People

Death: 'There are better things in the world than alcohol, Albert.' Albert: 'Oh, yes, sir. But …Death: "There are better things in the world than alcohol, Albert." Albert: "Oh, yes, sir. But alcohol sort of compensates for not getting them.

Death

Death should take me while I am in the …Death should take me while I am in the mood.

Death Short



Love + Humor quotes

Love Quotes
There is not enough love and goodness in the world to permit giving any of it away to imaginary …There is not enough love and goodness in the world to permit giving any of it away to imaginary beings.

Love Religion

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious …I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

Love Religion

Man may have discovered fire, but women discovered how to play with …Man may have discovered fire, but women discovered how to play with it.

Love Relationship Short

Everyone's a little crazy. Some people just hide it better than …Everyone's a little crazy. Some people just hide it better than others.

Love Short Romance

You can never be wise and be in love at the same …You can never be wise and be in love at the same time.

Love Short

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong …To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.

Love Short Witty Romance

Remember, we're madly in love, so it's all right to kiss me anytime you feel like …Remember, we're madly in love, so it's all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.

Love Romantic Short

One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined …One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well.

Love

The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his …The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends.

Love Friends Knowledge Enemy

I loved you like a man loves a woman he never touches, only writes to, keeps little photographs …I loved you like a man loves a woman he never touches, only writes to, keeps little photographs of.

Love Man

Love is like a brick. You can build a house, or you can sink a dead …Love is like a brick. You can build a house, or you can sink a dead body.

Love

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't …All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.

Love Short

Neither 'love' nor 'evil' conquers all, but 'Evil' cheats …Neither 'love' nor 'evil' conquers all, but 'Evil' cheats more.

Love Short Evil

I love mankind ... it's people I can't …I love mankind ... it's people I can't stand!!

Love Short People

Like some wines our love could neither mature nor …Like some wines our love could neither mature nor travel.

Love Romance Simile



Truth + Humor quotes

Truth Quotes
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main …Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Truth Women

To the man who only has a hammer, everything he encounters begins to look like a …To the man who only has a hammer, everything he encounters begins to look like a nail.

Truth Perspective Man

It is perfectly monstrous... the way people go about nowadays, saying things against one behind …It is perfectly monstrous... the way people go about nowadays, saying things against one behind one's back, that are absolutely and entirely true.

Truth People

All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room …All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone.

Truth Problems Humanity

A man's true character comes out when he's …A man's true character comes out when he's drunk.

Truth Character People

A man who trusts everyone is a fool and a man who trusts no one is a fool. We are all fools if we …A man who trusts everyone is a fool and a man who trusts no one is a fool. We are all fools if we live long enough.

Truth Trust

Never trust a mechanic who drives new cars. They're either charging too much money for their work, …Never trust a mechanic who drives new cars. They're either charging too much money for their work, or they can't keep an old car running - maybe both.

Truth

No one believes a liar. Even when she's telling the …No one believes a liar. Even when she's telling the truth.

Truth Belief

On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to …On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.

Truth



People + Humor quotes

People Quotes
The only reason why we ask other people how their weekend was is so we can tell them about our own …The only reason why we ask other people how their weekend was is so we can tell them about our own weekend.

People Humans

The intelligence of that creature known as a crowd is the square root of the number of people in …The intelligence of that creature known as a crowd is the square root of the number of people in it.

People Insult

I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them …I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.

People

I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything …I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.

People

'Do you hate people?” “I don't hate them...I just feel better when they're not …"Do you hate people?” “I don't hate them...I just feel better when they're not around."

People

People have to talk about something just to keep their voice boxes in working order so they'll have …People have to talk about something just to keep their voice boxes in working order so they'll have good voice boxes in case there's ever anything really meaningful to say.

People

I may not be a role model, but I most definitely could be motivation for a lot of people in the …I may not be a role model, but I most definitely could be motivation for a lot of people in the hoods.

People

Wickedness is a myth invented by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of …Wickedness is a myth invented by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others.

People

Every year, many, many stupid people graduate from college. And if they can do it, so can …Every year, many, many stupid people graduate from college. And if they can do it, so can you.

People

People who count their chickens before they are hatched act very wisely because chickens run about …People who count their chickens before they are hatched act very wisely because chickens run about so absurdly that it's impossible to count them accurately.

People



All Humor Quotes


I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it …I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Failure Short Positive Attitude

America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in …America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.

One should always play fairly when one has the winning …One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards.

It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve …It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.

A library is like an island in the middle of a vast sea of ignorance, particularly if the library …A library is like an island in the middle of a vast sea of ignorance, particularly if the library is very tall and the surrounding area has been flooded.

Ignorance

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting …Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.

Inspirational Life

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly …My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Beauty Funny

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and …Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

Marriage Relationship Idea

It's far better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone - so …It's far better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone - so far.

Loneliness

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so …I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.

Nature Individuality

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the …The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

Work

All war is a symptom of man's failure as a thinking …All war is a symptom of man's failure as a thinking animal.

Failure Short War Thinking

Without education, we are in a horrible and deadly danger of taking educated people …Without education, we are in a horrible and deadly danger of taking educated people seriously.

Education Ignorance

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the …A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

Change Short Mind

You accomplish more with a smile, a handshake, and a gun than you do with just a smile and a …You accomplish more with a smile, a handshake, and a gun than you do with just a smile and a handshake.

Smile

Education consists mainly of what we have …Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.

Education Witty

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the …When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.

Maybe this world is another planet's …Maybe this world is another planet's hell.

The hardest thing of all is to find a black cat in a dark room, especially if there is no …The hardest thing of all is to find a black cat in a dark room, especially if there is no cat.

Imagination Knowledge Mind

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, …Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning do to do afterward.

Laughter

No matter how bad things are, you can always make things …No matter how bad things are, you can always make things worse.

Inspirational

Common sense is not so …Common sense is not so common.

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering …Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.

Relationship Short Truth Wisdom

Time is a drug. Too much of it kills …Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.

Science Witty

The heaviest penalty for declining to rule is to be ruled by someone inferior to …The heaviest penalty for declining to rule is to be ruled by someone inferior to yourself.

Politics

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my …Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for …Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.

Inspirational Short

I just did some calculations and I've been able to determine that you're full of …I just did some calculations and I've been able to determine that you're full of shit.

Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach …Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.

Failure Truth Fear Mistake

There is freedom of speech, but I cannot guarantee freedom after …There is freedom of speech, but I cannot guarantee freedom after speech

Freedom Short

To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be …To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.

As a general rule...people ask for advice only in order not to follow it; or if they do follow it, …As a general rule...people ask for advice only in order not to follow it; or if they do follow it, in order to have someone to blame for giving it.

Advice People Human nature

Those who are easily shocked should be shocked more …Those who are easily shocked should be shocked more often.

Short

A well-read woman is a dangerous …A well-read woman is a dangerous creature.

Education Women Reading

You have a grand gift for silence, Watson. It makes you quite invaluable as a …You have a grand gift for silence, Watson. It makes you quite invaluable as a companion.

Silence

I don't want to be alone, I want to be left …I don't want to be alone, I want to be left alone.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. …The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.

I've always been very confident in my …I've always been very confident in my immaturity.

Short

My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the …My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.

Short

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was …I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.

Family Marriage

You're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and …You're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.

What people forget is a journey to nowhere starts with a single step, …What people forget is a journey to nowhere starts with a single step, too.

A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get …A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed.'

Short

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my …I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

The Creator made women to please the eye, and to boggle the …The Creator made women to please the eye, and to boggle the mind.

Short Truth Women Mind

Interviewer: 'So Frank, you have long hair. Does that make you a woman?', Frank Zappa: 'You have a …Interviewer: 'So Frank, you have long hair. Does that make you a woman?', Frank Zappa: 'You have a wooden leg. Does that make you a table?'

All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately …All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.

Humanity World

What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed …What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.

Man

When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if …When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

Family Advice

I can calculate the motion of heavenly bodies but not the madness of …I can calculate the motion of heavenly bodies but not the madness of people.

Knowledge Ignorance People Human nature

Tact: the ability to describe others as they see …Tact: the ability to describe others as they see themselves.

Short

I'm building a dream with elevators in …I'm building a dream with elevators in it.

Short

Boredom: the desire for …Boredom: the desire for desires.

Desire Short Truth

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep …Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

Laughter World

The visionary lies to himself, the liar only to …The visionary lies to himself, the liar only to others.

Short

A writer is someone for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other …A writer is someone for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people.

Writing

The word 'good' has many meanings. For example, if a man were to shoot his grandmother at a range …The word "good" has many meanings. For example, if a man were to shoot his grandmother at a range of five hundred yards, I should call him a good shot, but not necessarily a good man.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a …The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Short Time Future

Good humor may be said to be one of the very best articles of dress one can wear in …Good humor may be said to be one of the very best articles of dress one can wear in society.

Sometimes you can't see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of …Sometimes you can't see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others.

Perspective

Sometimes a woman needs a man for company, no matter how useless he …Sometimes a woman needs a man for company, no matter how useless he is.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed …I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Courage Life

It is better to be looked over than …It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

Short

I only sleep with people I love, which is why I have …I only sleep with people I love, which is why I have insomnia.

Short

I think hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient's …I think hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient's friends.

If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, …If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed.

Book Reading

Do not be so open-minded that your brains fall …Do not be so open-minded that your brains fall out.

Short

Government exists to protect us from each other. Where government has gone beyond its limits is in …Government exists to protect us from each other. Where government has gone beyond its limits is in deciding to protect us from ourselves.

Politics

The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. You have to …The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.

Happiness

Feminism is the radical notion that women are human …Feminism is the radical notion that women are human beings.

Women

Progress just means bad things happen …Progress just means bad things happen faster.

Education Life Philosophy Truth

If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the …If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.

I always say, better ask forgiveness than …I always say, better ask forgiveness than permission.

Forgiveness Short

The truth will set you free. But not until it is finished with …The truth will set you free. But not until it is finished with you.

Freedom Truth

Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a …Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.

Time Children Book Writing

I'm an atheist and I thank God for …I'm an atheist and I thank God for it.

Religion Short Witty

Art without emotion is like chocolate cake without sugar. It makes you …Art without emotion is like chocolate cake without sugar. It makes you gag.

Emotions Art

Do your thing and don't care if they like …Do your thing and don't care if they like it.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest: ask him; if he says yes, you know he's …There's one way to find out if a man is honest: ask him; if he says yes, you know he's crooked.

Honesty Man

When I was your age, television was called …When I was your age, television was called books.

Short Book

Procrastinate now, don't put it …Procrastinate now, don't put it off.

Short

I have lived with several Zen masters -- all of them …I have lived with several Zen masters -- all of them cats.

Peace Short

We spend the first year of a child's life teaching it to walk and talk and the rest of its life to …We spend the first year of a child's life teaching it to walk and talk and the rest of its life to shut up and sit down. There's something wrong there.

Education Children

You know how it is with cats: They don't really have owners, they have …You know how it is with cats: They don't really have owners, they have staff.

Short

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit …Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Inspirational Positive Attitude Action

The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large …The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.

Short Writing

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man, then complain he's not the man she …Why does a woman work ten years to change a man, then complain he's not the man she married?

Marriage

If you can't run, you crawl. If you can't crawl-- you find someone to carry …If you can't run, you crawl. If you can't crawl-- you find someone to carry you.

Inspirational

If anyone tells you that a certain person speaks ill of you, do not make excuses about what is said …If anyone tells you that a certain person speaks ill of you, do not make excuses about what is said of you but answer, "He was ignorant of my other faults, else he would not have mentioned these alone."

History Philosophy

People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom …People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.

It's not me who can't keep a secret. It's the people I tell that …It's not me who can't keep a secret. It's the people I tell that can't.

Secret

The trouble with the world is not that people know too little; it's that they know so many things …The trouble with the world is not that people know too little; it's that they know so many things that just aren't so.

World People

That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: 'Wherever she went, including here, it …That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: 'Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.'

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to …Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

Book

If trouble comes when you least expect it then maybe the thing to do is to always expect …If trouble comes when you least expect it then maybe the thing to do is to always expect it.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the …In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Politics

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other …My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a …Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Everyone's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's really an easy way: Stop participating …Everyone's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's really an easy way: Stop participating in it.

Women always worry about things that men forget; men always worry about things women …Women always worry about things that men forget; men always worry about things women remember.

Women Memory

Anxiety's like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you very …Anxiety's like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you very far.

Simile

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than …An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the …Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others.

Politics Short

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by …Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

Religion Short

Attitude is a little thing that makes a big …Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.

Inspirational

The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one …The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite insane.

Thinking

Inside every old person is a young person wondering what …Inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.

Short

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely …A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

Short

I've always been famous, it's just no one knew it …I've always been famous, it's just no one knew it yet.

Short

There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked …There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the …I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.

Short

We are each our own devil, and we make this world our …We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.

Short

Just for the record, the weather today is calm and sunny, but the air is full of …Just for the record, the weather today is calm and sunny, but the air is full of bullshit.

Short

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat …Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

Politics Short Insult

FEAR stands for fuck everything and …FEAR stands for fuck everything and run.

Short Fear

A short story is a different thing altogether - a short story is like a quick kiss in the dark from …A short story is a different thing altogether - a short story is like a quick kiss in the dark from a stranger.

I am too fond of reading books to care to write …I am too fond of reading books to care to write them.

Book Reading

Amateurs sit and wait for inspiration, the rest of us just get up and go to …Amateurs sit and wait for inspiration, the rest of us just get up and go to work.

Work Writing

The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except …The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.

Forgiveness People

If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That's …If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That's what people remember.

I think that if God forgives us we must forgive ourselves. Otherwise, it is almost like setting up …I think that if God forgives us we must forgive ourselves. Otherwise, it is almost like setting up ourselves as a higher tribunal than Him.

Forgiveness God

I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great …I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.

Friends People

Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which …Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.

Science

Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his …Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.

Music makes one feel so romantic - at least it always gets on one's nerves - which is the same …Music makes one feel so romantic - at least it always gets on one's nerves - which is the same thing nowadays.

Music Romantic

Beauty fades, but cooking is …Beauty fades, but cooking is eternal.

Beauty Women

there is always one woman to save you from another and as that woman saves you she makes ready to …there is always one woman to save you from another and as that woman saves you she makes ready to destroy

Relationship Women

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the …Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Beauty Short

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better …A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

Short

Myth is much more important and true than history. History is just journalism and you know how …Myth is much more important and true than history. History is just journalism and you know how reliable that is.

History Inspirational Insult

It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like …It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.

Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of …Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.

Marriage

I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible …I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.

Religion Problems People

History doesn't repeat itself, but it does …History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

History Short

I prefer to think that I'm a liar in a way that's uniquely my …I prefer to think that I'm a liar in a way that's uniquely my own.

Humanity takes itself too seriously. It is the world's original sin. If the cave-man had known how …Humanity takes itself too seriously. It is the world's original sin. If the cave-man had known how to laugh, History would have been different.

History Laughter Humanity

A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a …A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.

Imagination Love Women

Revenge may be wicked, but it's …Revenge may be wicked, but it's natural.

Short

Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic …Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.

Young people don't always do what they're told, but if they can pull it off and do something …Young people don't always do what they're told, but if they can pull it off and do something wonderful, sometimes they escape punishment.

Children

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out …The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires

Children

Indeed I have always been of the opinion that hard work is simply the refuge of people who have …Indeed I have always been of the opinion that hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing to do.

Work

How do you tell a Communist? Well, it's someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an …How do you tell a Communist? Well, it's someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an anti-Communist? It's someone who understands Marx and Lenin.

Politics Witty

For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbors, and laugh at them in our …For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbors, and laugh at them in our turn?

Laughter

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you …If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Failure Funny Short Success

Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things …Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.

Simile

If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about …If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them.

Short People

Stories of imagination tend to upset those without …Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.

Imagination Insult

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good …There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Happiness Laughter

The nuclear arms race is like two sworn enemies standing waist deep in gasoline, one with three …The nuclear arms race is like two sworn enemies standing waist deep in gasoline, one with three matches, the other with five.

War Enemy

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were …Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

Religion Short

Adam was but human- this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted …Adam was but human- this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.

Consistency is the hallmark of the …Consistency is the hallmark of the unimaginative.

Imagination Short

When I'm not longer rapping, I want to open up an ice cream parlor and call myself Scoop …When I'm not longer rapping, I want to open up an ice cream parlor and call myself Scoop Dogg.

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not …I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

Short

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just …Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Short Witty

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the …I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer

Short

The world was my oyster but I used the wrong …The world was my oyster but I used the wrong fork.

Short Witty World

Before you judge me... I plead …Before you judge me... I plead guilty

Short

Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as …Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.

Short

Punctuality is the thief of …Punctuality is the thief of time

Short Time Witty

There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less …There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age …Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Short

If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed …If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide.

Short

History will be kind to me for I intend to write …History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.

History Short

Did perpetual happiness in the Garden of Eden maybe get so boring that eating the apple was …Did perpetual happiness in the Garden of Eden maybe get so boring that eating the apple was justified?

Happiness

People go on marrying because they can't resist natural forces, although many of them may know …People go on marrying because they can't resist natural forces, although many of them may know perfectly well that they are possibly buying a month's pleasure with a life's discomfort.

Marriage Nature Pleasure

In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for …In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.

Science

Sweater: Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling …Sweater: Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.

Short Feeling

The last thing I ever wanted was to be alive when the three most powerful people on the whole …The last thing I ever wanted was to be alive when the three most powerful people on the whole planet would be named Bush, Dick and Colon.

Politics

You should always waste time when you don't have any. Time is not the boss of …You should always waste time when you don't have any. Time is not the boss of you.

Time

Why is it that when one man builds a wall, the next man immediately needs to know what's on the …Why is it that when one man builds a wall, the next man immediately needs to know what's on the other side?

Human nature

Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed …Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.

Short

Marriage is a fine institution, but I'm not ready for an …Marriage is a fine institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Freedom Marriage Short

I must be a mermaid, Rango. I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow …I must be a mermaid, Rango. I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living.

Short Witty Fear

Properly read, the Bible is the most potent force for atheism ever …Properly read, the Bible is the most potent force for atheism ever conceived.

Religion Short

The young people think the old people are fools -- but the old people know the young people are …The young people think the old people are fools -- but the old people know the young people are fools.

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait …It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.

Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun …Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.

Relationship

I'm bad and I'm going to hell, and I don't care. I'd rather be in hell than anywhere where you …I'm bad and I'm going to hell, and I don't care. I'd rather be in hell than anywhere where you are.

If you wish to be a success in the world, promise everything, deliver …If you wish to be a success in the world, promise everything, deliver nothing.

Short Success World

I lie to myself all the time. But I never believe …I lie to myself all the time. But I never believe me.

Short Belief

your mind is like an unsafe neighborhood; don't go there …your mind is like an unsafe neighborhood; don't go there alone.

Mind

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone …I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Short

I think everybody's …I think everybody's nuts.

Short Truth Humans

Makin' mistakes ain't a crime, you know. What's the use of having a reputation if you can't ruin it …Makin' mistakes ain't a crime, you know. What's the use of having a reputation if you can't ruin it every now and then?

Mistake

'Now what state do you live in?' …'Now what state do you live in?' 'Denial.'

Short

I don't want it to be attributed to a loss of control on my part. When I throw you out of the …I don't want it to be attributed to a loss of control on my part. When I throw you out of the window, I want there to be no doubt the act was deliberate.

The fact is, the heart and mind aren't always friendly. And in my case, they're barely …The fact is, the heart and mind aren't always friendly. And in my case, they're barely speaking.

Heart Mind

A hangover is the wrath of …A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Short

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for …Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch.

Short

You want to remember that while you're judging the book, the book is also judging …You want to remember that while you're judging the book, the book is also judging you.

Book Reading

I believe I am in Hell, therefore I …I believe I am in Hell, therefore I am.

Belief

Definition of rock journalism: People who can't write, doing interviews with people who can't …Definition of rock journalism: People who can't write, doing interviews with people who can't think, in order to prepare articles for people who can't read.

Music Writing

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in …Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.

Relationship Women

Just remember, when you're over the hill, you begin to pick up …Just remember, when you're over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.

Short Witty

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art …I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

Art

Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the …Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same …Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an …Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

Religion

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to …A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.

Women

Come on, Rory! It isn't rocket science, it's just quantum …Come on, Rory! It isn't rocket science, it's just quantum physics!

Short Science

Know the rules well, so you can break them …Know the rules well, so you can break them effectively.

Funny Short

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a …If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.

Inspirational

'A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.' I really hate this expression. I bet fish would …"A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." I really hate this expression. I bet fish would totally want bicycles.

Funny Witty

Tampon commercial, detergent commercial, maxi pad commercial, windex commercial - you'd think all …Tampon commercial, detergent commercial, maxi pad commercial, windex commercial - you'd think all women do is clean and bleed.

Women

Interpretation is the revenge of the intellectual upon …Interpretation is the revenge of the intellectual upon art.

Art

How could I be sleeping with this particular man... Surely only true love could justify my lack of …How could I be sleeping with this particular man... Surely only true love could justify my lack of taste.

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a …Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.

Nature Short

In eternity there is no time, only an instant long enough for a …In eternity there is no time, only an instant long enough for a joke.

Short Time

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't …I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Funny Short Witty

Graffiti is one of the few tools you have if you have almost nothing. And even if you don't come up …Graffiti is one of the few tools you have if you have almost nothing. And even if you don't come up with a picture to cure world poverty you can make someone smile while they're having a piss.

Art

There is no sinner like a young …There is no sinner like a young saint.

Short

Anybody who says they are a good liar obviously is not, because any legitimately savvy liar would …Anybody who says they are a good liar obviously is not, because any legitimately savvy liar would always insist they're honest about everything.

Honesty

It's not that I want you to go, it's just that I don't want you to …It's not that I want you to go, it's just that I don't want you to stay.

Don't leave a piece of jewelry at his house so you can go back and get it later; he may be with his …Don't leave a piece of jewelry at his house so you can go back and get it later; he may be with his real girlfriend.

Relationship Women Advice

I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the …I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.

Short Perseverance

Armageddon was yesterday, today we have a serious …Armageddon was yesterday, today we have a serious problem.

Short Problems

Although I was able to maintain a pleasant expression, I was mentally throwing up in her …Although I was able to maintain a pleasant expression, I was mentally throwing up in her face.

You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you …You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you odd.

Short Truth

Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% …Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple

Funny

You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm. It's really …You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm. It's really funny.

Funny

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will …If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

Work

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large …Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Short

I have only made this letter longer because I have not had the time to make it …I have only made this letter longer because I have not had the time to make it shorter.

Writing

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as …In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

Education Life Short

When I was a boy the 'Dead Sea' was only …When I was a boy the "Dead Sea" was only sick.

Short

You should try not to talk so much, friend. You'll sound far less stupid that …You should try not to talk so much, friend. You'll sound far less stupid that way

Silence

Don't pay any attention to what they write about you. Just measure it in …Don't pay any attention to what they write about you. Just measure it in inches.

I've gotten really hot since you went …I've gotten really hot since you went blind.

Short

Give me just enough information so that I can lie …Give me just enough information so that I can lie convincingly.

Writing

I don't know who invented high heels, but all women owe him a …I don't know who invented high heels, but all women owe him a lot!

Short Women

Student: Dr. Einstein, Aren't these the same questions as last year's [physics] final exam? Dr. …Student: Dr. Einstein, Aren't these the same questions as last year's [physics] final exam? Dr. Einstein: Yes; But this year the answers are different.

Science

Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may …Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to space.

Science

The homemaker has the ultimate career. All other careers exist for one purpose only - and that is …The homemaker has the ultimate career. All other careers exist for one purpose only - and that is to support the ultimate career.

Family

I always channel my emotions into my work. That way, I don't hurt anyone but …I always channel my emotions into my work. That way, I don't hurt anyone but myself.

Emotions Hurt

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently, I'm not a very good American …I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently, I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Thinking

I warn you, if you bore me, I shall take my …I warn you, if you bore me, I shall take my revenge.

Short

I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and …I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.

Happiness Life

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody …All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

It is very unnerving to be proven wrong, particularly when you are really right and the person who …It is very unnerving to be proven wrong, particularly when you are really right and the person who is really wrong is proving you wrong and proving himself, wrongly, right.

When you're drowning you don't think, I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm …When you're drowning you don't think, I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me. You just scream.

There are some people you like immediately, some whom you think you might learn to like in the …There are some people you like immediately, some whom you think you might learn to like in the fullness of time, and some that you simply want to push away from you with a sharp stick.

Friends

Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on …Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men.

Book

I became insane, with long intervals of horrible …I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.

Short

And I have one of those very loud, stupid laughs. I mean if I ever sat behind myself in a movie or …And I have one of those very loud, stupid laughs. I mean if I ever sat behind myself in a movie or something, I'd probably lean over and tell myself to please shut up.

Laughter

Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it …Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.

Poetry Darkness Light

I suppose I'll have to add the force of gravity to my list of …I suppose I'll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies.

Short Enemy

Everyone thinks you make mistakes when you're young. But I don't think we make any fewer when we're …Everyone thinks you make mistakes when you're young. But I don't think we make any fewer when we're grown up

Mistake

From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day …From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Laughter Book Reading

Stupid men are the only ones worth knowing after …Stupid men are the only ones worth knowing after all.

Short

I enjoy talking to you. Your mind appeals to me. It resembles my own mind except that you happen to …I enjoy talking to you. Your mind appeals to me. It resembles my own mind except that you happen to be insane.

Mind

They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never …They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered.

Short

'Are you always a smartass?' Nope. Sometimes I'm …'Are you always a smartass?' Nope. Sometimes I'm asleep.

Short

Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must …Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.

Short People

I am tired of myself tonight. I should like to be somebody …I am tired of myself tonight. I should like to be somebody else.

Google can bring you back 100,000 answers. A librarian can bring you back the right …Google can bring you back 100,000 answers. A librarian can bring you back the right one.

Some infinities are bigger than other …Some infinities are bigger than other infinities.

Short

Honestly, if you were any slower, you'd be going …Honestly, if you were any slower, you'd be going backward.

I solemnly swear that I am up to no …I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Short

Nothing like watching your relatives fight, I always …Nothing like watching your relatives fight, I always say.

Family Short

Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to …Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend's success.

Friendship Witty Suffering

I'm Dylan. I'm so cool. I want to date myself, but I don't know how! You want to date me instead? …I'm Dylan. I'm so cool. I want to date myself, but I don't know how! You want to date me instead? You're so lucky!

'What do you want?' 'Just coffee. Black - like my …"What do you want?" "Just coffee. Black - like my soul."

Short Soul

Jem is nothing but goodness. That he struck you last night only shows how capable you are of …Jem is nothing but goodness. That he struck you last night only shows how capable you are of driving even saints to madness.

The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what Fiction …The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what Fiction means.

Short

Sometimes you lose a battle. But mischief always wins the …Sometimes you lose a battle. But mischief always wins the war

Short War

Today is the sort of day where the sun only comes up to humiliate …Today is the sort of day where the sun only comes up to humiliate you.

Short

If there was such a thing as terminal literalism, you'd have died in …If there was such a thing as terminal literalism, you'd have died in childhood

Insult

'You're an idiot.' 'I've never claimed to be …"You're an idiot." "I've never claimed to be otherwise."

Short

Parents are like God because you wanna know they're out there, and you want them to think well of …Parents are like God because you wanna know they're out there, and you want them to think well of you, but you really only call when you need something.

Family God

You speak an infinite deal of …You speak an infinite deal of nothing.

Short Witty Insult

'Most fathers don't threaten to disembowel their daughter's boyfriends.' 'That's not true. And …"Most fathers don't threaten to disembowel their daughter's boyfriends." "That's not true. And anyway, that's not what I actually said. It was much worse."

Just keep asking yourself: What would Jesus not …Just keep asking yourself: What would Jesus not do?

Religion Short Choice

I try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my …I try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.

To summarize the summary of the summary: people are a …To summarize the summary of the summary: people are a problem.

Politics Problems People

My books are water; those of the great geniuses are wine. Everybody drinks …My books are water; those of the great geniuses are wine. Everybody drinks water.

Book Writing

Why drink and drive if I can smoke and …Why drink and drive if I can smoke and fly?

Some people have a way with words, and other people...oh, uh, not have …Some people have a way with words, and other people...oh, uh, not have way.

Short People

'We'll never survive!' 'Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever …"We'll never survive!" "Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever has."

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the …Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Idea

I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away …I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwards.

Mistake

Those who restrain desire do so because their's is weak enough to be …Those who restrain desire do so because their's is weak enough to be restrained.

Desire

I have no objection to anyone's sex life as long as they don't practice it in the street and …I have no objection to anyone's sex life as long as they don't practice it in the street and frighten the horses.

The funniest people are the saddest …The funniest people are the saddest ones

Short Sadness People

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on …Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?

Insult Simile

Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a …Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen.

Idea Writing

Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the …Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.

Inspirational Wisdom

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf …There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Universe Human nature

Evil isn't the real threat to the world. Stupid is just as destructive as Evil, maybe more so, and …Evil isn't the real threat to the world. Stupid is just as destructive as Evil, maybe more so, and it's a hell of a lot more common. What we really need is a crusade against Stupid. That might actually make a difference.

Evil World

'The world isn't fair, Calvin.' 'I know Dad, but why isn't it ever unfair in my …"The world isn't fair, Calvin." "I know Dad, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?"

We're not retreating, we're advancing in …We're not retreating, we're advancing in reverse

Short

When I said I would die a bachelor, I did not think I should live till I were …When I said I would die a bachelor, I did not think I should live till I were married.

Marriage

My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other …My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.

Short

A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of …A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it.

Short Book Writing

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their …Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Forgiveness

Everybody does have a book in them, but in most cases that's where it should …Everybody does have a book in them, but in most cases that's where it should stay.

Book Writing

Those unable to catalog the past are doomed to repeat …Those unable to catalog the past are doomed to repeat it.

History Short Past

Laugh whenever you can. Keeps you from killing yourself when things are bad. That and …Laugh whenever you can. Keeps you from killing yourself when things are bad. That and vodka.

Laughter

Any fool can make a rule And any fool will mind …Any fool can make a rule And any fool will mind it.

There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast …There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.

Book Reading

Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older …Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self.

Time

I want to be with those who know secret things or else …I want to be with those who know secret things or else alone.

Don't look at me in that tone of …Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Short

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the …Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

Heart Short Light

A woman who doesn't wear perfume has no …A woman who doesn't wear perfume has no future.

Future

Well, that's your opinion, isn't it? And I'm not about to waste my time trying to change …Well, that's your opinion, isn't it? And I'm not about to waste my time trying to change it.

Time

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got …I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

Short

I have never listened to anyone who criticized my taste in space travel, sideshows or gorillas. …I have never listened to anyone who criticized my taste in space travel, sideshows or gorillas. When this occurs, I pack up my dinosaurs and leave the room.

Individuality Writing

Because you can't argue with all the fools in the world. It's easier to let them have their way, …Because you can't argue with all the fools in the world. It's easier to let them have their way, then trick them when they're not paying attention.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every …As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to …You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.

Body Spirit

A dame that knows the ropes isn't likely to get tied …A dame that knows the ropes isn't likely to get tied up.

Relationship Short Women

I have lived a great deal among grown-ups. I have seen them intimately, close at hand. And that …I have lived a great deal among grown-ups. I have seen them intimately, close at hand. And that hasn't much improved my opinion of them.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going …If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

In old days books were written by men of letters and read by the public. Nowadays books are written …In old days books were written by men of letters and read by the public. Nowadays books are written by the public and read by nobody.

Writing

Google' is not a synonym for …Google' is not a synonym for 'research'.

Short

Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of …Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of him?

All great literature is one of two stories; a man goes on a journey or a stranger comes to …All great literature is one of two stories; a man goes on a journey or a stranger comes to town.

Writing

That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of …That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.

Insult

'You said you were going for a walk!? What kind of walk takes six hours?', 'A long …"You said you were going for a walk!? What kind of walk takes six hours?", "A long one?"

Short

I have nothing to declare except my …I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Short