War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something
Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.
Lies require commitment.
Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.
If you can't explain it to a six year old, you don't understand it yourself.
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.
Short + Humor quotes ⇑Short Quotes
Peeing is like a good book in that it is very, very hard to stop once you start.
When we don't know who to hate, we hate ourselves.
I like men who have a future and women who have a past.
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
I never put off till tomorrow what I can possibly do - the day after.
Humor is almost always anger with its make-up on.
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
I don't do what I'm told, but I might do what you want if you ask me nicely.
I know how devastated you must be to miss me, but leave a message, and I'll try to ease your agony
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir... mighty scarce.
Funny + Humor quotes ⇑Funny Quotes
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
If you see a man opening a car door for a woman, it means one of two things: it's either a new woman or a new car!
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing.
I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist
I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
Life + Humor quotes ⇑Life Quotes
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.
That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.
Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.
I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.
Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.
Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.
One of the few good things about modern times: If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us.
We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are.
Of course motivation is not permanent. But then, neither is bathing; but it is something you should do on a regular basis.
If you're a bird, be an early bird, and catch the worm for your breakfast plate... But if you're a worm, sleep late.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Life is like a confused teacher...first she gives the test and then teaches the lesson
Don't take life too seriously. Punch it in the face when it needs a good hit. Laugh at it.
Witty + Humor quotes ⇑Witty Quotes
I may not agree with you, but I will defend to the death your right to make an ass of yourself.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Diplomacy is the art of telling people to go to hell in such a way that they ask for directions.
I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.
I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
A woman, especially if she have the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.
Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.
If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf.
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.
Yes: I am a dreamer. For a dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.
Alec: "How do you manage never to get mud on your clothes?", Isabelle: "I'm pure at heart. It repels the dirt."
Now, the trouble about trying to make yourself stupider than you really are is that you very often succeed.
There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.
Philosophy + Humor quotes ⇑Philosophy Quotes
Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something.
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people we personally dislike.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them
Know thyself? If I knew myself, I'd run away.
A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.
Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun.
There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who believe there are two kinds of people in this world and those who are smart enough to know better.
It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.
God + Humor quotes ⇑God Quotes
All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.
I would like to see anyone, prophet, king or God, convince a thousand cats to do the same thing at the same time.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.
In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.
If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be one nation gone under.
Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: Oh Lord, make my enemies ridiculous. And God granted it
We are all atheists about most of the gods that humanity has ever believed in. Some of us just go one god further.
Death + Humor quotes ⇑Death Quotes
I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.
Death: "There are better things in the world than alcohol, Albert." Albert: "Oh, yes, sir. But alcohol sort of compensates for not getting them.
Love + Humor quotes ⇑Love Quotes
There is not enough love and goodness in the world to permit giving any of it away to imaginary beings.
I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.
Remember, we're madly in love, so it's all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.
One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well.
The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends.
I loved you like a man loves a woman he never touches, only writes to, keeps little photographs of.
Love is like a brick. You can build a house, or you can sink a dead body.
Truth + Humor quotes ⇑Truth Quotes
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
To the man who only has a hammer, everything he encounters begins to look like a nail.
It is perfectly monstrous... the way people go about nowadays, saying things against one behind one's back, that are absolutely and entirely true.
All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone.
A man who trusts everyone is a fool and a man who trusts no one is a fool. We are all fools if we live long enough.
Never trust a mechanic who drives new cars. They're either charging too much money for their work, or they can't keep an old car running - maybe both.
On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.
People + Humor quotes ⇑People Quotes
The only reason why we ask other people how their weekend was is so we can tell them about our own weekend.
The intelligence of that creature known as a crowd is the square root of the number of people in it.
I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.
I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.
"Do you hate people?” “I don't hate them...I just feel better when they're not around."
People have to talk about something just to keep their voice boxes in working order so they'll have good voice boxes in case there's ever anything really meaningful to say.
I may not be a role model, but I most definitely could be motivation for a lot of people in the hoods.
Wickedness is a myth invented by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others.
Every year, many, many stupid people graduate from college. And if they can do it, so can you.
People who count their chickens before they are hatched act very wisely because chickens run about so absurdly that it's impossible to count them accurately.
All Humor Quotes ⇑
A library is like an island in the middle of a vast sea of ignorance, particularly if the library is very tall and the surrounding area has been flooded.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.
It's far better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone - so far.
I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
Without education, we are in a horrible and deadly danger of taking educated people seriously.
You accomplish more with a smile, a handshake, and a gun than you do with just a smile and a handshake.
When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.
The hardest thing of all is to find a black cat in a dark room, especially if there is no cat.
Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning do to do afterward.
No matter how bad things are, you can always make things worse.
Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.
The heaviest penalty for declining to rule is to be ruled by someone inferior to yourself.
To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.
As a general rule...people ask for advice only in order not to follow it; or if they do follow it, in order to have someone to blame for giving it.
Those who are easily shocked should be shocked more often.
You have a grand gift for silence, Watson. It makes you quite invaluable as a companion.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.
I've always been very confident in my immaturity.
My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.
I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.
You're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.
A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed.'
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
Interviewer: 'So Frank, you have long hair. Does that make you a woman?', Frank Zappa: 'You have a wooden leg. Does that make you a table?'
What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.
When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
I can calculate the motion of heavenly bodies but not the madness of people.
Tact: the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
I'm building a dream with elevators in it.
The visionary lies to himself, the liar only to others.
A writer is someone for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people.
The word "good" has many meanings. For example, if a man were to shoot his grandmother at a range of five hundred yards, I should call him a good shot, but not necessarily a good man.
Sometimes you can't see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
I only sleep with people I love, which is why I have insomnia.
If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed.
Do not be so open-minded that your brains fall out.
Government exists to protect us from each other. Where government has gone beyond its limits is in deciding to protect us from ourselves.
The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.
Feminism is the radical notion that women are human beings.
Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.
There's one way to find out if a man is honest: ask him; if he says yes, you know he's crooked.
Procrastinate now, don't put it off.
We spend the first year of a child's life teaching it to walk and talk and the rest of its life to shut up and sit down. There's something wrong there.
You know how it is with cats: They don't really have owners, they have staff.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man, then complain he's not the man she married?
If you can't run, you crawl. If you can't crawl-- you find someone to carry you.
If anyone tells you that a certain person speaks ill of you, do not make excuses about what is said of you but answer, "He was ignorant of my other faults, else he would not have mentioned these alone."
It's not me who can't keep a secret. It's the people I tell that can't.
The trouble with the world is not that people know too little; it's that they know so many things that just aren't so.
That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: 'Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.'
Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
Everyone's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's really an easy way: Stop participating in it.
Women always worry about things that men forget; men always worry about things women remember.
Anxiety's like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you very far.
Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.
The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite insane.
Inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.
A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
I've always been famous, it's just no one knew it yet.
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.
I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.
We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.
Just for the record, the weather today is calm and sunny, but the air is full of bullshit.
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
A short story is a different thing altogether - a short story is like a quick kiss in the dark from a stranger.
If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That's what people remember.
I think that if God forgives us we must forgive ourselves. Otherwise, it is almost like setting up ourselves as a higher tribunal than Him.
I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.
Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.
Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.
Music makes one feel so romantic - at least it always gets on one's nerves - which is the same thing nowadays.
there is always one woman to save you from another and as that woman saves you she makes ready to destroy
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
Myth is much more important and true than history. History is just journalism and you know how reliable that is.
Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.
I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.
Humanity takes itself too seriously. It is the world's original sin. If the cave-man had known how to laugh, History would have been different.
A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.
Revenge may be wicked, but it's natural.
Young people don't always do what they're told, but if they can pull it off and do something wonderful, sometimes they escape punishment.
The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires
Indeed I have always been of the opinion that hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing to do.
How do you tell a Communist? Well, it's someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an anti-Communist? It's someone who understands Marx and Lenin.
For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbors, and laugh at them in our turn?
Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
The nuclear arms race is like two sworn enemies standing waist deep in gasoline, one with three matches, the other with five.
Adam was but human- this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.
I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer
Before you judge me... I plead guilty
Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.
There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide.
Did perpetual happiness in the Garden of Eden maybe get so boring that eating the apple was justified?
People go on marrying because they can't resist natural forces, although many of them may know perfectly well that they are possibly buying a month's pleasure with a life's discomfort.
In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.
The last thing I ever wanted was to be alive when the three most powerful people on the whole planet would be named Bush, Dick and Colon.
You should always waste time when you don't have any. Time is not the boss of you.
Why is it that when one man builds a wall, the next man immediately needs to know what's on the other side?
Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
I must be a mermaid, Rango. I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living.
The young people think the old people are fools -- but the old people know the young people are fools.
It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.
Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.
your mind is like an unsafe neighborhood; don't go there alone.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Makin' mistakes ain't a crime, you know. What's the use of having a reputation if you can't ruin it every now and then?
'Now what state do you live in?' 'Denial.'
I don't want it to be attributed to a loss of control on my part. When I throw you out of the window, I want there to be no doubt the act was deliberate.
The fact is, the heart and mind aren't always friendly. And in my case, they're barely speaking.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch.
I believe I am in Hell, therefore I am.
Definition of rock journalism: People who can't write, doing interviews with people who can't think, in order to prepare articles for people who can't read.
Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
"A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." I really hate this expression. I bet fish would totally want bicycles.
Tampon commercial, detergent commercial, maxi pad commercial, windex commercial - you'd think all women do is clean and bleed.
Interpretation is the revenge of the intellectual upon art.
How could I be sleeping with this particular man... Surely only true love could justify my lack of taste.
Graffiti is one of the few tools you have if you have almost nothing. And even if you don't come up with a picture to cure world poverty you can make someone smile while they're having a piss.
There is no sinner like a young saint.
Anybody who says they are a good liar obviously is not, because any legitimately savvy liar would always insist they're honest about everything.
Don't leave a piece of jewelry at his house so you can go back and get it later; he may be with his real girlfriend.
Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple
You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm. It's really funny.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
I have only made this letter longer because I have not had the time to make it shorter.
When I was a boy the "Dead Sea" was only sick.
You should try not to talk so much, friend. You'll sound far less stupid that way
I've gotten really hot since you went blind.
Give me just enough information so that I can lie convincingly.
Student: Dr. Einstein, Aren't these the same questions as last year's [physics] final exam? Dr. Einstein: Yes; But this year the answers are different.
Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to space.
The homemaker has the ultimate career. All other careers exist for one purpose only - and that is to support the ultimate career.
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently, I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
I warn you, if you bore me, I shall take my revenge.
It is very unnerving to be proven wrong, particularly when you are really right and the person who is really wrong is proving you wrong and proving himself, wrongly, right.
When you're drowning you don't think, I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me. You just scream.
There are some people you like immediately, some whom you think you might learn to like in the fullness of time, and some that you simply want to push away from you with a sharp stick.
Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men.
I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.
And I have one of those very loud, stupid laughs. I mean if I ever sat behind myself in a movie or something, I'd probably lean over and tell myself to please shut up.
Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.
Everyone thinks you make mistakes when you're young. But I don't think we make any fewer when we're grown up
From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Stupid men are the only ones worth knowing after all.
I enjoy talking to you. Your mind appeals to me. It resembles my own mind except that you happen to be insane.
They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered.
'Are you always a smartass?' Nope. Sometimes I'm asleep.
Some infinities are bigger than other infinities.
I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.
Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend's success.
I'm Dylan. I'm so cool. I want to date myself, but I don't know how! You want to date me instead? You're so lucky!
Jem is nothing but goodness. That he struck you last night only shows how capable you are of driving even saints to madness.
The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what Fiction means.
Today is the sort of day where the sun only comes up to humiliate you.
If there was such a thing as terminal literalism, you'd have died in childhood
"You're an idiot." "I've never claimed to be otherwise."
Parents are like God because you wanna know they're out there, and you want them to think well of you, but you really only call when you need something.
"Most fathers don't threaten to disembowel their daughter's boyfriends." "That's not true. And anyway, that's not what I actually said. It was much worse."
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwards.
Those who restrain desire do so because their's is weak enough to be restrained.
I have no objection to anyone's sex life as long as they don't practice it in the street and frighten the horses.
Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen.
Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Evil isn't the real threat to the world. Stupid is just as destructive as Evil, maybe more so, and it's a hell of a lot more common. What we really need is a crusade against Stupid. That might actually make a difference.
We're not retreating, we're advancing in reverse
When I said I would die a bachelor, I did not think I should live till I were married.
My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
Laugh whenever you can. Keeps you from killing yourself when things are bad. That and vodka.
There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.
Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
A woman who doesn't wear perfume has no future.
Well, that's your opinion, isn't it? And I'm not about to waste my time trying to change it.
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
I have never listened to anyone who criticized my taste in space travel, sideshows or gorillas. When this occurs, I pack up my dinosaurs and leave the room.
Because you can't argue with all the fools in the world. It's easier to let them have their way, then trick them when they're not paying attention.
I have lived a great deal among grown-ups. I have seen them intimately, close at hand. And that hasn't much improved my opinion of them.
In old days books were written by men of letters and read by the public. Nowadays books are written by the public and read by nobody.
Google' is not a synonym for 'research'.
All great literature is one of two stories; a man goes on a journey or a stranger comes to town.
That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.
"You said you were going for a walk!? What kind of walk takes six hours?", "A long one?"
I have nothing to declare except my genius.