Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
If you can't explain it to a six year old, you don't understand it yourself.
Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.
Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.
Short + Humor quotes ⇑Short Quotes
Peeing is like a good book in that it is very, very hard to stop once you start.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
I never put off till tomorrow what I can possibly do - the day after.
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
I know how devastated you must be to miss me, but leave a message, and I'll try to ease your agony
Funny + Humor quotes ⇑Funny Quotes
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
If you see a man opening a car door for a woman, it means one of two things: it's either a new woman or a new car!
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing.
I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.
(On Soul Mates) Body needs a mate, understandable, mind needs a mate to some extent. The soul if it needs a mate, it's a lost soul
Fear means you're producing horror movies in your mind. Tch.. Nobody else is willing to watch. That's bad for the producer, but you are producing them. So, you produce something else - produce a comedy, a love story..
There is no one moment of ease, simply. These structured societies where you have house mortgage which is for thirty years, a car mortgage which is for ten years, an education loan which is twenty two years - you got a life term. You're doing your time in an open prison.
Life + Humor quotes ⇑Life Quotes
Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.
That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.
An intelligent person is constantly hesitating with life, with every step he wonders whether what he is doing is okay or not, but a fool is absolutely confident.
Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.
I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.
Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.
Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.
One of the few good things about modern times: If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us.
We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are.
Calvin: Life's a lot more fun when you aren't responsible for your actions.
Of course motivation is not permanent. But then, neither is bathing; but it is something you should do on a regular basis.
If you're a bird, be an early bird, and catch the worm for your breakfast plate... But if you're a worm, sleep late.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Life is like a confused teacher...first she gives the test and then teaches the lesson
Don't take life too seriously. Punch it in the face when it needs a good hit. Laugh at it.
Witty + Humor quotes ⇑Witty Quotes
I may not agree with you, but I will defend to the death your right to make an ass of yourself.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Diplomacy is the art of telling people to go to hell in such a way that they ask for directions.
I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.
I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
A woman, especially if she have the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.
Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.
If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf.
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
Yes: I am a dreamer. For a dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.
Alec: "How do you manage never to get mud on your clothes?", Isabelle: "I'm pure at heart. It repels the dirt."
Now, the trouble about trying to make yourself stupider than you really are is that you very often succeed.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.
Death + Humor quotes ⇑Death Quotes
I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.
Eating, sleeping, reproducing, dying - every other species does it effortlessly. Why do human beings make such a fuss about it?
Death: "There are better things in the world than alcohol, Albert." Albert: "Oh, yes, sir. But alcohol sort of compensates for not getting them.
A whole lot of people are carrying grave faces as if they are practicing the final posture. Time we work towards life, not death. Because when it comes to death, everybody is a Natural Star.
Philosophy + Humor quotes ⇑Philosophy Quotes
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people we personally dislike.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them
Know thyself? If I knew myself, I'd run away.
A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.
Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun.
There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who believe there are two kinds of people in this world and those who are smart enough to know better.
It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.
God + Humor quotes ⇑God Quotes
All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.
I would like to see anyone, prophet, king or God, convince a thousand cats to do the same thing at the same time.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.
In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.
If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be one nation gone under.
Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
All the miserable people in the world think there is something wrong with the creation; all the miserable people in the world think Creator has made a mistake
Love + Humor quotes ⇑Love Quotes
There is not enough love and goodness in the world to permit giving any of it away to imaginary beings.
I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.
Man may have discovered fire, but women discovered how to play with it.
We love our children just the same even if they are exchanged in the hospital, so it is just your willingness to include somebody, it doesn't have to come from your body, if you are willing it is possible to love anybody
Remember, we're madly in love, so it's all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.
I loved you like a man loves a woman he never touches, only writes to, keeps little photographs of.
Truth + Humor quotes ⇑Truth Quotes
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
To the man who only has a hammer, everything he encounters begins to look like a nail.
It is perfectly monstrous... the way people go about nowadays, saying things against one behind one's back, that are absolutely and entirely true.
All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone.
A man who trusts everyone is a fool and a man who trusts no one is a fool. We are all fools if we live long enough.
Never trust a mechanic who drives new cars. They're either charging too much money for their work, or they can't keep an old car running - maybe both.
On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.
All Humor Quotes ⇑
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.
Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning do to do afterward.
A library is like an island in the middle of a vast sea of ignorance, particularly if the library is very tall and the surrounding area has been flooded.
It's far better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone - so far.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.
Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
No matter how bad things are, you can always make things worse.
The heaviest penalty for declining to rule is to be ruled by someone inferior to yourself.
You accomplish more with a smile, a handshake, and a gun than you do with just a smile and a handshake.
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
The hardest thing of all is to find a black cat in a dark room, especially if there is no cat.
When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.
Without education, we are in a horrible and deadly danger of taking educated people seriously.
To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.
Humanity takes itself too seriously. It is the world's original sin. If the cave-man had known how to laugh, History would have been different.
The trouble with the world is not that people know too little; it's that they know so many things that just aren't so.
That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: 'Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.'
Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.
People are capable of suffering just about anything. If you send them to heaven they will suffer because they will miss hell.
The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.
If you don't know what you're talking about, the best thing is to shut up. Silence will breed wisdom.
I'm building a dream with elevators in it.
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
You're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.
Interviewer: 'So Frank, you have long hair. Does that make you a woman?', Frank Zappa: 'You have a wooden leg. Does that make you a table?'
Everyone's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's really an easy way: Stop participating in it.
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
The word "good" has many meanings. For example, if a man were to shoot his grandmother at a range of five hundred yards, I should call him a good shot, but not necessarily a good man.
Government exists to protect us from each other. Where government has gone beyond its limits is in deciding to protect us from ourselves.
I can calculate the motion of heavenly bodies but not the madness of people.
My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
Young people don't always do what they're told, but if they can pull it off and do something wonderful, sometimes they escape punishment.
You should always waste time when you don't have any. Time is not the boss of you.
People go on marrying because they can't resist natural forces, although many of them may know perfectly well that they are possibly buying a month's pleasure with a life's discomfort.
The intelligence of that creature known as a crowd is the square root of the number of people in it.
You have a grand gift for silence, Watson. It makes you quite invaluable as a companion.
Before you judge me... I plead guilty
I've always been very confident in my immaturity.
The nuclear arms race is like two sworn enemies standing waist deep in gasoline, one with three matches, the other with five.
If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed.
Do not be so open-minded that your brains fall out.
I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.
If anyone tells you that a certain person speaks ill of you, do not make excuses about what is said of you but answer, "He was ignorant of my other faults, else he would not have mentioned these alone."
Feminism is the radical notion that women are human beings.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.
As a general rule...people ask for advice only in order not to follow it; or if they do follow it, in order to have someone to blame for giving it.
A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed.'
I only sleep with people I love, which is why I have insomnia.
Sometimes you can't see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others.
We prefer to see "winners" as "naturally talented" rather than "hard-working." Because if it were reversed, what would that imply about us?
It's not me who can't keep a secret. It's the people I tell that can't.
What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
Good humor may be said to be one of the very best articles of dress one can wear in society.
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man, then complain he's not the man she married?
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
Women always worry about things that men forget; men always worry about things women remember.
We spend the first year of a child's life teaching it to walk and talk and the rest of its life to shut up and sit down. There's something wrong there.
You know how it is with cats: They don't really have owners, they have staff.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Procrastinate now, don't put it off.
There's one way to find out if a man is honest: ask him; if he says yes, you know he's crooked.
The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite insane.
Anxiety's like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you very far.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
If you can't run, you crawl. If you can't crawl-- you find someone to carry you.
Why is it that when one man builds a wall, the next man immediately needs to know what's on the other side?
Music makes one feel so romantic - at least it always gets on one's nerves - which is the same thing nowadays.
Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.
there is always one woman to save you from another and as that woman saves you she makes ready to destroy
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
Did perpetual happiness in the Garden of Eden maybe get so boring that eating the apple was justified?
I must be a mermaid, Rango. I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living.
In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.
Myth is much more important and true than history. History is just journalism and you know how reliable that is.
Indeed I have always been of the opinion that hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing to do.
I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.
I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbors, and laugh at them in our turn?
Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.
We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.
Just for the record, the weather today is calm and sunny, but the air is full of bullshit.
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
A short story is a different thing altogether - a short story is like a quick kiss in the dark from a stranger.
Amateurs sit and wait for inspiration, the rest of us just get up and go to work.
If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That's what people remember.
I think that if God forgives us we must forgive ourselves. Otherwise, it is almost like setting up ourselves as a higher tribunal than Him.
intelligent are hesitant, stupid are confident
I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.
I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.
A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.
Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.
Revenge may be wicked, but it's natural.
Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.
I thought people are getting married to multiply their joy. If they are getting married to multiply their misery I think we need a law to stop this
The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires
Adam was but human- this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.
If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide.
Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer
The last thing I ever wanted was to be alive when the three most powerful people on the whole planet would be named Bush, Dick and Colon.
The visionary lies to himself, the liar only to others.
Inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.
Tact: the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
How do you tell a Communist? Well, it's someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an anti-Communist? It's someone who understands Marx and Lenin.
I've always been famous, it's just no one knew it yet.
The only reason why we ask other people how their weekend was is so we can tell them about our own weekend.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages.
Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.
How could I be sleeping with this particular man... Surely only true love could justify my lack of taste.
Technology is not only the thing that moves the human race forward, but it's the only thing that ever has. Without technology, we're just monkeys playing in the dirt.
You should try not to talk so much, friend. You'll sound far less stupid that way
If you don't want to go to the meeting right now, your future self won't want to go to it later, either.
If you want to make the wrong decision, ask everyone
Graffiti is one of the few tools you have if you have almost nothing. And even if you don't come up with a picture to cure world poverty you can make someone smile while they're having a piss.
If you want to be successful, surround yourself with people who are more successful than you are, but if you want to be happy, surround yourself with people who are less successful than you are.
If more government is the answer, then it was a really stupid question.
It doesn't matter which religion, which nonsense you belong to, the moment you get God's stamp on what you believe in, that's it, you don't have to apply your intelligence and see what you are doing with life
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
I have only made this letter longer because I have not had the time to make it shorter.
No intelligent idea can gain general acceptance unless some stupidity is mixed in with it
Makin' mistakes ain't a crime, you know. What's the use of having a reputation if you can't ruin it every now and then?
Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple
The young people think the old people are fools -- but the old people know the young people are fools.
'Now what state do you live in?' 'Denial.'
Interpretation is the revenge of the intellectual upon art.
Twitter is a way to broadcast messages to hundreds of millions of people to find the few dozen that you actually want to talk to
Tampon commercial, detergent commercial, maxi pad commercial, windex commercial - you'd think all women do is clean and bleed.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
The fact is, the heart and mind aren't always friendly. And in my case, they're barely speaking.
your mind is like an unsafe neighborhood; don't go there alone.
Sun came up on time today morning. None of the planets in this solar system collided today. In the whole universe no accidents, in this endless cosmos no accidents, everything going great but you have one nasty little thought crawling in your head and it's a bad day, you've completely lost perception with life
Philosophers are usually out-of-work men - not many women philosophers, isn't it? Out-of-work men have an explanation as to why they're out of work, so they keep churning up philosophies.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
[About Cloning] There is a pleasurable way of creating children, I don't see why you're wasting billions of dollars in a laboratory. I am only talking about when still women are able to bear children. it doesn't matter what you call it, you're just producing a human body which is alive - means the life process is there with all the ingredients
When I first came to United States, one word I was hearing everywhere is, 'stress management.' I could not understand this because in my mind, we manage things which are precious to us - our family, our wealth, our business and whatever else which is valuable to us. Why would anybody want to manage stress, is something I couldn't get for some time time
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
Sometimes you look back at girls you spent money on rather than send it to your mum and you realise witchcraft is real
I've gotten really hot since you went blind.
Don't leave a piece of jewelry at his house so you can go back and get it later; he may be with his real girlfriend.
Student: Dr. Einstein, Aren't these the same questions as last year's [physics] final exam? Dr. Einstein: Yes; But this year the answers are different.
I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.
Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to space.
The homemaker has the ultimate career. All other careers exist for one purpose only - and that is to support the ultimate career.
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently, I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
I warn you, if you bore me, I shall take my revenge.
The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends.
It is very unnerving to be proven wrong, particularly when you are really right and the person who is really wrong is proving you wrong and proving himself, wrongly, right.
There are some people you like immediately, some whom you think you might learn to like in the fullness of time, and some that you simply want to push away from you with a sharp stick.
When you're drowning you don't think, I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me. You just scream.
Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men.
I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.
And I have one of those very loud, stupid laughs. I mean if I ever sat behind myself in a movie or something, I'd probably lean over and tell myself to please shut up.
Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.
Everyone thinks you make mistakes when you're young. But I don't think we make any fewer when we're grown up
From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
I enjoy talking to you. Your mind appeals to me. It resembles my own mind except that you happen to be insane.
They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered.
There is no sinner like a young saint.
Some infinities are bigger than other infinities.
I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.
Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend's success.
I'm Dylan. I'm so cool. I want to date myself, but I don't know how! You want to date me instead? You're so lucky!
Jem is nothing but goodness. That he struck you last night only shows how capable you are of driving even saints to madness.
The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what Fiction means.
Today is the sort of day where the sun only comes up to humiliate you.
I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.
"You're an idiot." "I've never claimed to be otherwise."
Parents are like God because you wanna know they're out there, and you want them to think well of you, but you really only call when you need something.
"Most fathers don't threaten to disembowel their daughter's boyfriends." "That's not true. And anyway, that's not what I actually said. It was much worse."
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Everybody does have a book in them, but in most cases that's where it should stay.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
People have to talk about something just to keep their voice boxes in working order so they'll have good voice boxes in case there's ever anything really meaningful to say.
I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwards.
Whiskey, like a beautiful woman, demands appreciation. You gaze first, then it's time to drink.
Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.
Evil isn't the real threat to the world. Stupid is just as destructive as Evil, maybe more so, and it's a hell of a lot more common. What we really need is a crusade against Stupid. That might actually make a difference.
Wickedness is a myth invented by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others.
My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
Every year, many, many stupid people graduate from college. And if they can do it, so can you.
People who count their chickens before they are hatched act very wisely because chickens run about so absurdly that it's impossible to count them accurately.
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.
Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
Laugh whenever you can. Keeps you from killing yourself when things are bad. That and vodka.
Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen.
I have never listened to anyone who criticized my taste in space travel, sideshows or gorillas. When this occurs, I pack up my dinosaurs and leave the room.
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
Well, that's your opinion, isn't it? And I'm not about to waste my time trying to change it.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self.
There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.
It's better to have an Ivy League degree than an Ivy League education.
I have lived a great deal among grown-ups. I have seen them intimately, close at hand. And that hasn't much improved my opinion of them.
In old days books were written by men of letters and read by the public. Nowadays books are written by the public and read by nobody.
A woman who doesn't wear perfume has no future.
All great literature is one of two stories; a man goes on a journey or a stranger comes to town.
That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.
Google' is not a synonym for 'research'.
Because you can't argue with all the fools in the world. It's easier to let them have their way, then trick them when they're not paying attention.
"You said you were going for a walk!? What kind of walk takes six hours?", "A long one?"
I have nothing to declare except my genius.